|#297776 (1794/2008) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<DevXen> seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
|#116288 (953/1063) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<Cyan> Some dude tried to break in last night at like 2am, but I was on the comp and it's like right beside the window so I heard the faggot.
<Cyan> Anyways, I grabbed the folding chair and as soon as he was like halfway through I beat the fucking shit out of him.
<Cyan> So he's laying here unconscious and I call the cops. Once they get here, they search him and look at what he fucking had:
<Cyan> 8 track tape (unlabeled), Flashlight (no batteries), Half eaten box of Fig Newtons, Measuring tape, Instructions to "Monopoly."
<dan> Dude, you fucking killed McGuyver!
|#309885 (133/145) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<BlackMoon> this is why ICANN has never given a single fuck about international chars in domain names
<BlackMoon> because to them, you can't even type those things on a keyboard.
<BlackMoon> Infact im going to wager that you should start a warez/movie site in the USA
<BlackMoon> comprised of international characters
<BlackMoon> Nobody in the USA will ever be able to visit them. definately not the FBI
<BlackMoon> MPAA: "hey fbi you need to go taken this site, its like, swiggly u fancy M then an A with a swiggly hat on it"
<BlackMoon> FBI: "Uh, apparently it already has been taken down, we can't connect to UMA.com, we have no idea what your talking about swiggly hats"
|#310205 (187/205) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<kmc> the other day I bought a recycling can from amazon
<kmc> it came in a cardboard box
<kmc> i took the can out of the box, broke down the box, and put it in the can
<kmc> it was amazing
|#297667 (2008/2246) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<Khassaki> HI EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!
<Judge-Mental> try pressing the the Caps Lock key
<Khassaki> O THANKS!!! ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO WRITE NOW!!!!!!!
<Judge-Mental> fuck me
|#31946 (973/1085) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<Melissa> What in the world was I thinking when I became a mother?
<JohnFlux> Melissa: "oh god, yes yes yes" ?
|#301010 (1038/1158) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<Vivisector> I kind of lol'd when the Tibetan restaurant closed down and turned into a Chinese restaurant
|#308960 (424/470) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<tomatosalad> it is 54 degrees in this house
<tomatosalad> I am so damn cold
<Bubonicfred> whats that in C?
<Palomides> Bubonicfred: printf("it is 54 degrees in this house");
|#310576 (56/60) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<@kitchen> I logged into yahoo account after probably 100 years of not. got email "unexpected login attempt" even yahoo wasn't expecting me to ever log in again
|#295480 (1670/1870) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<@Tenor> 'Today, my mom found a condom in my pocket while doing my laundry. Instead of having the subsequent discussion about the birds and the bees my mother simply asked "Who would have sex with you?" FML'
<@Tenor> I'm going to be that type of parent
<@hsimah> who would have sex with you?
|#307521 (385/427) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<UmlautBanana> do we have a y/n bot in here
<UmlautBanana> ...wait what
|#73141 (1276/1428) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
jaymouse: friend's kid
jaymouse: little kid
jaymouse: he was scribbling on this paper, and I was just sitting there watching him
jaymouse: well I was bored so I join him, just scribbling random shit
jaymouse: he looks at me like I'M the idiot
jaymouse: I'm like wtf
jaymouse: ...he was writing in fucking arabic
|#297725 (1201/1345) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<CShadowRun> windows keeps telling me i might be a victim of software counterfeiting :(
<CShadowRun> i don't think of myself as a victim, more of a benificiary
|#309047 (196/216) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<Erasmus> Just cracked my genuine copy of Windows that kept complaining at me that it was non-Genuine. So now it's non-Genuine but at least it thinks it is again.
|#308135 (248/274) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
sammy: Okay..being a mod is like playing Sims because you have all this power...you create a world for your people...you try to make it safe...happy...you monitor it to stop problems...you check their needs and try to meet them...but no matter what you do, sooner or later people are going to stand around waving their arms and yelling illegibly about something you've done wrong.
<TheBeeSingsWithMalice> And then you start herding them into the pool and taking out the ladders...
|#140216 (1397/1567) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<Pit> I take off your shirt
<Pit> undressing you slowly
<Pit> you're a girl, right?
<dest> no :|
<Pit> I put on your shirt
<Pit> and leave
|#139795 (2822/3184) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
[+Tarball] ITT: Movie titles that described your first sexual experience.
[+Tarball] THERE WILL BE BLOOD
[+Tarball] Gone in 60 seconds
[+Hatty] SNAKES ON A PLANE
[TheWickerMan] quiet down Hatty
[TheWickerMan] why don't you try HOME ALONE
|#307916 (404/450) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<@Sebas> Apparently I tried to go to sleep with my feet on the pillow because "then they'd get to be comfortable for a change, too"
<@Sebas> And when the girlfriend told me I'd suffocate then, I told her "No, because I'm James Bond"
<@Sebas> Which I later explained, after they told me this, was because James Bond is an under-cover agent.
<@Sebas> So obviously he wouldn't suffocate under the blankets.
<@Sebas> EVEN WHEN I'M SHITFACED OUT OF MY MIND, I MAKE TERRIBLE PUNS
|#85719 (863/967) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
< Alkivar> we're on our way back from partying in NYC over the weekend ... it was like sunday afternoon we're headed back west
< Alkivar> we're cruisin... maybe 130-140mph
< Alkivar> flew past a trooper on the side of the road
< Alkivar> trooper lights up ... siren blasting ... chasing us down the highway
< Alkivar> we're both like should we stop ... there's no way he can catch up to us
< Alkivar> we decided to be good and stop
< Alkivar> cop catches up to us ... comes out gun drawn ... pissed as hell
< Alkivar> walks up to the side of the car and goes
< Alkivar> "SON CAN I SEE YOUR PILOT'S LICENSE"
< Alkivar> Jason pulls out his fucking pilot's license
< Alkivar> cop's jaw hits the fucking ground
< Alkivar> most stunned face I've ever fucking seen
< Alkivar> in this practically a whimper goes "get the fuck out of here"
< Alkivar> no ticket... too embarassed apparently
< Alkivar> I'll never forget that day long as I live
< Alkivar> I was sure we were goin to jail
|#35319 (4197/4741) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<mindstorms> investment Advice:
<mindstorms> If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
<mindstorms> With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
<mindstorms> With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
<mindstorms> But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling price, you would have $214.00.
<mindstorms> Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
<mindstorms> It's called the 401-Keg Plan
|#302079 (1458/1642) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<+Toujiron> Probably best day.
<%Misty> What happened?
<+Toujiron> I have this felt super mushroom hat, right?
<+Toujiron> I wore it out today because I'm ridiculous
<+Toujiron> My roommate left his work boots at home and called me to ask me to bring them to him at work, because he wouldn't have time after class.
<+Toujiron> So on my way there, I go through an intersection I usually don't because I don't have a reason to go near there, and the setting sun is in my eyes, so I have no idea that there's a stop sign there.
<+Toujiron> I am immediately pulled over by a city patrol car.
<+Toujiron> The cop walks up to my window, looks at me, my hat, and listens to my speakers for a second which are playing a rainbow road remix.
<%Misty> Please tell me he broke down laughing
<+Toujiron> Without even asking me for my ID, he leans in and says, "Son, when there's a stop sign in front of you, you have to stop hitting the golden mushroom. I know it'll disappear, but it's the law, alright?"
<%Misty> Oh that's even better
<+Toujiron> Before I could even answer that he told me to drive safe and walked away.
<+Toujiron> I have never been so entertained to be caught breaking laws.
<+WingedBeaux> my wife just loled at that story tou
<+WingedBeaux> is there an opposite to f my life? cause that would be it right there
|#76863 (2622/2962) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<Painezor> So I had to hand in this essay the other day
<Painezor> the topic was "The effect of the internet on society"
<Painezor> so I just handed in "I was going to do the essay, then I discovered the internet had porn" on a sheet of A4.
<Painezor> Long story short I don't have to do any more essays.
|#65605 (955/1075) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<Burningmace> I had a customer in hysterics today at work
<+KPR> how come?
<Burningmace> Well, we sell lots of things that have different types, so sometimes you can buy assorted packs
<Burningmace> He was buying some flavoured condoms... assorted ones, so the computer automatically prepends "Assorted" to the start of it
<Burningmace> So I put it through and hand him the reciept and he checks it and starts laughing
<Burningmace> I took a look at the reciept, and because the line didn't fit on the paper, it'd truncated the first word.
<Burningmace> So he'd bought some Ass Flavoured Condoms.Comment: It's a laugh a minute at Lidl
|#73364 (2844/3218) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<titan-x> hey everybody
<Lowkey> hey john, where the fuck you been?!
<titan-x> i was in a wreck in my friends car. snow and ford explorers do not go well together
<Lowkey> holy shit
<titan-x> i got alot of morphine though
<titan-x> apparently the first night they had me on the drip i managed to wriggle out of the restraints i had on because they noticed me acting weird after they put me on the morphine
<titan-x> according to the nurse i spoke to, and accounts from my wife after she woke up, i was running up and down the halls, with the morphine IV still attached and the bag dragging behind me
<titan-x> and as this was going on, she tells me i was yelling this:
<titan-x> "THE COMMUNISTS HAVE CONTROL OF GRAND CENTRAL STATION AND THEY WILL BRING THE COMMIE TRAINS TO TOWN! WE MUST WARN THE MAYOR CHOO CHOO"
<titan-x> that was kindof my reaction when she told me. i really cannot put my finger on that one.
|#311255 (53/57) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag |
<Proview> i've got this code that's doing some statistical analysis and its telling me there are 8 days in a week
save page |