|#307916 (297/333) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<@Sebas> Apparently I tried to go to sleep with my feet on the pillow because "then they'd get to be comfortable for a change, too"
<@Sebas> And when the girlfriend told me I'd suffocate then, I told her "No, because I'm James Bond"
<@Sebas> Which I later explained, after they told me this, was because James Bond is an under-cover agent.
<@Sebas> So obviously he wouldn't suffocate under the blankets.
<@Sebas> EVEN WHEN I'M SHITFACED OUT OF MY MIND, I MAKE TERRIBLE PUNS
|#307870 (-16/142) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<shanty> are there secret handshakes involved in worshipping your balls?
<CB|MC> you just cup them
<collin> lift and tickle.
|#307868 (124/184) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<Greed> You guys wanna hear something fucked?
<olleman> we're on the internet, after all
koala_bot waits for it
<Greed> The previous owner of my cell phone number died in a car crash involving a drunk driver.
<Greed> His mom, who has dementia, calls me 10-14 times per week and leaves messages asking when 'Thomas' is going to come home and stop dallying around with his friends
<Greed> Or when he's going to come vistit her
<Greed> Or asking Thomas what's for dinner
<Greed> Or pleading with him to call her more
<Greed> And if I pick up the number and explain to her that I'm not Thomas
<Greed> She'll argue and cry and plead with me to stop messing with her
<Greed> And this happens on almost a daily basis
<Greed> Sometimes she'll call me at 2AM and ask me where I am
<Greed> Why I'm not at home eating cornbread
<olleman> that is heart breaking
<Suppa_Spic> Greed: tell her her son is dead
<Greed> And when I pick up the phone now and again and tell her that she has the wrong number, that Thomas isn't even part of this world anymore
<Greed> She gets angry and even more sad and yells at me to stop playing sick games with her
<Greed> And because of the Dementia, she doesn't remember each encounter the next day
<Greed> Every day is just a replay of the day before he died for her
<WordpressNoob> your number is tied to your phone not a SIM?
<WordpressNoob> get off CDMA man
<Greed> Google Voice.
<Greed> Actually no, the number she calls is the phone's
<chiper> I'd have gotten a new number a long time ago
<Greed> Nobody else knows that number but she and I
<Greed> I mean
<Greed> I can't do that
<Greed> I don't know what it would do to her if every time she called him (Once or twice a day), she got a dead line
|#307843 (334/410) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<Grauwolf> The best thing about UDP jokes is that I don't care if you get them or not
|#307814 (55/129) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<+Raija> what does it feel like to use a penis, though?
<Skarlet> you don't know?
<Fritz> It feels awesome!
<+Raija> I mean, what does it feel like to fuck something with a penis
<Fritz> The power of the world in the palm if your hand
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|#307813 (204/250) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<+Emmy> It's a good thing I've got a nokia.
<+Emmy> I kinda accidentally threw it against a wall >.<
<+Akuma> Emmy: oh shit! is your wall okay?!
|#307812 (137/201) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<ninja_warrior666> can anyone tell me how to create sodium metal?
<ninja_warrior666> or nitrocellulose?
<Schroedingers_hat> Well, it all starts with an infinitely hot singularity...
<Schroedingers_hat> But you've gotta create some nothing first.
<Schroedingers_hat> Well, not first
<Schroedingers_hat> because you haven't created time yet.
<Schroedingers_hat> Well not yet
<Schroedingers_hat> but you get what I mean
|#166066 (270/308) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<Jolt_Rogue> Long, tech explanation,
<Jolt_Rogue> or short simple one?
<Star_Ringer> medium, layman's terms one for someone who sort of knows what you're talking about but not intimately as you
<Jolt_Rogue> So, I'm explaining sex to someone who's seen a lot of porn. Gotcha.
|#161990 (52/156) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<redeyes>The thing about porn is that a) there is a lot of it and b) it isn't going to go away or stop. Do you really need to store a lot of it for archival purposes?
<TTC>It's kinda like getting horny for a girl you used to fuck, and being able to have her nake in front of you instantaneously. And when you're done, she goes the fuck away.
<TTC>Except you never really fucked her and you're probably a serial killer.
|#153441 (-43/233) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<Psynapse> hey can anyone tell me why i cant see certain forums on the website ?
<rattlehead> your sat too far from the screen
|#153297 (86/212) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<travish> you're gonna get her hooked on amphetamines
<TheShining> you can't get hooked on adderall
<TheShining> i've been taking it for like 3 years
|#307357 (210/270) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<&Zera> Oh jesus.. I need to turn off the network share monitor on zerver/glasnftp. *ring ring* "Hey, me (mom's bf) and your mom's gonna watch a movie on the big screen up here. What's the logon password for the server again?". *20 minutes later and checking share activity* "Amateur.Anal.Attempts.15.xxx.dvdrip"
<&Zera> I did not need to know this
|#305289 (192/272) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<dr_jkl> I HAVE A THREE DAY WEEKEND AND A SOLDERING IRON.
<dr_jkl> i am going to have so much fun. :D
|#301716 (259/335) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
S: Cute coworker is cute
Mabbo: Don't you have a boyfriend?
S: I have a boyfriend, not a visual impairment
|#301701 (135/217) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
Matt: im never going to sleep again
Matt: I just had a dream that consisted of me attempting to save the world in a zombified universe. Saving it meant finding a cigar from 7-11 (it HAD to be 7-11) so that I could shove it up my ex girlfriends ass (who was with another guy because he's better at his job than me) and light the cigar, prompting it to turn into a rocket and launch her into the moon.
Syswear: Geek & Gamer T-shirts. Discount code QDBREADER
|#307521 (303/335) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<UmlautBanana> do we have a y/n bot in here
<UmlautBanana> ...wait what
|#307516 (237/273) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<+Polynomial> there's a weight loss clinic on my way to work called Beacon
<+Polynomial> someone spray painted over the 'e' so it reads "B acon" instead
<slc> haha awesome
<+Polynomial> not only that, but they did it on the slogan too...
<+Polynomial> "Lose weight fast with B acon!"
<slc> whoever did that needs an invitation to the league of internet superheroes
|#307492 (102/196) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<AB-Guest> How do I make my own Super Mario bros. 3 levels and mapps
<Kawa> 1) Get the right ROM
<Kawa> 2) Get a copy of a good SMB3 level editor. Take your pick.
<Kawa> 3) Use it
<AB-Guest> What is a SMB3
|#307637 (19/177) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<Knack> i've just had someone from newcastle trying to say 8 A A over the phone
<Knack> took about 5 attempts until i understood him
<ZoFreX> eight alpha alpha
<ZoFreX> what's the problem :P
<retrominge> Knack: eeeet, eeeee, eeeee?
<Knack> sounded like he was saying hay hay hayComment: #reddit-uk
|#307633 (130/196) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<Aberrant> I found out why my brother dropped off the face of the internet
<Aberrant> he rage quit TF2 by taking a pair of scissors to all the cables in his PC
<Aberrant> then to the motherboard
|#307624 (217/293) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<Jargon> We don't HAVE BEer pong here in Belgium
<Jargon> The idea that you can somehow "Win" at drinking is purely an American thing
<Quantum_Meddler> So you don't have drinking games there?
<Jargon> actually yes
<Jargon> there is one
<Jargon> You may have heard of it
<Jargon> It's called "going out and getting laid"
|#307623 (124/186) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<azonenberg> wordpress is an unauthenticated remote shell that, as a useful side feature, also contains a blog
|#307612 (224/294) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
* Schrodinger has joined #chat
<Remus> How's your cat, Schrodinger
<Schrodinger> I'm not too sure.
<Schrodinger> I'm afraid to check.
|#307608 (174/232) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
* Lawrence yawns. "Napping then poker tonight."
<runrunner> fap poker
<&Ashilstraza|Raveness> how does one play fap poker?
<runrunner> kind of like strip poker
<Fritz> If you have a good hand, you win
|#307592 (124/160) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<flotwig> non-computer people ask what you like to do
<flotwig> just say "oh, i'm in the php scene"
<flotwig> they'll think you're doing drugs or some shit
<arpad> "poor guy, he can't even spell pcp"
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