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#76413 (2615/2981) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
< Swuave> Scopophobia is a fear of being looked at.
< Swuave> LOL, i'de like to see someone with that fear.
<@SantaBJ> they wouldn't.
#235178 (730/826) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
(Bubbles) diabetes...anemia...depression...alzheimers...is there any shitty disease I'm not going to be predisposed to?
(Alex) well
(Alex) STDs
#133573 (2923/3333) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
(meander) Newfoundland is like calling a place Untitled Document
(meander) i bet its the default name for discovered land
(meander) and they just clicked Ok
(meander) now all other countries have to start out as Newfoundland 2
#144904 (2259/2579) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<C-Johnson> holy shit
<C-Johnson> 420,000 people without power in miami
* C-Johnson has quit (Read error: Operation timed out)
<phlux> 420,001*
#68894 (875/993) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<sysv> omg i was so fucking stoned yesterday
<sysv> got off the wrong level on the lift at work today
<sysv> all the floors have the same layout, and the tech center is in the same place per each floor
<sysv> so i goes and gets off at some chinese engineering level in our building
<sysv> walk into the office, through the office, and sit down in my chair in the server room
<sysv> i'm like "My, this chair is so comfy!... When did we upgrade our servers to Quad Xeon's?"...
<sysv> and people are coming to me asking for help, so I'm helping and shit, doing my job...
<sysv> 4 hours into it, someone asks me if I'm Guy Yee's assistant... and I'm like "who the fuck is Guy Yee?"...
<sysv> things went downhill from there, once they realized (and i realized) I didn't work on that level
<sysv> but they were happy to pay me for my 4 hours of time, and send me on my way down the lift to my companies level... i was wonderin why everyone was so fucking nice to me
<sysv> -_-
#105771 (941/1069) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<alpha>: girls that care about money don't interest me
<alpha>: girls smarter than me do
<Bryant>: girls smarter than you hide their interest in money
<Bryant>: and you cant tell
<Bryant>: because they're smarter than you
#234804 (3490/3992) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<vdou|> cat is a catnip junkie
<vdou|> she loves rubbing her face in it
<vdou|> i thought it was weird
<vdou|> until I imagined what I would do with pot if I didnt have thumbs or fire
#302675 (31/33) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<^[> if i get a new machine i've got everything else planned out for my old parts
<^[> the old desktop turns into a render box
<^[> the old render box turns into a fileserver
<^[> the old fileserver turns into a flowerpot
<^[> and the old flowerpot goes outside because i haven't watered it in like 9 months and the plants have been long dead
#309086 (188/210) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
Charlie: next door have been drilling for like 2weeks non stop
Charlie: what the fuck are they making
Richard: holes
#308836 (66/72) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<aydiosmio> I don't anticipate the world moving away from keyboards any time soon for the sake of productivity
<nydel> aydiosmio: i think the world will split into people who use touch-screens & people who have shit to do
Comment: #2600 on irc.2600.net
#303743 (232/260) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<@Rjx> guy just called from a phone company
<@Rjx> my battery is actually running out
<@Rjx> and he's introducing himself, saying where he's from
<@Rjx> I just said buddy, I've got 5% battery left, what's the deal
<@Rjx> "are you interested in buying anything?" no "thanks"
<@Rjx> I need to try that every time
#310167 (188/210) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<TheGreatSparky> Well over the last 100 years we have made such insane medical and technological advancements.  I mean, we have X-Rays and ultra sounds, we can replace hearts and reattach limbs, and we can even perform operations on the human brain.  How is it that with all that in mind, shoving a finger up a somebody's asshole is STILL the best method to check a prostate?
#159419 (911/1035) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
ruide: hey chris, stop fuckin cybering and let me show you something
cyph33r: what
cyph33r: i dont cyber cockbite, i have a gf
ruide: haha
cyph33r: what did you want to show me
ruide: i made an account on that scrabble website you go to
ruide: bubblegal_14
cyph33r: wtf
cyph33r: omg fuck you you fucking prick
ruide: chrisharker: i slide two fingers into your tight asshole
cyph33r: YOU ARE A FUCKING FAGGOT YOU KNOW THAT
cyph33r: I FUCKING HATE YOU
ruide: chrisharker: i've never done this before, am i doing it right?
cyph33r: FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE
#310231 (129/143) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
Maidenhelos> There are few times in life when "Oh shit" is more appropriate than when you accidentally find the septic tank by falling into it...
Maidenhelos> On a completely "unrelated" note guess what I did today
#311255 (66/72) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<Proview> i've got this code that's doing some statistical analysis and its telling me there are 8 days in a week
#237793 (845/959) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
JZarnecki: So I hooked up with a girl for the first time in like a year.  She wasn't anything great to look at, but I'll take what I can get.
JZarnecki: Her occupation was USPS delivery.
JZarnecki: We eventually get down to business and I'm fucked up drunk and wearing a condom, but still manage to cum almost immediately because it had been so long.  I pumped like 8 times it was terrible.  She was pissed
JZarnecki: Anyways, the next day when i wake up shes already gone and i shit you not, there is a "Failure to Deliver" notice from her stuck on my door.
EJAYwarrior42: Give me her new number, I need to invite her to the league of internet superheroes.
#187177 (793/903) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<steven> ok, burning 2 CDs and then we're off to the hospital to have a baby
#297266 (927/1055) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<Warchamp7> The other day at work, two of my bosses were trying to find each other in the office
<Warchamp7> And they were yelling "Ping!" back and forth
<Warchamp7> It was one of the greatest moments of my life
Comment: #MAGFest on irc.vgmusic.net
#273721 (2645/3031) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
chewypow: so when i worked at Starbucks in little rock, there was this super hot 18 year old, miss teen usa right
chewypow: she came in one day and was talking to me and told me when she was brushing her hair that morning, a lot of it came out.. she then continues to explain that she thought she had 'chemo'
chewypow: a week later she comes in and uses some mouthwash, and then swallows it. I point out to her that it says on the back if accidently swallowed to call poison control immediately
chewypow: she reads the label and looks at me and says "Oh.. it's ok. I didn't do it on accident"
muku: ...
chewypow: exactly. brain synapses stop firing when you hear this story right?
Comment: Sadly a true story
#309905 (156/174) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<Science> Quite frankly I'm kinda sick of the cats
<Science> Picture of cats have exactly zero appeal to me. So seeing half a channel go "No One Cares. At All CATS" is pretty annoying.
<Science> This channel isn't about looking at fucking cats
-!- Randall changed the topic of #xkcd to: This channel is about looking at fucking cats.
<Science> Ok now it's about cats
<Science> Carry on
#160168 (1024/1166) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<rbrown11> dude
<anon> ?
<rbrown11> i'm in the student center
<rbrown11> there's this guy in front of me, he looks EXACTLY like you
<rbrown11> should i say something?
<anon> it is me you fucker
#166066 (328/370) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<Jolt_Rogue> Long, tech explanation,
<Jolt_Rogue> or short simple one?
<Star_Ringer> medium, layman's terms one for someone who sort of knows what you're talking about but not intimately as you
<Jolt_Rogue> So, I'm explaining sex to someone who's seen a lot of porn. Gotcha.
#301022 (1078/1230) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<Fraxtil> ugh
<Fraxtil> a bunch of mormons came to my door
<taiyal> lol
<Fraxtil> and I decided to listen to them
<taiyal> you didn't convert did you
<Fraxtil> fucking 15 minutes later they're done and I have a Book of Mormon and some pamphlets
<Fraxtil> haha no
<taiyal> I have a Book of Mormon
<taiyal> got it for free off the internet
<NitroX72> they can actually drag on that long?
<Fraxtil> yes, nitro
<taiyal> i've read most of the first book
<taiyal> you know what's even better
<taiyal> on the page of the Mormon website where you can request a free book
<taiyal> you can check a box saying that you would like to have a representative come to your door and explain to you
<taiyal> so you can essentially beam mormons at people
#31247 (3220/3704) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
<Supra87T> aw, for shits sake!
<Snipa> what?
<Supra87T> remember sarah? well, the other night we fucked, and now i have to get tested for aids.
<Snipa> Think positive
<Supra87T> fuck you man, thats not even funny
#309588 (95/105) ↑Funny ↓Unfunny ⚐Flag
< Dan39> does anyone else get annoyed by stuff that seems too highly abstracted... :|
< _habnabit> Dan39, like your question?
Comment: #python
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