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TodayLatestBestTopWorst1337Random<Prev1..61626364656667..596Next> |
#57641 (316/518) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<NiteHawk> My mom just caught me masturbating.. Dammit...
<Mikkel> Ah well, everyone does it man. Shit happens
<NiteHawk> Yeah but while I was about to blow the dog ran in, I was trying to push the dog out of the room when my mom walked in.
<NiteHawk> Lets just say its not a good site one hand on the dog, the other holding a kleenix full of jizz, and my pants half down.
<NiteHawk> The look on her face dood, she was mortified.
<Mikkel> >.< |
#48657 (317/489) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<elrond2> 24 hour fitness is open 24 hours a day
<emitmai> at 3am they have a sign that says 'run around the block'
<emitmai> behind their closed gates |
#48628 (317/521) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<timmo> i wonder how many child slayings are actually people coming back in time
<timmo> saving us from the next hitler |
#48080 (316/510) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
Somebody137: o god.. at the show saturday i took this chick home... and o god
Somebody137: she was hot
Somebody137: o god
Caffeinated Soap: did you get her number?
Somebody137: what the hell would i do with that? |
#48005 (317/517) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<fittysix> elmo, if the internet were a city there'd be a resturaunt everyone reccomends, but when you walk in you see a gaping anusComment: #genmay on irc.0id.net
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#29717 (317/471) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<AlmtyBob> I'm going to have the girl I made out with come to my office on her lunch break
<AlmtyBob> and have some "fun at work"
<AlmtyBob> *wink wink* *nudge nudge*
<IceWizard> ... you two are going to link up GBAs?
<IceWizard> and play Tetris?
<AlmtyBob> N0!
<AlmtyBob> ADVANCE WARS PLS |
#29059 (317/489) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<DrPoole> she just emailed me. "you are a fucking prick"
<DrPoole> and i hit reply
<DrPoole> and wrote "unsubscribe" |
#18957 (318/458) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<Randomman> I would'nt be late for work so often if only my cock would go off on fuckin time for once.
*** Randomman has quit IRC (Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.) |
#11291 (317/446) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<prok> heh they set up one of those temporary radar speed detector things yesterday, the ones that tell you how fast you're going
<prok> with a big sign
<prok> i did about 5 laps around it trying to get my car up to 120
<ShizCakes> You know it takes your picture if it starts blinking when you go past it, right?
<prok> whoops |
#1660 (317/439) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<DigiGnome> Real life should have a fucking search function, or something.
<DigiGnome> I need my socks. |
#306481 (316/422) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<rorski> You know how Ctrl-a-d detaches a screen session? I just accidently ran that in Outlook... which selected everything in my Inbox and deleted it. |
#79712 (316/452) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
< nixternal> hey, I have Office 2007 Enterprise free, who wants it?
< Red_Herring> ME ME ME ME ME
< nixternal> for real?
< Red_Herring> no
< nixternal> why not?
< Red_Herring> a) i dont use windows
< Red_Herring> b) i dont use office
< nixternal> you passed the test!
< Red_Herring> what do i win?
< nixternal> Office 2007 EnterpriseComment: #ubuntu-chicago
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#65051 (316/508) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<FireSlash> So, at my office they're deploying a bunch of new HP Color Laser printers. These things are hot. Double sided printing, fast, etc.
<FireSlash> Now, to set them up its pretty simple... Plug it in, call some guy and have him do all the internal setup via telnet, then pop the toner in and its ready to roll.
<FireSlash> So, aparrently the guy they tasked to do this is colorblind.
<FireSlash> I'm currently going around the office and it appears that he somehow managed to defeat odds and get EVERY TONER in the wrong order.
<FireSlash> But it gets better.
<FireSlash> They're keyed so you can't do this. He forced them into each slot so it takes two people and a lot of manhandling to get them out.
<FireSlash> Aparrently someone asked him about it and he was like "Yeah, those printers are stupid. Why do you need four grey toners?"
<FireSlash> >.< |
#49559 (316/466) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<Jakl> oh god that was not good
<Jakl> okay so my balls were itching right
<rat> I don't like the way this is sounding...
<Jakl> they wouldn't quit so i went into my wifes bathroom and got some anti-itch cream
<Jakl> i squeeze some out of the tube and apply it to my sack
<Jakl> it starts burning, and within seconds i feel like my balls are going to melt off
<Jakl> istarted screaming and my wife ran in and was like "what's wrong?!"
<Jakl> i explain my situation and she starts cracking up
<Jakl> as i'm standing there nearly in tears she grabs the tubee and points to the ingredients
<Jakl> the cream was mentholated
<rat> rofl
<Jakl> my nuts are still burning even after a shower
<Jakl> but the itching stopped |
#48531 (316/490) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<Tym> i have a question to you older folks
<Tym> how do you fucking do it
<Tym> work so god damn much, how do people work 40 hours a week their whole damn lives
<Tym> i'm going insane and i've only been doing it for 3 weeks
<Suzuran> It's like this. Do you like to eat?
<Tym> yes
<Tym> i eat alot
<Suzuran> Then you'll work like the rest of us. It's really hard to eat without money.Comment: Aniverse: #megatokyo
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#37376 (316/476) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<Nesta> The maker doesn't need it,
<Nesta> The buyer doesn't use it,
<Nesta> The user uses it without knowing.
<Nesta> What is it?
<el draco> damn i know this
<el draco> the grave thing
<el draco> i dont know how to say in english
<el draco> the box you wear when you die |
#20155 (317/482) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<@kitten> oh
<@kitten> mmy
<@kitten> god
<@harb> ?
<@kitten> quarter-sized
<@kitten> spider
<@kitten> it's dead
<@harb> Good for you.
<@harb> You're one step closer to not being a fucking pussy.
<@kitten> I hosed it down with the Pine Sol, and shot it with the BB gun.
<@harb> Nevermind. |
#19386 (317/515) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<Kr1sten> I lost my virginity last night
<[zT]Lunchie> Oh shit! Get it back! You have to find!!!
<[zT]Lunchie> I'll look in the car, you look by the sofa.
<Kr1sten> You are such an ass. |
#3402 (316/535) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<|sco|t> doesn anyone in here know a good amount of php
<Jumper> |sco|t, the #php guys do ;)
<JibberJim> |sco|t go to #php
<[ric]> and #women is full of women, go figure
<JibberJim> and #teens is full of 40 year old men. |
#304474 (315/373) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<@Fingers> soooooo
<@Fingers> anyone else familiar with the Xerox Phaser 8200/8400 printers?
<@Fingers> specifically the ink blocks they use?
<@Fingers> you know, the ones that are basically big blocks of colored wax, kind of like crayons?
<Genesys> neat
<@Fingers> now, I say "kind of like" because obviously, they ARE NOT crayons
<Genesys> aww
<@Fingers> however
<@Fingers> it appears that distinction was lost on one of my coworkers
<@Fingers> who decided that the best course of action when the yellow ink sticks ran low was NOT to order replacements
<@Fingers> but instead, to jam a shit-ton of yellow Crayolas into the yellow feed slot
<Genesys> you are kidding, right?
<@Fingers> no
<@Fingers> I am not
<@Fingers> at least she removed the paper wrapper first
<@Fingers> "well, they're both just colored wax, right?"
<@Fingers> sure
<@Fingers> and gasoline and diesel are just petroleum products, either should work fine
<@Fingers> I'm trying to remove the ink feed assembly to see if I can chisel this nasty crayon mess out of the printer
<@Fingers> FUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuComment: Fingers works in education. These people are teaching your children!
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#303811 (315/405) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<@[Cadaver]> cops don't have a sense of humor -_-
<@[Cadaver]> so there I was cycling (without lights) on an unlit road in the rain
<@[Cadaver]> I make a small turn and my wheels slide away and fall on my chin.
<@[Cadaver]> cheek is bleeding.
<@[Cadaver]> (and my lips aparently, but I didn't noticed this)
<@[Cadaver]> to prevent blood on my chothing I wipe it away with my hands and continue cycling home
<@[Cadaver]> clothing*
<@[Cadaver]> after a while a cop spots me and stops me
<@[Cadaver]> when he noticed the blood on cheeck/lips and hands he asks me from who it is
<@[Cadaver]> 'the blood of 7 holy virgins' wasn't an acceptable answer :(
<@[Cadaver]> spent 8 hours at the station for blood tests and a conversation with a psychologist |
#302530 (315/439) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<Apophis> Somalian radio stations have banned certain songs
<Apophis> my first thought upon learning this was, 'they'll still be played on pirate radio'
<Apophis> then I punched myself |
#301716 (315/393) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
S: Cute coworker is cute
Mabbo: Don't you have a boyfriend?
S: I have a boyfriend, not a visual impairment |
#52153 (315/527) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
(+Akiros) OMG A GIRL MSGED ME ON AIM
(+Akiros) WHEW that was awesome
(+Akiros) i logged out immediately
(+Akiros) this rocks, i bet this is what sex is likeComment: irc.lessthanthree.us #<3
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#35674 (315/515) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<-- [0_x] has quit (Quit: Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].) |
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