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TodayLatestBestTopWorst1337Random<Prev1..9899100101102103104..596Next> |
#108886 (123/557) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
< thinkmad> I dont suppose anyone in here has ever even opened after effects
< thinkmad> or been within 100 yards of a computer with after effects installed
<@jonathans> i had a hangover onceComment: #geekissues
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#107607 (181/451) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<TLC> My friend went in for an op on his hand, and they sent him for a shower and to put these paper pants and a gown on.
<TLC> Wondering what that piece of string on the pants was as he struggled to get them on, suddenly a nurse burst in
<TLC> trying to hide his modesty he realised that that bit of string he thought was either on the pants or the gown was the emergency pull cord |
#139795 (2844/3208) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
[+Tarball] ITT: Movie titles that described your first sexual experience.
[+Tarball] THERE WILL BE BLOOD
[+Timmy] lmao
[+Tarball] Gone in 60 seconds
[+Hatty] SNAKES ON A PLANE
[TheWickerMan] quiet down Hatty
[TheWickerMan] why don't you try HOME ALONE |
#123732 (725/861) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
zombiegutsxx: so what you up to?
sammahxcore: ah just opened up my trading account
sammahxcore: about to hit up the stock market
zombiegutsxx: ORLY?
zombiegutsxx: why?
sammahxcore: to make money :P
zombiegutsxx: yeah i know but isnt there a lot of risk?
sammahxcore: only if you suck at trading
sammahxcore: and i played pokemon for 4 years so i'm covered |
#103505 (665/837) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<tonyyarusso> So I just went and looked at my Newegg order status, and saw a message I've never seen before:
<tonyyarusso> "THE PACKAGE IS DELAYED DUE TO A TRAIN DERAILMENT[X] " |
#105808 (157/677) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<Foal> When I was younger (about 7 or 8), me and a neighbor kid had a game that we called "Danger Butt". Basically it involved us going out into some woods near where we lived, taking our pants off, and putting things, you guessed it, in our butts |
#139339 (476/790) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<Iced_Plasma> I was at work at the retirement community
<Iced_Plasma> and some old guy is talking to me about religion
<Iced_Plasma> and he looks aty me and says
<Iced_Plasma> "When do you think Jesus will come?"
<Iced_Plasma> and I said
<Iced_Plasma> "When he climaxes"
<Iced_Plasma> and he just stared at me in shock and rage |
#138821 (323/693) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<Jacois> I remember before the internet when I used to get turned on by a cleavage. Now it takes 2 girls and a cup. |
#137951 (266/666) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
shawnz> somebody's signature on xkcd forums is "warning: unpleasant spoiler." followed by a spoiler tag
shawnz> so i hit show
shawnz> Spoiler:
shawnz> You just lost the game. |
#108878 (406/668) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
NeverWakeUp1229: So I had a major conflict between my ego and my cock today
MotherBound0: don’t the two go hand in hand?
MotherBound0: or dick in hand?
NeverWakeUp1229: Whatever
NeverWakeUp1229: So I was turning in my essay at the same time as some hot chick in my history class
NeverWakeUp1229: We both go for the stapler, and naturally I snag it first
NeverWakeUp1229: So my cock goes, “Be a gentleman and offer her the stapler! It’s one less step for you to go to get in her pants.”
NeverWakeUp1229: And my ego says, “No, don’t be a pussy. You don’t owe her shit.”
MotherBound0: so what happened?
NeverWakeUp1229: I offered her the stapler and she told me to go ahead and use it first
NeverWakeUp1229: Best of both worlds
MotherBound0: you possess the most fucked up sense of logic ever |
#139309 (3905/4255) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<FossZombie> wtf
<FossZombie> quote "so you are 23 years old right?" me: "yes" them: "did you have any programming experiance in the 1970s"
* Wolfed hails FossZombie
<FossZombie> I'm tempted to say yes
<Wolfed> It would have been interesting.
<FossZombie> Yes in 1971 I was the lead computer scientist for the military, until 1975 when I switched jobs and worked for zenith for a short period of time until 1980s when I switched over to the atari group programming team. In 1984 I was born and that pretty much ended my career as a programmer.
<FossZombie> I spent the next three years shitting myself and learning how to speak and learn my ABCs |
#138502 (2/648) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<redribben> what you guys up to?
<redribben> i myself am trying to find something that seems to not exist....
<reikon> god? |
#138027 (488/748) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
Ganon: That magnet in the finger idea sounded really awesome, minus the idea of getting some sort of poisoning from the rare-earth metals
Gayo: oh oh dude
Gayo: What if you were a woman and you had MAGNETIC BREAST IMPLANTS.
Katt: I guess that would make you really attractive
Ganon: ... |
#137549 (121/377) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
Celeste: so um yah
Celeste: you dont have to send me anything
Moozh: got it to work?
Celeste: psh no
Celeste: i did the opposite
Moozh: work to it got? |
#122527 (226/408) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
Mistah_Kurtz: you think lawyers have like a numerical batting average
Mistah_Kurtz: for cases won vs lost
Mistah_Kurtz: so that other lawyers know about them
Mistah_Kurtz: they could make lawyer trading cards
Mistah_Kurtz: and it'd be worth a shitload of money if you got like a johnnie cochran law school card |
#114641 (90/306) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<AuntieEm> Bah, lots of men with ornamental balls :)
<^Da5id^> AuntieEm: yeah, they're called 'married' |
#111552 (180/408) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
mp: why would anybody buy a typewriter
ikasatu: 1. for Resident Evil jokes.
ikasatu: 2. That way, I own one device that CANNOT run Linux.
raven: it can run linux, you just have to type a HELL of a ton, you can be the interpreter.
ikasatu: It runs Linux, but the refresh rate is ass.
ikasatu: The only machine where user error is computer error.
ikasatu: On the plus side, it comes pre-loaded with print drivers.
ikasatu: "/clear" *roll roll roll* |
#138095 (555/709) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<Ace_NoOne> I now believe that the Wikipedia folk assassinate people so they can be the first to report their deaths |
#111182 (-12/544) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
*** LabMonkey humps ktea's leg.
*** ktea gives LabMonkey a Beggin' Strip
<LabMonkey> IT'S BACONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
*** LabMonkey flips out.Comment: #bifemunix EFNet
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#103365 (207/439) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<@ware> "ultimate myspace layout css"
<@ware> <style type="text/css">
<@ware> * {
<@ware> display: none;
<@ware> }
<@ware> </style>Comment: #bifemunix
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#136601 (111/313) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<oxide> i took 3 benadryls slammed 4 beers
<oxide> im feeling pretty good
<drseuss> oxide are you alergic to beer? |
#133573 (2950/3360) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
(meander) Newfoundland is like calling a place Untitled Document
(meander) i bet its the default name for discovered land
(meander) and they just clicked Ok
(meander) now all other countries have to start out as Newfoundland 2 |
#117620 (569/743) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
Evader: nothing beats a caffiene high when reading a good book
Evader: kicks the imagination into overdrive
Quixote: I'll bet a light dose of psychedelics would beat a caffeine high.
Evader: no, then the vowels would segregate from the union and you'd have an alphabetical civil war on your hands
Evader: if you REALLY fuck up, the numbers will come in as peacekeepers and proceed to draw out a year long campaign to 'resolve the conflict' while secretly stealing all the punctuation |
#126796 (322/488) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<simonova> so, supposing I wanted to show you guys the program I wrote, what's the best way to go about that?
<ubajas> Kill the president and clutch a printout of the program in your hands, as you're brought down by security guards.Comment: #perl
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#137188 (462/636) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
< Vertelemming> Either your keyboard is broken, you're drunk, or you're drunk and your keyboard is broken.
< loft306> nuether |
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