QDB: Statistically Best Quotes
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#302725 (246/276) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Crenomaster> I'm bored.
<Crenomaster> I think I'll count how many corners does a circle have.
<psy_wombats> Depends on your monitor resolution
#306822 (218/244) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<CrazyRussian> I just finished Leisure Suit Larry 1 (again)
<CrazyRussian> It's amazing how much easier this game is when you speak English
#159419 (925/1053) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
ruide: hey chris, stop fuckin cybering and let me show you something
cyph33r: what
cyph33r: i dont cyber cockbite, i have a gf
ruide: haha
cyph33r: what did you want to show me
ruide: i made an account on that scrabble website you go to
ruide: bubblegal_14
cyph33r: wtf
cyph33r: omg fuck you you fucking prick
ruide: chrisharker: i slide two fingers into your tight asshole
ruide: chrisharker: i've never done this before, am i doing it right?
#301022 (1091/1243) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Fraxtil> ugh
<Fraxtil> a bunch of mormons came to my door
<taiyal> lol
<Fraxtil> and I decided to listen to them
<taiyal> you didn't convert did you
<Fraxtil> fucking 15 minutes later they're done and I have a Book of Mormon and some pamphlets
<Fraxtil> haha no
<taiyal> I have a Book of Mormon
<taiyal> got it for free off the internet
<NitroX72> they can actually drag on that long?
<Fraxtil> yes, nitro
<taiyal> i've read most of the first book
<taiyal> you know what's even better
<taiyal> on the page of the Mormon website where you can request a free book
<taiyal> you can check a box saying that you would like to have a representative come to your door and explain to you
<taiyal> so you can essentially beam mormons at people
#31247 (3231/3717) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Supra87T> aw, for shits sake!
<Snipa> what?
<Supra87T> remember sarah? well, the other night we fucked, and now i have to get tested for aids.
<Snipa> Think positive
<Supra87T> fuck you man, thats not even funny
#95752 (2607/2999) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<mongrethod> the highschool journalism website i run gets 50k hits monthly
<mongrethod> and I was really happy about that
<mongrethod> until I looked at our search keyphrase hits
<mongrethod> top category that wasn't "other"
<mongrethod> "Paly Boy"
<mongrethod> My school is named paly
<mongrethod> so I was thinking
<mongrethod> hmm thats odd
<mongrethod> then it hit me
<mongrethod> rearrange the a and the l
<mongrethod> I haven't had the heart to tell my staff
#310560 (51/55) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<@PapaJohn> that's like the BRT in my old shop
<@PapaJohn> nobody knew what it was
<@PapaJohn> i gave briefings to very high officials using the acronym and never got asked
<@PapaJohn> oh we use this signal, run it through a typical BRT and
<@PapaJohn> brt meant Big Round Thing
<@PapaJohn> true story bro
Comment: PapaJohn is ex US military
#310595 (65/71) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<@kmcdon> PenPen: what do you do as an it professional
<%PenPen> kmcdon: bitch about users on irc
#296856 (2002/2300) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Uuxaul> So I was on this "free resume" builder website last night. So I'm going through building my resume. Get to the end thinking, awesome! almost done. Shows me a preview embedded with Javascript so I can't click the page, and asks me to pay 14.95 for the "actual copy". So I'm like... WELL FUCK YOU. So I save the web page, delete the java bullshit, open it up in firefox, pull up the source after editing it in kate, copy and paste it to open office set it to recognize HTML tags... And PRINTED MY GOD DAMNED RESUME
<Uuxaul> It was just slightly annoying because I spent an hour on this site making everything perfect, and it even advertised free resume construction with an upgrade option you could pay for...
<Raine Sabaal> Hahahahaha!
<Raine Sabaal> You should add that to your resume.
<Uuxaul> Skills: Capable of bypassing Pay-To-Print resume builders.
#166066 (335/379) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Jolt_Rogue> Long, tech explanation,
<Jolt_Rogue> or short simple one?
<Star_Ringer> medium, layman's terms one for someone who sort of knows what you're talking about but not intimately as you
<Jolt_Rogue> So, I'm explaining sex to someone who's seen a lot of porn. Gotcha.
#102697 (2060/2374) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Rowan> gonna go to the store when it opens and buy some caffiene/caffeine
<&segosa> caffeine.
<Kotjze> i before e except in a lot of words
<&segosa> or you could just know how to spell words and not require stupid rules
<Kotjze> exactly
<Rowan> i dont think ive spelled that word much
<Rowan> and i keep running into words that ARENT I before E
<Rowan> like weird, atheist, broom
<Kotjze> broom?
#54088 (10333/11965) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Dogan> SO my teacher's friend's friend or something
<Dogan> She was dogsitting one day
<Dogan> Shows up the first time, finds the dog dead on the floor, right?
<Nightryde> how embarrassing
<Dogan> SO she's gotta pack the dog corpse up and take it to the vet so they can dispose of it or whatever
<Dogan> She can't find anything to fit it in, so she stuffs it in a freaking SUITCASE
<Dogan> She didn't have a car so she has to take the train through Chicago
<Zeelot> oh mannnn
<Dogan> This guy helps her carry the case on and is like
<Dogan> "this is pretty heavy, what's in it?"
<Dogan> lady replies "just some computer things"
<Nightryde> AHAHAHAHAHAHA HOW would you pawn that sort of thing???
Comment: True story.
#90232 (2970/3428) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<john1> hey how do i send a pm? :)
<john1> guys?
<quit> put a / before target's name then your message
*** john1 has quit IRC (like this? :))
<Karg> ...Oh man.
<Karg> That was almost too perfect.
#310167 (190/214) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<TheGreatSparky> Well over the last 100 years we have made such insane medical and technological advancements.  I mean, we have X-Rays and ultra sounds, we can replace hearts and reattach limbs, and we can even perform operations on the human brain.  How is it that with all that in mind, shoving a finger up a somebody's asshole is STILL the best method to check a prostate?
#32920 (1005/1153) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
(Mootar) morons.
(Mootar) these people who live in my apartment complex are connected to my wireless
(Mootar) they must think they're super-cool hackers by breaking into my completely unsecure network
(Mootar) unfortunatly, the connection works both ways
(Mootar) long story short, they now have loads of horse porn on their computer
#308649 (385/437) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<@esch> gonna need som eclarification there
<@pyna> how does eclarification differ from regular clarification ?
<@esch> creme filling, idiot
#308438 (219/247) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Migs> what does it mean when critics say a movie is "smart?"
<gildean> they didn't understand it
#86239 (751/859) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Bricker> Hey natpen, we�re trying to come up with some nicknames for Jennings, did you have any?
<natpen> Well, one time we were about to have sex and he was too drunk to get it up. So we laid there awhile and it was pretty awkward. Then, he stood up on the bed with the covers wrapped around his shoulders like a cape, and screamed �I�M BATMAN�. I almost shit myself.
<Bricker> Holy shit, are you fucking serious? Please tell me you�re making that up.
<natpen> No, I�m not. The weird thing is, after he got into the role, he finally got it up, and it was the best sex of my life. So I usually call him batman.
#309789 (106/118) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Taryn> toolbars can die in a fire
<Taryn> Do you want to install FreeVirusPorn.cn's toolbar? [YES] [no]
<Taryn> Are you sure you don't want FreeVirusPorn.cn's toolbar? [No]
<DahrkDaiz> actually
<DahrkDaiz> Do you want to refuse the installation of FreeFirusPorn.cn toolbar? [Yes] [No]
<Taryn> Do you not want to avoid refusing to non-uninstall FreeVirusPorn.cn toolbar? [Not No] [Not Non-No]
#310062 (148/166) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
< eneasvva> I'm trying to do an variable global (with class type), I see that in C++ is made with a variation of singleton, but this variation is incompatible with BC 3.1 . There's  another  way?
< j4cbo> what's BC 3.1?
< eneasvva> borland c++ 3.1
< eneasvva> I just want to a global instance
< j4cbo> um.
< j4cbo> from 1992?
< eneasvva> yes
< j4cbo> this channel will tend to yell at you for using C++03 instead of C++11
< j4cbo> i don't know how best to work around bugs in your compiler that's old enough to legally get drunk
< jeaye> get it drunk
#78929 (819/941) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<riko> dammit this has gotta stop.
<Baph> ?
<riko> my stepdad's been using my computer, going on porn, and saving it onto my desktop with the filenames set as numbers so i don't know what it is and i have to click on it to check.
<Baph> I thought your stepdad was gay?
<riko> precisely.
#257436 (921/1057) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Yo_Mamma> So Jimbot, what are you wearing?
<ichai> no
<ichai> you are not having cyber sex with my IRC bot
#297918 (1086/1248) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Fyad> When I bought siemens cellphone, siemens sold its cellular section. When I bought yakumo screen, yakumo got bunkrupt. When I bought fujitsu-siemens laptop, siemens sold its share.
<Fyad> Just curious what to buy next...
<r_heart> apple
<hoobsta> Apple
<sailo> apple
#111151 (2640/3062) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Zealo> English doesn't borrow from other languages. It follows them down dark allies, knocks them over, and goes through their pockets for loose grammar.
#117559 (2426/2808) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<BORK> wow
<BORK> my boss just told me to "Open ze portz" in his heavy accent
<45.50> what ports
<BORK> All of them, apparently. He wants everyone to fire up the torrents/P2P and start enjoying work.
<45.50> shit man can i come work for you? where do i send my resume
<BORK> The reason being, is so that in a month
<BORK> he'll be able to boost productivity by like 1000%
<45.50> how?
<BORK> by telling employee's that he'll close their ports again if they don't do some fucking work
<45.50> ...
<45.50> i want my resume back
<BORK> >:)
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