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#234804 (3486/3988) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<vdou|> cat is a catnip junkie
<vdou|> she loves rubbing her face in it
<vdou|> i thought it was weird
<vdou|> until I imagined what I would do with pot if I didnt have thumbs or fire
#308345 (233/261) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<eli> lesson learned: rm ** does not just remove all files that end with * :/
#159419 (909/1033) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
ruide: hey chris, stop fuckin cybering and let me show you something
cyph33r: what
cyph33r: i dont cyber cockbite, i have a gf
ruide: haha
cyph33r: what did you want to show me
ruide: i made an account on that scrabble website you go to
ruide: bubblegal_14
cyph33r: wtf
cyph33r: omg fuck you you fucking prick
ruide: chrisharker: i slide two fingers into your tight asshole
ruide: chrisharker: i've never done this before, am i doing it right?
#310474 (82/90) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<TheHackOps> I thought i was paranoid because I encrypt all my business emails
<TheHackOps> Get a letter from ISP asking why i am doing it
<TheHackOps> So yep
<TheHackOps> Some desert island is looking pretty good guys
Comment: irc.freenode.net ##security
#237793 (841/955) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
JZarnecki: So I hooked up with a girl for the first time in like a year.  She wasn't anything great to look at, but I'll take what I can get.
JZarnecki: Her occupation was USPS delivery.
JZarnecki: We eventually get down to business and I'm fucked up drunk and wearing a condom, but still manage to cum almost immediately because it had been so long.  I pumped like 8 times it was terrible.  She was pissed
JZarnecki: Anyways, the next day when i wake up shes already gone and i shit you not, there is a "Failure to Deliver" notice from her stuck on my door.
EJAYwarrior42: Give me her new number, I need to invite her to the league of internet superheroes.
#309986 (129/143) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
< Arelon> For example here in Beijing the pedestrian is never at fault if the other person was driving a motor vehicle
< Arelon> Even if the accident was the pedestrian's fault
<@Matthew> is that why the tanks didnt run that tianamen square guy over
#297266 (923/1051) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Warchamp7> The other day at work, two of my bosses were trying to find each other in the office
<Warchamp7> And they were yelling "Ping!" back and forth
<Warchamp7> It was one of the greatest moments of my life
Comment: #MAGFest on irc.vgmusic.net
#273721 (2643/3029) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
chewypow: so when i worked at Starbucks in little rock, there was this super hot 18 year old, miss teen usa right
chewypow: she came in one day and was talking to me and told me when she was brushing her hair that morning, a lot of it came out.. she then continues to explain that she thought she had 'chemo'
chewypow: a week later she comes in and uses some mouthwash, and then swallows it. I point out to her that it says on the back if accidently swallowed to call poison control immediately
chewypow: she reads the label and looks at me and says "Oh.. it's ok. I didn't do it on accident"
muku: ...
chewypow: exactly. brain synapses stop firing when you hear this story right?
Comment: Sadly a true story
#303743 (231/259) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<@Rjx> guy just called from a phone company
<@Rjx> my battery is actually running out
<@Rjx> and he's introducing himself, saying where he's from
<@Rjx> I just said buddy, I've got 5% battery left, what's the deal
<@Rjx> "are you interested in buying anything?" no "thanks"
<@Rjx> I need to try that every time
#310167 (185/207) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<TheGreatSparky> Well over the last 100 years we have made such insane medical and technological advancements.  I mean, we have X-Rays and ultra sounds, we can replace hearts and reattach limbs, and we can even perform operations on the human brain.  How is it that with all that in mind, shoving a finger up a somebody's asshole is STILL the best method to check a prostate?
#160168 (1020/1162) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<rbrown11> dude
<anon> ?
<rbrown11> i'm in the student center
<rbrown11> there's this guy in front of me, he looks EXACTLY like you
<rbrown11> should i say something?
<anon> it is me you fucker
#166066 (328/370) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Jolt_Rogue> Long, tech explanation,
<Jolt_Rogue> or short simple one?
<Star_Ringer> medium, layman's terms one for someone who sort of knows what you're talking about but not intimately as you
<Jolt_Rogue> So, I'm explaining sex to someone who's seen a lot of porn. Gotcha.
#310231 (127/141) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
Maidenhelos> There are few times in life when "Oh shit" is more appropriate than when you accidentally find the septic tank by falling into it...
Maidenhelos> On a completely "unrelated" note guess what I did today
#301022 (1076/1228) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Fraxtil> ugh
<Fraxtil> a bunch of mormons came to my door
<taiyal> lol
<Fraxtil> and I decided to listen to them
<taiyal> you didn't convert did you
<Fraxtil> fucking 15 minutes later they're done and I have a Book of Mormon and some pamphlets
<Fraxtil> haha no
<taiyal> I have a Book of Mormon
<taiyal> got it for free off the internet
<NitroX72> they can actually drag on that long?
<Fraxtil> yes, nitro
<taiyal> i've read most of the first book
<taiyal> you know what's even better
<taiyal> on the page of the Mormon website where you can request a free book
<taiyal> you can check a box saying that you would like to have a representative come to your door and explain to you
<taiyal> so you can essentially beam mormons at people
#31247 (3215/3699) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Supra87T> aw, for shits sake!
<Snipa> what?
<Supra87T> remember sarah? well, the other night we fucked, and now i have to get tested for aids.
<Snipa> Think positive
<Supra87T> fuck you man, thats not even funny
#187177 (790/900) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<steven> ok, burning 2 CDs and then we're off to the hospital to have a baby
#311097 (169/189) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<photo> i poured my root beer into a square cup and now all i have is beer. please advise.
#294500 (1040/1188) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<MurderMachine> So did I ever tell you the story of how my parents met?
<DryBones> Nope.
<MurderMachine> Well, there are two versions I guess.
<DryBones> How?
<MurderMachine> The story my Mum tells is: A group of idiots pushed her over while ice skating and my Dad heroically went over and helped her up.
<MurderMachine> The story my Dad tells is: He paid a group of idiots to go push her over so he could go heroically help her up.
<DryBones> ROFL
<MurderMachine> I have been paid not to tell her.
#28804 (1023/1169) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<danamania> yay I fixed my laptops battery!
<danamania> it was so dead, nothing would charge it
<danamania> so I gave it the electronic equivalent of a kick in the head, by shorting the +/- terminals for 5 minutes
<gelfie> don't they have stickers on them that say they could explode or catch fire by doing that?
<danamania> yeah but it's ok, I took them off first.
#309905 (153/171) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Science> Quite frankly I'm kinda sick of the cats
<Science> Picture of cats have exactly zero appeal to me. So seeing half a channel go "No One Cares. At All CATS" is pretty annoying.
<Science> This channel isn't about looking at fucking cats
-!- Randall changed the topic of #xkcd to: This channel is about looking at fucking cats.
<Science> Ok now it's about cats
<Science> Carry on
#86239 (743/847) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Bricker> Hey natpen, we�re trying to come up with some nicknames for Jennings, did you have any?
<natpen> Well, one time we were about to have sex and he was too drunk to get it up. So we laid there awhile and it was pretty awkward. Then, he stood up on the bed with the covers wrapped around his shoulders like a cape, and screamed �I�M BATMAN�. I almost shit myself.
<Bricker> Holy shit, are you fucking serious? Please tell me you�re making that up.
<natpen> No, I�m not. The weird thing is, after he got into the role, he finally got it up, and it was the best sex of my life. So I usually call him batman.
#95752 (2590/2982) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<mongrethod> the highschool journalism website i run gets 50k hits monthly
<mongrethod> and I was really happy about that
<mongrethod> until I looked at our search keyphrase hits
<mongrethod> top category that wasn't "other"
<mongrethod> "Paly Boy"
<mongrethod> My school is named paly
<mongrethod> so I was thinking
<mongrethod> hmm thats odd
<mongrethod> then it hit me
<mongrethod> rearrange the a and the l
<mongrethod> I haven't had the heart to tell my staff
#309588 (93/103) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
< Dan39> does anyone else get annoyed by stuff that seems too highly abstracted... :|
< _habnabit> Dan39, like your question?
Comment: #python
#296856 (1994/2290) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Uuxaul> So I was on this "free resume" builder website last night. So I'm going through building my resume. Get to the end thinking, awesome! almost done. Shows me a preview embedded with Javascript so I can't click the page, and asks me to pay 14.95 for the "actual copy". So I'm like... WELL FUCK YOU. So I save the web page, delete the java bullshit, open it up in firefox, pull up the source after editing it in kate, copy and paste it to open office set it to recognize HTML tags... And PRINTED MY GOD DAMNED RESUME
<Uuxaul> It was just slightly annoying because I spent an hour on this site making everything perfect, and it even advertised free resume construction with an upgrade option you could pay for...
<Raine Sabaal> Hahahahaha!
<Raine Sabaal> You should add that to your resume.
<Uuxaul> Skills: Capable of bypassing Pay-To-Print resume builders.
#102697 (2042/2354) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Rowan> gonna go to the store when it opens and buy some caffiene/caffeine
<&segosa> caffeine.
<Kotjze> i before e except in a lot of words
<&segosa> or you could just know how to spell words and not require stupid rules
<Kotjze> exactly
<Rowan> i dont think ive spelled that word much
<Rowan> and i keep running into words that ARENT I before E
<Rowan> like weird, atheist, broom
<Kotjze> broom?
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