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#143212 (799/903) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<AllAgesDave> There are two seniors in here reading a copy of A Catcher in the Rye, and debating the meaning of the word "illiterate."
<AllAgesDave> One is saying it means "literature" and the other says it means "insane".
<Dre> :-[
<AllAgesDave> They just decided upon "language." Fuck my generation.
#136814 (2640/3006) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<thefiddler> Holy sonofabitch.
<thefiddler> I think my editor is flirting with me.
* thefiddler frowns
<Uhmerwell> ...Notepad?
<thefiddler> Errr.
<Uhmerwell> oh, you mean a human
<Uhmerwell> don't you :<
#76413 (2632/2998) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
< Swuave> Scopophobia is a fear of being looked at.
< Swuave> LOL, i'de like to see someone with that fear.
<@SantaBJ> they wouldn't.
#309905 (167/185) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Science> Quite frankly I'm kinda sick of the cats
<Science> Picture of cats have exactly zero appeal to me. So seeing half a channel go "No One Cares. At All CATS" is pretty annoying.
<Science> This channel isn't about looking at fucking cats
-!- Randall changed the topic of #xkcd to: This channel is about looking at fucking cats.
<Science> Ok now it's about cats
<Science> Carry on
#235178 (749/845) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
(Bubbles) diabetes...anemia...depression...alzheimers...is there any shitty disease I'm not going to be predisposed to?
(Alex) well
(Alex) STDs
#133573 (2949/3359) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
(meander) Newfoundland is like calling a place Untitled Document
(meander) i bet its the default name for discovered land
(meander) and they just clicked Ok
(meander) now all other countries have to start out as Newfoundland 2
#144904 (2278/2598) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<C-Johnson> holy shit
<C-Johnson> 420,000 people without power in miami
* C-Johnson has quit (Read error: Operation timed out)
<phlux> 420,001*
#311316 (69/75) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Helix_Mouse> I want a website full of examples of retarded, nonsensical c++ code that runs and you have to guess what the output is
<Pi> that's called "stack overflow"
#105771 (953/1081) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<alpha>: girls that care about money don't interest me
<alpha>: girls smarter than me do
<Bryant>: girls smarter than you hide their interest in money
<Bryant>: and you cant tell
<Bryant>: because they're smarter than you
#56878 (2845/3247) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Turtles> I really wouldn't mind if an old lady took a dump on my chest.
<Lovespuds> ...
<Lovespuds> ...Dude.
<Turtles> Er.
<Turtles> That was the wrong window.
<Lovespuds> Turtles, there is no such thing as the right window for that.
#234804 (3508/4010) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<vdou|> cat is a catnip junkie
<vdou|> she loves rubbing her face in it
<vdou|> i thought it was weird
<vdou|> until I imagined what I would do with pot if I didnt have thumbs or fire
#309086 (195/217) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
Charlie: next door have been drilling for like 2weeks non stop
Charlie: what the fuck are they making
Richard: holes
#310629 (89/97) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<TonyTheLemur> they tested our tornado siren a couple mornings ago
<Glaug-Eldare> did she attract any tornadoes
Comment: #foxie
#303743 (240/268) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<@Rjx> guy just called from a phone company
<@Rjx> my battery is actually running out
<@Rjx> and he's introducing himself, saying where he's from
<@Rjx> I just said buddy, I've got 5% battery left, what's the deal
<@Rjx> "are you interested in buying anything?" no "thanks"
<@Rjx> I need to try that every time
#237793 (855/969) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
JZarnecki: So I hooked up with a girl for the first time in like a year.  She wasn't anything great to look at, but I'll take what I can get.
JZarnecki: Her occupation was USPS delivery.
JZarnecki: We eventually get down to business and I'm fucked up drunk and wearing a condom, but still manage to cum almost immediately because it had been so long.  I pumped like 8 times it was terrible.  She was pissed
JZarnecki: Anyways, the next day when i wake up shes already gone and i shit you not, there is a "Failure to Deliver" notice from her stuck on my door.
EJAYwarrior42: Give me her new number, I need to invite her to the league of internet superheroes.
#223767 (1015/1155) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Scrumps> Hm... how do you log a user out remotely?
<ShinCS> sniper rifle
#104056 (1087/1237) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Spy^> Can someone help me plz ?
<ViciousPotato> As a great man once said
<ViciousPotato> If you say 'plz' because it's shorter than 'please', I'll say 'no' because it's shorter than 'yes'.
<Spy^> lol
<Spy^> can someone help me please -_-
#160168 (1044/1188) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<rbrown11> dude
<anon> ?
<rbrown11> i'm in the student center
<rbrown11> there's this guy in front of me, he looks EXACTLY like you
<rbrown11> should i say something?
<anon> it is me you fucker
#229087 (1044/1188) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<%kimini> best toilet graffiti i've ever seen
<%kimini> "I hate 2 things in life; irony and graffiti"
<%kimini> i shat myself laughing
<%kimini> but i was in the toilet, so it was ok.
#187177 (801/911) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<steven> ok, burning 2 CDs and then we're off to the hospital to have a baby
#297266 (939/1069) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Warchamp7> The other day at work, two of my bosses were trying to find each other in the office
<Warchamp7> And they were yelling "Ping!" back and forth
<Warchamp7> It was one of the greatest moments of my life
Comment: #MAGFest on irc.vgmusic.net
#273721 (2659/3045) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
chewypow: so when i worked at Starbucks in little rock, there was this super hot 18 year old, miss teen usa right
chewypow: she came in one day and was talking to me and told me when she was brushing her hair that morning, a lot of it came out.. she then continues to explain that she thought she had 'chemo'
chewypow: a week later she comes in and uses some mouthwash, and then swallows it. I point out to her that it says on the back if accidently swallowed to call poison control immediately
chewypow: she reads the label and looks at me and says "Oh.. it's ok. I didn't do it on accident"
muku: ...
chewypow: exactly. brain synapses stop firing when you hear this story right?
Comment: Sadly a true story
#294500 (1061/1209) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<MurderMachine> So did I ever tell you the story of how my parents met?
<DryBones> Nope.
<MurderMachine> Well, there are two versions I guess.
<DryBones> How?
<MurderMachine> The story my Mum tells is: A group of idiots pushed her over while ice skating and my Dad heroically went over and helped her up.
<MurderMachine> The story my Dad tells is: He paid a group of idiots to go push her over so he could go heroically help her up.
<DryBones> ROFL
<MurderMachine> I have been paid not to tell her.
#28804 (1044/1190) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<danamania> yay I fixed my laptops battery!
<danamania> it was so dead, nothing would charge it
<danamania> so I gave it the electronic equivalent of a kick in the head, by shorting the +/- terminals for 5 minutes
<gelfie> don't they have stickers on them that say they could explode or catch fire by doing that?
<danamania> yeah but it's ok, I took them off first.
#302725 (246/276) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Crenomaster> I'm bored.
<Crenomaster> I think I'll count how many corners does a circle have.
<psy_wombats> Depends on your monitor resolution
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