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TodayLatestBestTopWorst1337Random<Prev1..82838485868788..596Next> |
#297750 (156/368) ↑Good ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<@max> I wonder if uniball has ever thought of getting lance armstrong to sponsor their pens |
#152644 (238/380) ↑Good ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Crucial> whats a quick way to push ipconfig /release, ipconfig /renew to 50 or
so workstations
<Mo> cycle power to the building |
#152231 (48/262) ↑Good ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Wolfram> if there's any city in the world that deserves to be destroyed by a thousand-foot cock unleashing a hundred billion gallons of radioactive semen, it's Tokyo |
#297780 (418/566) ↑Good ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<kylierenea> I have the COOLEST teacher in my substance abuse class!
<kylierenea> I was in my substance abuse class today
<kylierenea> we were on the topic of marijuana
<kylierenea> and she started telling this story...
<kylierenea> she said "one day i was pulling weeds from my garden"
<kylierenea> and she's this really nice, old lady too..
<kylierenea> and she says "while I'm pulling weeds i see this small plant.."
<kylierenea> "and i think to myself, this looks like marijuana"
<kylierenea> "so i bring it up to my nose and smell it and i'm like.."
<kylierenea> "this SMELLS like marijuana..."
<kylierenea> then she says "so i take it inside, grind it, roll it, and smoke it"
<kylierenea> "and I'm like, 'this IS marijuana!" |
#297776 (1809/2025) ↑Good ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<DevXen> seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable. |
#297775 (1511/1779) ↑Good ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Pryoidain> Did I tell you guys my cop story?
<asaph> No, Pry.
<Pryoidain> Okay so..
<Pryoidain> I get hungry one day, and I tell my mom I'm heading out.
<Pryoidain> She tells me to pick up a watermelon from the farmer's market while i'm out.
<Pryoidain> So I do, and I notice the KFC across the street is open.
<Pryoidain> Being someone who pays very close attention to gas usage, I make the logical choice and get some KFC.
<cjk> ...oh boy...
<Pryoidain> Yep. I turn down king and flip the radio dial, and during my fumbling I speed up to 55.
<Pryoidain> King is a 45.
<Pryoidain> so I fly by this cop, who promptly pulls me over.
<Pryoidain> The cop...is BLACK.
<Pryoidain> He walks up to the window, and asks the question.
<Pryoidain> "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
<Pryoidain> I just...leaned back so he could see the watermelon and the fried chicken in the passenger seat.
<Pryoidain> the cop damn near pissed himself laughing. He laughed for a solid five minutes.
<Pryoidain> I then...got off...WITHOUT A TICKET. |
#297766 (653/877) ↑Good ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<@monkey> so, is anyone else going to update their resume with "5 year google beta tester"? |
#297762 (422/602) ↑Good ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<_kr4m3r> so many fucking criminals, its bullshit
<foniks`> heh, if we sent all the criminals to some empty continent and just left them there to die
<foniks`> and showed up like 50yrs later like, "sup?"
<foniks`> whatd u think they'd say?
<FoSZoR[bg]> something along the lines of, "G`Day mate" |
#297681 (90/202) ↑Good ↓Bad ⚐Flag
Jason: need to buy a few things
Jason: 1, set of goalie gears (most expensive... need to spend time shop around.. would cost $600+ brand new)
Jason: 2, hockey bags (prolly can get what i want for 20 bucks. just need to make sure size is big enough)
Jason: 3, my mom's spoon rack
Me-MSN: why do you need to buy that?
Me-MSN: doesn't your mom already have a nice rack?
Jason: she's asian |
#297601 (59/349) ↑Good ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<MmmBacon> When Farah Fawcett got to heaven, and went through the pearly gates, she was greeted by God.
<MmmBacon> "Wow!" exclaimed the Holy Ghost. "We really enjoyed your work here. Especially Charlie's Angels! I still have a poster in my office of you with that red bikini!"
<MmmBacon> Farah is a little taken aback. "Thank you, Lord..."
<MmmBacon> Jehovah goes on, "Well, I have a special reward for you. I'm prepared to grant you one wish. Have anything in mind?"
<MmmBacon> Not one to act selfish and change God's opinion of her, Farah thinks for a second and decides upon a wish. "I'd like for all the children of the world to be safe and sound forever."
<MmmBacon> "Done!" exclaims the Heavenly Father. He snaps, and Michael Jackson appears next to Farah.Comment: ##socialites@freenode
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#297356 (272/380) ↑Good ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<dd7> ah, what the hell
<dd7> the girl i just started dating told me she hacks into sites using sql injection and ddos
<Trenzein> your girlfriend is a script kiddie
<Trenzein> lmao |
#297051 (139/303) ↑Good ↓Bad ⚐Flag
Andrew to Ryan: Go Home?
Ryan: Yes
Andrew: What does that mean?
Ryan: It's the place with the other computer.Comment: Overheard two co-workers
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#296679 (390/496) ↑Good ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<@impossible> my buds and i share dedicated server hosting
<@impossible> so we all paypal our one friend for the monthly payment
<@impossible> so for the last four months it's been paypal messages like, "less teeth, more attentino to the balls"
<@impossible> and he got an email today saying his account has been permanently closed for adult services, which is a violation of paypal usage |
#295087 (192/330) ↑Good ↓Bad ⚐Flag
%rok3n> explain the 90s in one sentence.
@solaroperator> dildo: not just for women anymore |
#281474 (335/431) ↑Good ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Loser> what will happen when I tell my parents I'm bi>
<GaidinBDJ> You mother looks at your father and says "You owe me $100"Comment: #fark
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#260967 (1010/1186) ↑Good ↓Bad ⚐Flag
Dexi: so..... I got a black eye at work today...
Grim: haha how?
Dexi: you know how in cartoons when someone steps on a rake, it comes up and hits them in the face?
Dexi: yeah that really happens. |
#197843 (154/212) ↑Good ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<toby> if you look up 'outer' on wikipedia
<toby> you are redirected to 'interior'
<toby> i didn't expect an article but come now
<toby> it looks like a wacky big brother logan's run type of thing
<toby> don't concern yourself with the outside! what's inside our suspicious utopian encyclopedia is all your life need be! |
#297744 (257/369) ↑Good ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<nutkase> i need to schedule an eye exam
<nutkase> with a different doctor who wont cuss me out and tell me i need ritalin
<hateful> lol, did you jump when he was putting in the drops?
<nutkase> no
<nutkase> but when he was asking me which one was better number 1 or number 2 i was like how come there numbered and i only get 2 options
<nutkase> and then he was telling me to read the lines, and he had the radio on in the background and i was asking him to turn it up cause i liked that song
<nutkase> finally he said god damn it can you pay attention so we can get this over with and i responded with sorry i wasnt paying attention
<hateful> lol
<nutkase> and he proceeded to tell me i needed ritalin |
#297734 (117/247) ↑Good ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Nick> knuck
<knuck> what
<Nick> do you have a fossil museum near you?
<Nick> I know there's like over 100 collections or someting in Brazil, so I Was curious.
<MonopolyMan> i have a fossil museum in my animal crossing town if that helps |
#297733 (156/296) ↑Good ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<~Chokehold> man
<~Chokehold> I love this torrent site sometimes
<~Chokehold> it just helped me prank this douche
<~ZeraDaMan> lol
<~Chokehold> some guy has been asking for this norwegian movie on DC++ all fucking day
<~Chokehold> so I'm like "fine, I'll help you look"
<~Chokehold> I found the nfo for the specific release he wanted
<~Chokehold> ..then I downloaded Big.Big.Babes.30.XXX.DVDRip.XVID-DFA
<~Chokehold> and renamed it a little bit
<~Chokehold> ...and tinkered with the nfo and sfv file
<~Chokehold> and remove sample :3
--- 11 minutes later ---
<~Chokehold> oh, the guy's back online
<~Chokehold> most likely he figured out what I did there |
#151878 (107/261) ↑Good ↓Bad ⚐Flag
process hijack: why do they ship computers with norton on them?
process hijack: thats like shipping toilets with shit already in them
lbreeves2: lmfao
lbreeves2: so whats mcafee? shipping them with stagnant piss in there?
process hijack: yeah something alot the lines of that |
#297753 (1861/2045) ↑Good ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Seth> We were out fishing one time, and I was like, "So what would you do if I was dating your daughter?"
<Seth> And he goes, "I'd kill you."
<Seth> Straight faced, too. ;(
<Seth> And then he pulls out a knife, still straight faced.
<Seth> And then goes, "Just kidding man. She already told me."
<Seth> I damn near shit myself. ;< |
#297701 (341/429) ↑Good ↓Bad ⚐Flag
ilikeanime12: lol universal is making an Asteroids movie
MDidget: ...
MDidget: why?
ilikeanime12: I don't know
ilikeanime12: but hey
ilikeanime12: at least there is no plot for them to fuck up
ilikeanime12: unless they don't have an asteroid and a space ship in the movie
ilikeanime12: in which case yeah they fucked up |
#297574 (263/363) ↑Good ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Havokroft> \o/
<Panzerwurst> I shall steal your slash keys
<Panzerwurst> so you can't cheer any more
<Havokroft> o |
#297561 (419/537) ↑Good ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<ProtoTom> WTF's a woofer?
<Jizzle> It's a special speaker reserved for making "woof" sounds in some songs
<Jizzle> WHO LET THE DOGS OUT for instance
<ProtoTom> seriously?
<MACROX> yeah...the runtime complexity of producing that sound was way to high
<MACROX> so they implemented it in harware |
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