QDB: Statistically Best Quotes
About / Browse / Latest / Random / Queue / Prefs / Submit Quote / Search

#309850 (472/498) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<bbitmaster> bah, this is the dumbest thing ever. I broke linux mint over the silliest thing, and I am quite pissed.
<bbitmaster> The bottom panel was too small. I was adjusting it to be more manageable. I accidentally right clicked on the "+" in the dialog that makes it larger.
<bbitmaster> right clicking causes it to go to max size. It now fills the screen and I can't go to any other window or menu or anything. I restarted and it kept that setting.
* 1 hour later
<bbitmaster> I joined the linux mint help channel, the guy there helping me suddenly left
<bbitmaster> he came back and said he was stupid enough to "recreate my problem"
<bbitmaster> and now he's in the same boat
#309577 (487/515) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<Caboose> Mango, you're a programmer, right?
<Mango> Depends.  If you're asking because you're curious, yes, I've been a programmer for most of my career.
<Mango> If you're asking because you installed 5000 toolbars and now your computer "runs kinda slow", I work at Starbucks.
#310035 (430/456) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<ioiom63> I went to the doctor, and I had to fill out these papers, right?
<ioiom63> They must use the same papers for men and women, because I had to fill in whether or not I was pregnant.
<ioiom63> I'm a bit of a dick, so I wrote "You never know!"
<ioiom63> 30 minutes later a nurse is VERY angry with me because they're extremely busy already and I've just made things worse...
<ioiom63> ...because if a patient gives any indication of being unsure whether or not they are pregnant, the staff are legally required to take the time to do a pregnancy test.
<ioiom63> Apparently the rule does not also state "...but only if the patient is female."
<ioiom63> Long story short, I am most definitely NOT pregnant.
#308942 (223/235) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<munin_> roughly it is modeling language and the brain, or, a graph-theoretic approach to modeling how language is represented in the brain
<munin_> she is teaching a graph to speak english by having it read reddit
<munin_> the first 2 phrases it learned were 'm night shamalamadingdong' and 'cockjuggling thundercunts'
<munin_> so it seems to be working
<munin_> she is going to try and get 'cockjuggling thundercunts' into her dissertation
#310208 (243/257) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<kmc> yes Windows 98 installer, please perform a bad blocks scan of your virtual emulated hard drive
<kmc> you have no idea how completely I control your so-called reality
#309185 (152/160) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<lucky> i got into it with an asphalt contractor at work and then had his truck towed for being in a handicapped space.
<SatNiGHTS> did you shout at him "MENTAL HANDICAPS DON'T COUNT!"?
<lucky> the best part? the lines are barely visible because HE didn't paint them as he was hired to do last summer. so he didn't see them.
<lucky> he came storming in, scared my paraschiz resident (poor guy), and demanded he be "payed what he was owed for his time in August". i told him that according to our records, he was paid exactly what he was owed - in that, he was paid for what he did, not what the original contract said. He never re-striped the lot or sealed the south end of the cul de sac.
<lucky> he wouldn't shut up.  i asked him to leave. he didn't. i told him to leave. he didn't. i made his truck leave without him while he was making an irate phone call.
<myself> did he see it in mid-tow, or only after it was gone?
<lucky> mid tow. told him they regularly monitor the handicapped spaces, it is after all a senior community. his reply : "YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE THE FUCKING SYMBOL!!!!" my reply: "my point exactly."
#308634 (453/483) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<Pryoidain> NTP Protocol helped me to isolate a plumbing problem in the apartment before the people on site could figure it out.
<asaph> ...what?
<Pryoidain> Well I get this call saying there's a leak in the apartment below me, they need permission to enter to navigate it and solve the problem, so i grant them it. Now I'm swamped, so when things calm down I do the logical thing
<Pryoidain> I checked ishi's NTP Pool Server monitoring page, and pulled up the CSV file to look at epoch times.
<Pryoidain> Last time the server pinged it was like 5 minutes before.
<Pryoidain> From this I knew that the leak could not be from the furnace/ac as that is in the server room (I know I know, but its the coldest room) and if water hit any of the routers or anything or the mains, UPS would have turned off the server.
<Pryoidain> Next I worked back. Can't be in any of the exterior walls, thats where the wires run and the socket for the Main router in the small bedroom is. Server goes through that router.
<Pryoidain> The modem is in the master bedroom, which shares a wall with the bathroom, so I was worried, but if it's still up then no shorts there or anything freaky going on, because, well, NTP responses are still sub millisecond.
<Pryoidain> And finally, It can't be in the kitchen, because for whatever dumbfuck reason the outlets in the kitchen and the server room are the same circuit, and the Garbage disposal outlet is UNDER the pipes and isn't a GFCI (yet) so it would have tripped the breaker killing the server, etc etc.
<Pryoidain> So its the bathroom, internal wall, on the sink or tub.
<Pryoidain> Get home, it was the bathroom sink, leak in the internal wall.
<asaph> ....
<Pryoidain> Yeah, i'm just kinda basking in this right now.
#309761 (201/213) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<@b0lt> why is the OS X trackpad scrolling speed setting hidden in the accessibility settings panel
<tuple> because if the apple way isnt right for you, you must be handicapped
#300988 (4040/4360) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<massacre> Rosti, can I ask you something as a close friend?
<Rosti_LFC> you could ask me something as a complete stranger, but go ahead
<massacre> Do you reckon Emma would go out with me if I asked her?
<Rosti_LFC> errr....
<Rosti_LFC> ask her yourself?
<massacre> no fucking way until I get a second opinion
<Daz> dude she's in the channel
<massacre> no she isn't
<Rosti_LFC> yeah she is mate, look up
<Rosti_LFC> she got op'd yesterday
<massacre> fuck
<massacre> PLAN B
<massacre> spam the channel
<massacre> with text
<massacre> so it goes
<Audia> hi
<massacre> off her scrollback
<Rosti_LFC> ahaha
<massacre> FUCK
* massacre has quit (PLAN C!!!)
<Audia> I'm going to go install Windows 7 right now
<Audia> so I'll be offline for a bit
<Audia> if he gets the balls to come back in here in the meantime tell him the answer is yes
<Rosti_LFC> rofl
* Audia has quit (QUIT)
<Rosti_LFC> that was some hardcore nerd courtship ritual right there
<Daz> Oh man, I wish I could fuck up asking a girl out that badly and still succeed
#309350 (376/402) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<Proview_> freshman year of college, i'm like... oh, yeah, im going to try and be leet and install gentoo. try loading it frmo a flash drive, 20 minutes later, my HDD was erased, my external 2 TB drive was erased, AND THE FLASH DRIVE gentoo came on was erased
<Proview_> i had to email all of my professors and tell them "i tried installing gentoo and now i have nothing left. my work will be late"
<Proview_> my comp sci professors just responded with "understandable"
#78919 (4852/5266) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
*** SpannerGO0 was kicked by sam88 (don't be a douche)
<BicThes> he was talking to me i think
<sam88> whoops
#309667 (266/284) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<h292zhan> 64-core 192 GB of ram :D
<Mithorium> I'd like 192 GB of ram
<Mithorium> I could open like, 2 instances of Eclipse
<Mithorium> think of the possibilities
#139309 (3793/4139) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<FossZombie> wtf
<FossZombie> quote "so you are 23 years old right?" me: "yes" them: "did you have any programming experiance in the 1970s"
* Wolfed hails FossZombie
<FossZombie> I'm tempted to say yes
<Wolfed> It would have been interesting.
<FossZombie> Yes in 1971 I was the lead computer scientist for the military, until 1975 when I switched jobs and worked for zenith for a short period of time until 1980s when I switched over to the atari group programming team. In 1984 I was born and that pretty much ended my career as a programmer.
<FossZombie> I spent the next three years shitting myself and learning how to speak and learn my ABCs
#64573 (1032/1120) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
[b] "If you're ever interviewed for a programming job at a big company, you're
gonna get questions like this. At Yahoo! they asked me one about how to figure out which one of 1000 bottles of wine was poisoned, using less than 10 prisoners as 'test subjects'."
[b] I'd tell the prisoners that if they don't work it out on their own, I'll kill them all
[ctho] that's the answer that gets you hired for upper management
#300391 (3843/4193) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<dessin> I got a spam email about a week back that slipped through my filter
<dessin> usually they don't get through, I get maybe one or two every year
<dessin> so I open up the headers and it turns out there's a yahoo account as the reply-to
<dessin> figured it's a long shot but I emailed it saying "stop sending me spam, asshole"
<dessin> turns out this guy is a complete dumbass and actually put his real email in the reply to - emails me back saying "fuck you, I'll spam who I want" and asking how I got his email and shit
<iggi> lol
<dessin> so I checked the headers again and found the IP that the email was sent from
<dessin> did a geoip lookup and got a pretty specific location in london, and found the local exhange from google maps
<dessin> and it was kinda out of the way in london so the exchange maybe covered 600 houses or so
<dessin> so I print off like 1000 leaflets saying "there is a spammer in your area, if you have any information please forward it to the police" and stuff
<dessin> took a train to london, two bus changes to the area
<iggi> wtf hahaha
<dessin> went round and posted the leaflets through every house in the area
<dessin> anyway this morning I get an email from the guy asking how I found his house and begging me not to tell the police
<iggi> massive overkill man
<dessin> I fucking hate spam :P
#302091 (1588/1730) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
PH: Note to car companies. Don't put "Best in class" and "In a class of it's own" in the same commercial.
#310406 (447/483) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<@pronto> Last night my friend asked to use a USB port to charge his cigarette, but I was using it to charge my book.
<@pronto> The future is stupid.
#303847 (685/743) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<Artifice> the cat experiment was a counter example created by heisenberg himself, to prove some guys were being stupid
<Artifice> Sadly, the stupid guys were "That's awesome!"
<Artifice> Oh, it was Schrodinger. Whoops
<ZorbaTHut> heisenberg's cat is the one that's either running frantically around a room at unknown velocity, or sleeping, somewhere, but you don't know where.
<Artifice> So, just a regular fucking cat
<ZorbaTHut> Yeah pretty much.
#308728 (560/606) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<myself> I'm reminded of alphawolf's story of tracking down some guy who was sending strange traffic, and turned out to live in the next town over.
<myself> Guy's personal website included a pic of himself holding a banana like a gun.
<myself> so, wolfie and Evil head over there, armed with bananas and an Ethereal printout. Bang on the door. Someone answers, looks like the guy in the pic.
<myself> <threatening banana-stance>TELNET POLICE. STOP PINGING GARGAMEL.</stance>
<myself> And they leave.
<myself> Stunned. Silence.
<myself> the packets stopped.
#296968 (1308/1430) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<rmrfResume> So let me get this straight.
<rmrfResume> You built a linux system from scratch using hardened GCC
<rmrfResume> secured the whole system with RSBAC
<rmrfResume> Developed private chroots for each and every service ran on it
<rmrfResume> which include an http, ftp, smtp, pop3, imap, irc, and dyndns server
<rmrfResume> WITH mail filtering and dynamic mysql databases for each service
<rmrfResume> with the mysql daemon in its own chroot
<rmrfResume> then did same system networking for the whole lot
<rmrfResume> and had everything running in a single night?
<Pryoidain> I do cocaine.
<cjk> oh
<asaph[Away]> WOW
<rmrfResume> suddenly it all makes sense.
#28309 (1077/1177) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<Boogieman> and I saw a girl and was like "hey baby, you lookin' for a good time"
<Boogieman> and she said "yes"
<Boogieman> and I just sorta stared
<Boogieman> cause I don't usually get that far
<Boogieman> and I didn't have anything to say
#300704 (1828/2004) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<ebert4> i dun thnk th assinments in 4 2moro
<kajx> lol kk
<kajx> i ws lik shiting myslef
<Scrawl> The English language is dead at your feet, blood leaking from the chainsaw wounds in its chest as you ejaculate over its mangled corpse.
<ebert4> wtf dud
#73450 (948/1034) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<Buck> the MPAA site has an interesting anti piracy blitz going on for Christmas
<Buck> they say that they're protecting users from buying pirated copies of films
<Buck> then they go on to say that you can recognize pirated films by the fact that they're a lot cheaper, out before or while films are still in theatres, are region free and contain no DRM
<Buck> if I wouldn't have pirated before.. the MPAA sure has convinced me to do it now
#61180 (3227/3539) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
* Joins: redryan_
<Trinexx> ryan! :D
<Trinexx> dude, where you been at?
<redryan_> man, I have no fucking idea. I went outside to get the mail, next thing I know I've got a job and a social life
#297753 (1839/2017) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<Seth> We were out fishing one time, and I was like, "So what would you do if I was dating your daughter?"
<Seth> And he goes, "I'd kill you."
<Seth> Straight faced, too. ;(
<Seth> And then he pulls out a knife, still straight faced.
<Seth> And then goes, "Just kidding man. She already told me."
<Seth> I damn near shit myself. ;<
save page | share 123456..583Next>

About / Browse / Latest / Random / Queue / Prefs / Submit Quote / Search
14,492 quotes approved; 9,687 fermenting; karma: 191.4002