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TodayLatestBestTopWorst1337Random<Prev1..115116117118119120121..596Next> |
#68734 (173/331) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<Stux> my girlfriend sent me a video
<Stux> it was of me
<Stux> wearing her skirt, top and a bra with padding
<Stux> and...until it panned up, i looked like a girl :(
<Rjx> email it ;x
<Stux> wap doesnt work
<Rjx> you know what else doesn't work?
<Rjx> your masculinity |
#69190 (201/371) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<@Biomech> I was at the opticians today, and the only way I could think of to describe a pair of frames to my girlfriend was "border-bottom: 0px" |
#69178 (259/389) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<GreyKnight> Hey, I just won the lottery in *Spain* this time!!
<GreyKnight> and they're e-mailing me from an Italian address...
<GreyKnight> and targeting an Irishman who they think is American
<GreyKnight> It's a proper international scam |
#69176 (431/571) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<CinamonGirl> Fuck my ass hurts
<CinamonGirl> Err, there should be a comma in there. O.o
*** arsebandit perks up
*** arsebandit is now known as hurts |
#69154 (283/509) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<Apofisu> Allow me to sing 100 bottles of beer on the wall
<Apofisu> *ahem*
<Apofisu> x = 100;
<Apofisu> while(x > 0) {
<Apofisu> printf("%d bottles of beer on the wall. \n %d bottles of beer. \n Take one down, pass it around. \n %d bottles of beer on the wall.", x, x, x-1);
<Apofisu> x--;
<Apofisu> }
* Apofisu bows |
#69122 (257/405) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
< |xanth|> I'm just that random guy who hangs around to make you feel better about yourself
< |xanth|> you know, the ugly fat friend people have
< |xanth|> except i'm not fat or ugly, I just have 56kComment: #apathbeyond
|
#68976 (1194/1312) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<iV> close call tonight
<iV> on my way home from work, and this guy comes out of this alley in front of me, then runs towards me and shoves me down on the ground
<iV> he has a pistol in his hand and says "why'd you do it? tell me why i shouldn't fucking kill you right now!"
<iV> then he stops, looks at me and starts laughing...
<iV> he helps me up and he's like "haha sorry man i thought you were this other dude...whew glad i noticed the difference."
<iV> and he goes back into the alley
<iV> seriously..wtf |
#68954 (252/446) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<MrZodiac> oh man
<MrZodiac> this is so awkward
<MrZodiac> This girl who I boink now and again is in an open relationship with a dude I knew in college
<MrZodiac> This past weekend she and I made merry, and I threw ropey jets of jism all over her and some of the furnature we were making merry on
<MrZodiac> And I used a towel to clean her and the furnature off
<MrZodiac> So the guy sends me a myspace IM today asking me which towel I used
<MrZodiac> ugh
<MrZodiac> I feel weirdComment: #bifemunix on EFnet
|
#68742 (427/561) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<kaiser> how much weight can a donkey handle?
<Tsuta> kaiser: depends on the donkey
<kaiser> the standard donkey
<Tsuta> I bet anywhere from 10 to 250 lbs
<Tsuta> whytf do you need to know, anyways, kaiser?
<kaiser> i wanna know how much an assload is |
#68894 (896/1014) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<sysv> omg i was so fucking stoned yesterday
<sysv> got off the wrong level on the lift at work today
<sysv> all the floors have the same layout, and the tech center is in the same place per each floor
<sysv> so i goes and gets off at some chinese engineering level in our building
<sysv> walk into the office, through the office, and sit down in my chair in the server room
<sysv> i'm like "My, this chair is so comfy!... When did we upgrade our servers to Quad Xeon's?"...
<sysv> and people are coming to me asking for help, so I'm helping and shit, doing my job...
<sysv> 4 hours into it, someone asks me if I'm Guy Yee's assistant... and I'm like "who the fuck is Guy Yee?"...
<sysv> things went downhill from there, once they realized (and i realized) I didn't work on that level
<sysv> but they were happy to pay me for my 4 hours of time, and send me on my way down the lift to my companies level... i was wonderin why everyone was so fucking nice to me
<sysv> -_- |
#68888 (371/513) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
Phryss: to change stuff, I need a password I don't remember
Phryss: but I wrote it down for safe-keeping
Phryss: I wrote it on a post-it
Phryss: and put the post-it in the owner's manual
Phryss: which my parents lost.
Phryss: so I click the "forgot password" link
Phryss: which gives me a password hint
Phryss: The hint that I chose tells me that it's on the post-it that's inside the owners manual that my parents lost. |
#68581 (170/312) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<ibiwan> skype to the rescue
<ibiwan> the one time I let myself bring the iBook in the restroom with me
<ibiwan> there's no TP
<ibiwan> so I call my gf on skype...
<ibiwan> and she brings a roll upstairs! |
#68462 (187/331) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
< PatrickBic> will go home soon
< PatrickBic> and no parents at home the whole weekend...
< JimPanic> Sounds like fun. :D
< PatrickBic> ye
< void[]> Party at PatrickBic's place
< PatrickBic> yea
< void[]> Bring your own compiler. |
#68635 (225/343) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<mojosmackwit> sorry
<mojosmackwit> i have a personality disorder
<clifgriffin> I didn't know "asshole" was considered a personality disorder. |
#68631 (225/357) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<@reed> Anybody run a Microsoft FTP server?
<@CTho> haha
<@CTho> i did that once
<@CTho> and then I was suddenly hosting warez and no longer in control of my computer |
#68626 (216/410) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<toor> MandaCakes: what does yom kippur taste like
<toor> is it sweet
<toor> :/
<MandaCakes> er.. yom kippur is a holiday
<MandaCakes> the holiest day of the year
<toor> no way!
<toor> i just got thru text messaging this hot jewish girl that i want to eat her yom kippur
<toor> GOSH
<toor> i always screw everything up.
<toor> >:( |
#68620 (156/306) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<Vulpyne> in my enlish class we were doing this mad lib type things
<Vulpyne> the teacher asked for a proper noun and i said Pamela Anderson
<Vulpyne> part of it ended up being "This horse should be good for racing. It's father was Seabiscuit and it's mother was Pamela Anderson" |
#68617 (240/368) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<@SNB> ... I just tried to scratch myself with the cursor.
<@SNB> I need help.Comment: #bah on darkmyst
|
#68469 (172/320) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<Moppy> I think I found a pointless secret passageway :(
<Apofisu> is that nerd-speak for seeing a vagina? |
#68418 (187/371) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<clice> yo
<rp> Sitting in some gay training.
<rp> Err..
<rp> The training itself is gay, not that it's teaching you how to be gay.
<clice> nice one |
#68399 (338/470) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
TrogL> overnight the janitors turned off the master DO NOT TURN OFF THIS SWITCH switch
TrogL> they routinely ignore the DO NOT ENTER OR WE WILL CALL THE POLICE AND HAVE YOU THROWN OUT OF THE COUNTRY sign
TrogL> one of these nights I'm just gonna stay in the server room overnight with my favourite axe
TrogL> I want them so terrified of even LOOKING at the server room they'll emigrate first
TrogL> I'm finding less and less polite ways of saying 'WHAT PART OF STAY THE FUCK OUT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND'
TrogL> apparently 'DANGER, DO NOT ENTER' doesn't cut it |
#68398 (290/422) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
TrogL> the person handing out official photo id will not give you your official photo id unless you have your official photo id
TrogL> 3 people are trying to get her to see the catch-22 and she's not getting it
[...]
TrogL> the lady with the ID's gave up and is now handing them out at random
TrogL> she's not even checking to make sure the picture matches
TrogL> apparently I'm a skanky blonde
TrogL> the guy next door's picture shows him bleeding profusely from a head wound
TrogL> gotta love low-bid contractors |
#68207 (160/414) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
jingoisticbsnis: e^x is walking along and 42 goes running by screaming, "There's a differential operator at the end of the street! If he catches me, I'll be nothing!" So e^x goes up to the operator and says, "I'm e^x. You can't do anything to me!" And the operator says, "Hi, I'm d/dy." |
#68324 (277/403) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<GoronZ> If I saw a person dress up as an Elf tomorrow I'm gonna shoot them.
<Ragnarok> Yes, I too would be angry seeing the past tense in the future. |
#68259 (218/340) ↑Funny ↓Boring ⚐Flag
<mrk_mat> I am BRILLIANT
<mrk_mat> found the loophole I needed to get what I wanted done
<d4_teh_gr8> "it aint cheatin if she's your cousin"? |
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