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TodayLatestBestTopWorst1337Random<Prev1..949596979899100..596Next> |
#220433 (319/607) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<parp> lmao
<parp> Journey is playing in my area
<parp> I had no idea they were still together.
<Rjx> you stopped believingComment: #geekissues
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#205862 (594/712) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<@taters> note to self
<@taters> DO NOT MESS WITH WIRES WHILE COMPUTER IS RUNNING
<@taters> i just zapped the fucking hell out of myself
<@taters> it shut my computer off, and i swear i smell burning hair
<@taters> funny enough, the first thing i thought after doing it
<@taters> besides "SON OF A BITCH OUCH"
<@taters> was "Hmm, i should have updated it if i was going to end up restarting" |
#210468 (494/716) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<&fuqinfruit> Huggie: My mother cleans her vibrators in the Dishwasher and she doesnt think i know. Its disgusting and i hate it.
<&fuqinfruit> oops wrong chan |
#217199 (55/375) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<BlackMage> ...What the hell.
<BlackMage> I went to use the phone... and it shouts at me that it has incorrect network settings.
<BlackMage> What the fuck, liar.
<BlackMage> Now it's saying that I'm a new user. :(
<BlackMage> I don't want this phone anymore.Comment: irc.xevium.net
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#215588 (119/365) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<*********> memo to self - don't google puffy without google safesearch on. |
#215584 (488/846) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<blu> so today i went outside because we had new stairs and etc, long story
<blu> so i go outside theres this girl on the street
<blu> so i go see her and tell her "i got molested by a mango when i was young what should i do"
<blu> SO NOW SHE PULLS A BRICK OUT OF HER PURSE
<blu> i start running
<blu> SHE FUCKING THREW IT AT ME
<blu> and now she just saw where i live
<@MokN> good luck with that
<blu> ok so i just went to give her the brick
<blu> she went
<blu> "WHAT THE FUCK ITS YOU AGAIN"
<blu> i said "hi here's your brick" |
#215554 (258/574) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
conquistador: seriously i think i've seen atleast 25% of all the amateur lesbian porn in the world in the past 48hrs
conquistador: my dick isn't even chaffing anymore and if i robbed a bank they wouldn't get any prints |
#213368 (260/524) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<FoolsLove> <Skinny_Tom_Superpop> so i click download?
<FoolsLove> <FoolsLove> yes.
<FoolsLove> <Skinny_Tom_Superpop> so do i click downlaod?
<FoolsLove> <FoolsLove> yes
<FoolsLove> <Skinny_Tom_Superpop> are you sure i click download?
<FoolsLove> <FoolsLove> yes
<FoolsLove> <Skinny_Tom_Superpop> i clicked close
<FoolsLove> After I stopped rofling, I told him he had to go through one of the links to download it, and after I gave him a link to the post, he kept asking if he was supposed to click it.
<FoolsLove> I finally told him "No, don't click it"
<FoolsLove> and he said "I clicked it" |
#204833 (353/657) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
< tripletech> do old people really say pew pew pew? i thought that was a 00s thing
<@Fib> tripletech of course, winston churchill himself said in his famous speech "we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender, pew pew pew!"
< fansipans> "do not want" was originally a prohibition protest song
< pmv> i thought it was the civil rights movement
< fansipans> pmv no that was can has
< pmv> haha
< fansipans> remember martin luther king's famous speech "i can has a dream" ?
< pmv> i can has cheezeburger was black slang for equal rights
< fansipans> well back in those days cheeseburgers were only served in the "whites only" section of diners
< fansipans> so it really was a rallying cry for many
< pmv> niceComment: #cobol
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#173349 (141/431) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
< zashi> ahhhhhhhhh
< zashi> I know what volatile does
< feesh> lol
< feesh> zashi just had a matrix moment
< feesh> "I know kung-fu"
< feesh> zashi: show me
< zashi> the problem really only came about due to compiler optimization
< zashi> the compiler goes "oh look, it's checking the same memory location over and over. let's stick it in a hardware register and just use THAT value so it's faster" but volatile says "no way bitch. shit happens to this memory location regardless of what's going on in the program itself. keep checking the actual location or so help me god I will break your face"Comment: ##scifi, freenode
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#139721 (362/568) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<justin> shipped mah package
<justin> if you know what I mean
<jake> Shipping must have been cheap
<jake> if you know what I mean |
#214528 (494/670) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
Mike: i was looking at computer parts late at night last semester at school.
Mike: my friend (whos bed was over my desk) leans down, looks at the screen, then looks at me and says
Mike: "you know lerch, normal people look at porn" |
#213280 (556/742) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
Me: we finally got Rock Band
Paul: then why are you talking to me?
Me: my pinky is sore
Paul: heh heh...out of context FTW
Me: and my wife hurt her throat on Bon Jovi |
#208710 (327/593) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<mindjob> im not talking about going to dinner with her and sharing a lovely conversation over tea
<mindjob> i'm talking about banging the living crap out of her
<mindjob> and making her asshole the size of a soup can
<mindjob> and then sending her away
<mindjob> far far away
<zaim> what kind of soup
<mindjob> chicken noodle
<mindjob> of course
<zaim> wise choice |
#211187 (460/674) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<HoodrowTrillson> You say -I- have internet badass syndrome? At least I can insult someone without involving genitals or homosexuality you cock-sucking faggot. |
#212748 (471/613) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<souphiee>: k
<souphiee>: on the application it says "how long are you planning to work here"
<souphiee>: should i just write "as long as you'll have me"?
<frenchie218>: no
<frenchie218>: write "UNTIL THE RAPTURE" |
#211206 (523/787) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Hxdor> k so
<Hxdor> i go and wake up and decide to wack one off..
<Hxdor> so my dad comes RUNNING INTO MY ROOM
<Hxdor> "OMG SOMEONES HACKING MY EMAIL"
<Hxdor> and
<Hxdor> "ARE YOU DOING IT?!"
<Hxdor> im like ".......oh. fuck."
<Hxdor> and i said "... dad, could you please go upstairs and wait anohter 2 mins please?"
<Hxdor> "are you hacking my email"
<Hxdor> and finally I said
<Hxdor> "dad, I'm jerking off here. how do you fucking expect me to hack your email while I watch porno and have my dick in one hand"
<Hxdor> he leaves |
#209693 (543/695) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<shidobu> oh god, I feel like I'm in elementary school
<shidobu> the building management just informed us that there's going to be a firedrill on friday morning
<shidobu> and in exchange for our cooperation, there will be icecream waiting outside the building
<rumblerob> if all your coworkers have perfect attendance do they get a pizza party?
<shidobu> I can only hope |
#52170 (804/1382) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
QDB submitters, listen up:
1. Not using the comment field nearly always makes the quote funnier. For the person to understand the joke, the punchline should hit last. The comment field should ideally be moved to the top of the quote, but that's up to the people running the site.
2. Don't use the comment field for explaining context like they say on the submission page. When have you ever heard a funny joke in which someone tells it, pauses, and then says "oh yeah, and the three guys in the bar were lawyers," Explain these things before the funny part or the joke dies.
3. Leave off 'haha' or 'lol' at the end of quotes. Go look at some of the top quotes and add '<whoever> haha' to the end. See?
4. Fix misspellings and things. It's okay to want accuracy, but it's not that important here. There are a couple hilarious quotes where the punchline has an unrelated typo and it really throws the joke.
5. For one-liners and quips, the shorter it is the better. It's okay to edit for brevity and clarity.
6. The moderators are not facists. Your quote was rejected because it wasn't funny. It was funny to you, because you were there and you knew the people. Context is everything, and it's hard to detach yourself. Try changing the names in the quote to people you don't know and see if it still seems funny to you. If not, don't submit it.
7. Your quote will not be accepted just because you talk about the quote site. You are not the first person to think of self-reference. |
#208153 (358/622) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
(Lime_God) BARREL ROLL. ._. :| .-. |: ._.
(Tony) you're doing it wrong
(Tony) your face is rolling counter-clockwise but the direction of roll represents a clockwise rotation of the body |
#196072 (373/609) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
* Obsidian slowly eats a bowl of muslim
<Budrick> Er
<Budrick> You have issues, man.
<Obsidian> The other one
<Obsidian> Cereal-muslim
<Budrick> Muesli.
<Obsidian> There we go. Muesli. |
#207123 (355/651) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<flyinsqrl> friend wants me to put 2.22 gigs of shit on a 2 gig flash drive
<Coratee> that should work
<Coratee> you just have to really want it |
#206352 (562/712) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Vesper> msg NickServ IDENTIFY batcock
<StarShade> ...
<StarShade> I am going to assume that was intentional.
<StarShade> ANd that your password isn't really batcock. |
#206039 (7320/9316) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Kidsune> Shhhh, don't tell anyone, but i'm gonna go down on you...
<Kidsune> And you're gonna love it...
<Kidsune> But it's only going to be long enough to let you start enjoying it...
<Kidsune> Then i'm gonna come back up again and fuck you, big time...
<Kidsune> Lots of love,
<Kidsune> Fuel Prices |
#186395 (216/588) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<kleis> err, is there any good reason to ban about half of germany from #math?
<HiLander> WWII |
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