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TodayLatestBestTopWorst1337Random |
#102697 (1350/1500) ↑Good ↓Bad
<Rowan> gonna go to the store when it opens and buy some caffiene/caffeine
<&segosa> caffeine.
<Kotjze> i before e except in a lot of words
<&segosa> or you could just know how to spell words and not require stupid rules
<Kotjze> exactly
<Rowan> i dont think ive spelled that word much
<Rowan> and i keep running into words that ARENT I before E
<Rowan> like weird, atheist, broom
<Kotjze> broom? |
#101511 (1330/1900) ↑Good ↓Bad
<Cherokee> In other news:
<Cherokee> An African-American Congresswoman reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding. She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal.
<Slayden> What about Slaynisha?
<Cherokee> She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in language that people on the street can understand because one of the problems in New Orleans is that regular folks didn't understand the seriousness of the situation due to the racially biased language of the weather report.
<Cherokee> I can hear it now... A weatherman on the gulf coast saying...
<Cherokee> Wazzup, mutha-fuckas! Her-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo' ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket!
<Cherokee> Bitch be a category fo' !
<Cherokee> So grab yo' chirren, yo' Hos, be leavin' yo' crib, and head fo' da nearess guv'mint office fo' yo
<Cherokee> FREE shit! |
#5304 (1331/1780) ↑Good ↓Bad
<pdksh> jesus h christ
<pdksh> 'i got tired of that screensaver on that other computer so i turned it off'
<pdksh> my sister hard-shutdown my bsd box.
<pdksh> in the middle of a kernel compile.
<pdksh> not to mention that the little blinky light on the hub was annoying her
<pdksh> so she pulled out that wire too
<pdksh> ...
<pdksh> and she managed to rip a wire pair out of the wire.
<pdksh> yet she wants to be a cs major in college.
<dmaster-> I would beat her into a coma
<pdksh> dmaster-: im about to. either that or change her aim password so she jumps off a bridge.
<bob354> pdksh: haha a cs major?
<pdksh> bob354: yeah... 'i like to surf the internet and chat on aim to all my friends all the time so im good with computers and im good at that microsoft wordart. mom said i should go to computer school like you!' |
#299795 (1309/1471) ↑Good ↓Bad
<popemichael> I was in line to buy a new DVD player. The woman in front of me was having something delivered.
<popemichael> The clerk asked for her 'street name' she replied "I don't have one I go by Shanice." |
#8102 (1306/1750) ↑Good ↓Bad
<glome> Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?!
<content> glome stole the cookie from the cookie jar!
<glome> Who me?!
<content> Yes you!
<glome> Couldn't be!
<content> Then WHO?!!
<glome> Woody stole the cookie from the cookie jar!
*** glome has been kicked by DrWoody (fuck you i didn't touch the motherfucking cookie, bitch) |
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#139874 (1306/1554) ↑Good ↓Bad
<Stueh> So you know how I started working at an all girls school?
<Stueh> Well
<Stueh> I had to see the school nurse for a checkup, as they's due at the start of term
<Stueh> She started asking me all these questions and putting it down on this form
<Stueh> and she goes "How tall are you?" and I reply "Limp or erect?"
<Stueh> She just grinned and said "limp please" so I said 178cm, then she raised an eyebrow and gigled, then asked "erect?" and I said "About 1 foot taller"
<Stueh> Then this horrified look just comes across her face, and I'm wondering, well, why is she so horrified if she edged me on?
<Stueh> Then I realised she's looking behind me... I turn around, and there's this group of year 11 students
<Stueh> I'm like "I'm talking about my height" and this one, with a big grin, goes "You grow a foot when you get a boner?"
<Stueh> "Yes I do and no you can't."
<Stueh> The nurse looked like she was going to fucking kill me XD |
#97707 (1373/1629) ↑Good ↓Bad
<Austin> Outlook suggests "Mozilla Firefox" be spelled "Melissa Firebox."
<Austin> Melissa Firebox is a GREAT porn star name.
<aaron> especially a red head
<pthree> definitely |
#90780 (1297/1525) ↑Good ↓Bad
<Elixir> my mother tried to ground me
<Elixir> for farting when we had company
<Elixir> i'm like
<Elixir> "i'm 20"
<Elixir> CONVERSATION FUCKING OVER
<randumb> i think you lost that one
<randumb> you farted when company was over while you lived with your mom at age 20
<randumb> and you almost got groundedComment: #machogang on popn.cjb.net:4400
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#32580 (1382/1802) ↑Good ↓Bad
<@JB> Then had your hard drive exorcised?
<@ThunderClaw> I actually did that once.
<@ThunderClaw> It was a dare.
<@ThunderClaw> I was living in Nebraska,
<@ThunderClaw> and I got called down the street to a particularly computer-illiterate neighbor.
<@ThunderClaw> My buddy Matt dared me to take a look at the computer and deem it infested with demons.
<@ThunderClaw> So I went down there,
<@ThunderClaw> took a look at it (I don't even remember what was wrong),
<@ThunderClaw> and told her that demons had come from the darker regions of Africa and infested her computer.
<@ThunderClaw> SHE BOUGHT IT.
<@ThunderClaw> I took a glass of water,
<@ThunderClaw> blessed it,
<@ThunderClaw> and drew the sign of the cross on her computer a few times,
<@ThunderClaw> and said,
<@ThunderClaw> "IN THE NAME OF LORD JESUS CHRIST, OUR SAVIOR, I COMMAND THEE TO LEAVE THIS WOMAN'S SILICON ABODE AND RETURN TO THE DEPTHS FROM WHENCE YOU CAME!!"
<@ThunderClaw> She paid me 20 bucks and I left.Comment: #voices/darkmyst
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#62638 (1254/1528) ↑Good ↓Bad
<@mr_white> i think my friend has ADD
<@mr_white> turn up at his house today
<@mr_white> he answers teh door with the left side of his face clean shaved
<@mr_white> and the right side has a beard
<@mr_white> and the chin is just stubble
<@mr_white> turns out he was shaving
<@mr_white> and mid-shave he needs a piss
<@mr_white> so he takes a leak then leaves
<@mr_white> forgets to finish the shave
<t0ks> rofl
<@mr_white> that's not the best part
<@mr_white> when i turned up it was 5pm
<@mr_white> he'd shaved at 11am
<@mr_white> and he'd been out to town etc during this 6 hour gap |
#294682 (1253/1399) ↑Good ↓Bad
<sniep> my servers are all named after computer parts so that users sound like retards asking for anything
<sniep> "i need full access to ram!"
<sniep> "why is megabytes broken?!?"
<sniep> "who rebooted hard drive??!??"Comment: SomethingAwful
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#105985 (1470/1868) ↑Good ↓Bad
<Dio> Was it Jimi Hendrix who said "if I make a mistake, I just keep repeating it, then it's not a mistake any more"?
<Karg> Might well have been Bill Gates. |
#141669 (1476/1610) ↑Good ↓Bad
(@Gunrun) Pringles are clever
(@Gunrun) they're like... self regulating
(@Gunrun) if you can't fit your hand into the tube to get more
(@Gunrun) then you probably shouldn't be getting more anyway |
#146700 (1203/1525) ↑Good ↓Bad
<Tigerlilley> Well, this isn't a full sex story but it was still pretty embarrasing:
<Tigerlilley> I'd just gotten out of the shower, and walked into the kitchen to grab a drink. Theonly thing in there was milk.
<Tigerlilley> Because I am retarded
<Tigerlilley> I spilt it all over myself
<Tigerlilley> So I'm in my underwear, white stuff all over my chin, neck and chest
<Tigerlilley> and my flatmate walks in
<Tigerlilley> looks at me
<Tigerlilley> and says
<Tigerlilley> "goddamn thats some scary de ja vu"
<Tigerlilley> :( |
#297382 (1189/1385) ↑Good ↓Bad
<c0nsumer> A pizza with the radius z and thickness a has the volume pi*z*z*a |
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#289253 (1185/1363) ↑Good ↓Bad
<@matja> christ that made me jump. just rebooted my pc with new overclock settings and the neighbour fires up a hammer drill the other side of the wall |
#294961 (1158/1374) ↑Good ↓Bad
[jenna] *hsus: hey i got a question
Rask: yes
[jenna] *hsus: i thought hawaii was like, warm? and alaska was like cold? so how is that since they're right beside each other?
Rask: is this a real question
[jenna] *hsus: yeah, why?
[jenna] *hsus: ive always wondered that.
Rask: like are you being serious
[jenna] *hsus: like sarah palin was always like ohh alaska is cold i shoot moose and i can see russia...
[jenna] *hsus: but then hawaii is all like warm and shit with little chubby chicks belly dancing.
Rask: worldmap
[jenna] *hsus: so i was like, they're so close together, how is the... uhm, climate or w/e so different?
Rask: see where hawaii is?
Rask: see that part off canada that says USA?
Rask: thats alaska.
Rask: its like, six thousand miles away from here
[jenna] *hsus: oh god.
[jenna] *hsus: this is like that time i thought new england was like a... place beside england... kinda like new mexico and mexico... but new england is really a bunch of states.
[jenna] *hsus: everytime they're on a map they're right beside eachother though
Rask: you should probably spend awhile staring at this map
[jenna] *hsus: That bitch is lying ,you cant see russia from alaska, not possible.
[jenna] *hsus: unless it wraps around or something?
Rask: are you saying the world is flat
[jenna] *hsus: wait so do you like have the same president we do?
[jenna] *hsus: no. i mean i think its round.
Rask: this is a joke right
[jenna] *hsus: dude. i quit school.
[jenna] *hsus: wtf do you think
Rask: in 2nd grade?
[jenna] *hsus: uhhh, we dont have map studying in school anymoree
Rask: the world is round yes |
#224378 (1532/1910) ↑Good ↓Bad
*** Joins: Skrail (~Pleinair@8B4C4265.CA199EBB.127733F1.IP)
<Skrail> Well, I obviously didn't think that one through
<Skrail> So, my USB stuff was acting silly, so I decided to reload the kernel usb drivers in an attempt to fix things.
<Skrail> So I happily type sudo rmmod usbhid into the terminal, tap enter on my keyboard, and then had an epiphany.
<Skrail> "Why," I thought to myself, "I'm using a USB keyboard and mouse!" |
#2767 (1532/2820) ↑Good ↓Bad
*** civicsi was kicked by Raegen (KK: go away jason)
civicsi is jason@adsl-208-188-253-138.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net * Jason Preston
civicsi on #cars
civicsi using irc2.lightning.net Toca's Miracle
civicsi End of /WHOIS list.
*** civicsi (jason@adsl-208-188-253-138.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net) has joined #cars
<civicsi> uhhh
<civicsi> HOW DID YOU GET MY NAME?
<Tokae> we are l33t
<Darn> haha he hacked you
<KK> shutup jason
<civicsi> how did you do that?
<Tokae> you will be fuct over jason if you act out of line.
<KK> Mr Preston
<civicsi> I hope you know that I have logs of all hacking attempts
<civicsi> and I WILL forward them to the DOJ |
#295976 (1590/1880) ↑Good ↓Bad
<Lamia> my husband just said to me, "If your name was homework, I'd be doing you on my desk, right now!"
<Lamia> I need a snappy comeback to that.
<DarkDread> tell him, "If your name was homework, I'd be ignoring you to play video games." |
#296856 (1593/1855) ↑Good ↓Bad
<Uuxaul> So I was on this "free resume" builder website last night. So I'm going through building my resume. Get to the end thinking, awesome! almost done. Shows me a preview embedded with Javascript so I can't click the page, and asks me to pay 14.95 for the "actual copy". So I'm like... WELL FUCK YOU. So I save the web page, delete the java bullshit, open it up in firefox, pull up the source after editing it in kate, copy and paste it to open office set it to recognize HTML tags... And PRINTED MY GOD DAMNED RESUME
<Uuxaul> It was just slightly annoying because I spent an hour on this site making everything perfect, and it even advertised free resume construction with an upgrade option you could pay for...
<Raine Sabaal> Hahahahaha!
<Raine Sabaal> You should add that to your resume.
<Uuxaul> Skills: Capable of bypassing Pay-To-Print resume builders. |
#145699 (1595/1881) ↑Good ↓Bad
Jacob: heh
Jacob: my roommate just walked by with a bottle of water
Jacob: I asked her why she wastes her money on that shit
Jacob: she replied with "It's healthier than tap water."
Jacob: I took the bottle from her and showed her where it said "Source: City of Houston Municipal Water Supply"
Jacob: Tap-water. |
#4265 (1041/1386) ↑Good ↓Bad
<Deffy> Christ is so cool. He's born, I get presents. He dies, I get candy. |
#10626 (1013/1253) ↑Good ↓Bad
<CompuMan> The tragedy of Canada is they could have had British culture, French cooking, and American technology, but instead they got American culture, British cooking, and French technology. |
#33 (1680/3819) ↑Good ↓Bad
[17:05] *** D1 sets mode: +o C-Rock
<D1> oh wait, I was trying to kick you. |
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