|#311097 (198/218) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<photo> i poured my root beer into a square cup and now all i have is beer. please advise.
|#85719 (880/984) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
< Alkivar> we're on our way back from partying in NYC over the weekend ... it was like sunday afternoon we're headed back west
< Alkivar> we're cruisin... maybe 130-140mph
< Alkivar> flew past a trooper on the side of the road
< Alkivar> trooper lights up ... siren blasting ... chasing us down the highway
< Alkivar> we're both like should we stop ... there's no way he can catch up to us
< Alkivar> we decided to be good and stop
< Alkivar> cop catches up to us ... comes out gun drawn ... pissed as hell
< Alkivar> walks up to the side of the car and goes
< Alkivar> "SON CAN I SEE YOUR PILOT'S LICENSE"
< Alkivar> Jason pulls out his fucking pilot's license
< Alkivar> cop's jaw hits the fucking ground
< Alkivar> most stunned face I've ever fucking seen
< Alkivar> in this practically a whimper goes "get the fuck out of here"
< Alkivar> no ticket... too embarassed apparently
< Alkivar> I'll never forget that day long as I live
< Alkivar> I was sure we were goin to jail
|#139795 (2833/3197) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
[+Tarball] ITT: Movie titles that described your first sexual experience.
[+Tarball] THERE WILL BE BLOOD
[+Tarball] Gone in 60 seconds
[+Hatty] SNAKES ON A PLANE
[TheWickerMan] quiet down Hatty
[TheWickerMan] why don't you try HOME ALONE
|#76863 (2633/2973) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<Painezor> So I had to hand in this essay the other day
<Painezor> the topic was "The effect of the internet on society"
<Painezor> so I just handed in "I was going to do the essay, then I discovered the internet had porn" on a sheet of A4.
<Painezor> Long story short I don't have to do any more essays.
|#310413 (73/79) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
(aaaaaaaaa) I know people at work that actually store files in the recycle bin. As in, they store files they plan to use in the future there. IT had to stop deleting files from it because of people's work was getting lost and had to be restored from the backups.
|#297712 (1026/1152) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
[Talaxia] you fucking nerd
[Fugue] no room to talk, hypocrite
[Arilla] You just called someone a nerd, at 3 in the morning, on a video game, on a character named after a planet from star trek.
Talaxia has gone offline.
|#35319 (4211/4755) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<mindstorms> investment Advice:
<mindstorms> If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
<mindstorms> With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
<mindstorms> With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
<mindstorms> But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling price, you would have $214.00.
<mindstorms> Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
<mindstorms> It's called the 401-Keg Plan
|#302079 (1483/1669) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<+Toujiron> Probably best day.
<%Misty> What happened?
<+Toujiron> I have this felt super mushroom hat, right?
<+Toujiron> I wore it out today because I'm ridiculous
<+Toujiron> My roommate left his work boots at home and called me to ask me to bring them to him at work, because he wouldn't have time after class.
<+Toujiron> So on my way there, I go through an intersection I usually don't because I don't have a reason to go near there, and the setting sun is in my eyes, so I have no idea that there's a stop sign there.
<+Toujiron> I am immediately pulled over by a city patrol car.
<+Toujiron> The cop walks up to my window, looks at me, my hat, and listens to my speakers for a second which are playing a rainbow road remix.
<%Misty> Please tell me he broke down laughing
<+Toujiron> Without even asking me for my ID, he leans in and says, "Son, when there's a stop sign in front of you, you have to stop hitting the golden mushroom. I know it'll disappear, but it's the law, alright?"
<%Misty> Oh that's even better
<+Toujiron> Before I could even answer that he told me to drive safe and walked away.
<+Toujiron> I have never been so entertained to be caught breaking laws.
<+WingedBeaux> my wife just loled at that story tou
<+WingedBeaux> is there an opposite to f my life? cause that would be it right there
|#80430 (1455/1641) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<Rocky> awesome! script done
<Rocky> simple but useful know what i mean?
<Rocky> if you type !song, you can view what i'm listening to
<Rocky> try it
<Rocky> oh shit wait
* Rocky is dancing to brazilian gal fucks horse MUST-SEE awesome porn slut rape bitch bestiality hot porno jpg mpg mpeg jpeg great scat whore [53:24m/371Kbps/44KHz]
* Quits: Rocky (firstname.lastname@example.orgD6CA4AC.718E664C.IP) (Quit: )Comment: irc.cheatlist.com #warez
|#308036 (285/317) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<nupanick> What part of the day do you most associate with masturbation?
|#65605 (963/1083) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<Burningmace> I had a customer in hysterics today at work
<+KPR> how come?
<Burningmace> Well, we sell lots of things that have different types, so sometimes you can buy assorted packs
<Burningmace> He was buying some flavoured condoms... assorted ones, so the computer automatically prepends "Assorted" to the start of it
<Burningmace> So I put it through and hand him the reciept and he checks it and starts laughing
<Burningmace> I took a look at the reciept, and because the line didn't fit on the paper, it'd truncated the first word.
<Burningmace> So he'd bought some Ass Flavoured Condoms.Comment: It's a laugh a minute at Lidl
|#308836 (72/78) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<aydiosmio> I don't anticipate the world moving away from keyboards any time soon for the sake of productivity
<nydel> aydiosmio: i think the world will split into people who use touch-screens & people who have shit to doComment: #2600 on irc.2600.net
|#73364 (2860/3238) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<titan-x> hey everybody
<Lowkey> hey john, where the fuck you been?!
<titan-x> i was in a wreck in my friends car. snow and ford explorers do not go well together
<Lowkey> holy shit
<titan-x> i got alot of morphine though
<titan-x> apparently the first night they had me on the drip i managed to wriggle out of the restraints i had on because they noticed me acting weird after they put me on the morphine
<titan-x> according to the nurse i spoke to, and accounts from my wife after she woke up, i was running up and down the halls, with the morphine IV still attached and the bag dragging behind me
<titan-x> and as this was going on, she tells me i was yelling this:
<titan-x> "THE COMMUNISTS HAVE CONTROL OF GRAND CENTRAL STATION AND THEY WILL BRING THE COMMIE TRAINS TO TOWN! WE MUST WARN THE MAYOR CHOO CHOO"
<titan-x> that was kindof my reaction when she told me. i really cannot put my finger on that one.
|#60621 (8654/9848) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<Knightmare> Well that was obvious.
<Knightmare> Guy in a cubicle a couple feet away from me stands up and asks aloud if anyone has a Starcraft CD Key.
<Tuborg> I'm guessing he got a good talking to by your manager?
<Knightmare> The floor supervisor told him where to download a no-cd crack.
<Tuborg> Can I fax you my resume?
|#309986 (138/152) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
< Arelon> For example here in Beijing the pedestrian is never at fault if the other person was driving a motor vehicle
< Arelon> Even if the accident was the pedestrian's fault
<@Matthew> is that why the tanks didnt run that tianamen square guy over
|#299795 (2001/2271) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<popemichael> I was in line to buy a new DVD player. The woman in front of me was having something delivered.
<popemichael> The clerk asked for her 'street name' she replied "I don't have one I go by Shanice."
|#56901 (16101/18375) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<glowsun> I heard about this guy who broke into a lion's den at the zoo
<glowsun> and got mauled
<glowsun> and people were talking about how there should have been better defenses put up to prevent people getting into the cage
<glowsun> a friend of mine suggested setting up some kind of deterrent
<glowsun> for example, putting some sort of fierce animal in the cage, which would attack anybody who climbed in
|#310231 (135/149) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
Maidenhelos> There are few times in life when "Oh shit" is more appropriate than when you accidentally find the septic tank by falling into it...
Maidenhelos> On a completely "unrelated" note guess what I did today
|#300792 (1023/1155) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<SterlingSilver> We got our report cards back last week. I'm not so great in school, so I did a D in one class. But I was totally okay with this when I realized that with the S (satisfactory) in chorus and the S in study hall, the first 6 grades on my report card spell "BADASS."
|#308806 (377/423) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<powersurge> god dammit
<powersurge> I go to dairy queen so often that google is asking me to set it as my work
<powersurge> stop judging me, google
|#309588 (101/111) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
< Dan39> does anyone else get annoyed by stuff that seems too highly abstracted... :|
< _habnabit> Dan39, like your question?Comment: #python
|#143464 (870/984) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<[DD]Earl> the age of consent in england was set around 1890..
<[DD]Myxlplk> That's way too high
|#136814 (2629/2995) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<thefiddler> Holy sonofabitch.
<thefiddler> I think my editor is flirting with me.
* thefiddler frowns
<Uhmerwell> oh, you mean a human
<Uhmerwell> don't you :<
|#308345 (243/271) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<eli> lesson learned: rm ** does not just remove all files that end with * :/
|#76413 (2626/2992) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
< Swuave> Scopophobia is a fear of being looked at.
< Swuave> LOL, i'de like to see someone with that fear.
<@SantaBJ> they wouldn't.
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