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TodayLatestBestTopWorst1337Random<Prev1..31323334353637..599Next> |
#127326 (386/506) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Random> I've wanked 50 times this year.
<Random> My ring finger is sore...
<Kogita> it's the third of January. You need help. |
#308523 (128/164) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<@Treeki> "Final Fantasy 13-2" reminds me of European TV channel names
<@Treeki> Spain has a channel named laSexta (theSixth)
<@Treeki> and laSexta2, and laSexta3
<@Treeki> Britain has the Channel 4 network, which has Channel 4, More4, E4 and Film4
<@Treeki> and timeshifted versions: Channel 4+1, More4+1, E4+1 and Film4+1
<@Treeki> they recently launched a new channel, 4seven
<@Treeki> I'm just waiting for 4seven+1 for maximum confusion |
#304516 (259/337) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Sebas> When I was working as an orderpicker, I had to get some assorted terrycloth towels. "Terrycloth" in Dutch is "badstof", and both that and "assorted" get abbreviated, so on my list it said I needed 5 "bad ass towels". |
#308006 (245/321) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<dr2chase> As I said to someone else, back when the Lite-Brite Mooninites panicked the Boston Police, the first rule of making a bomb, is to not make it look like a bomb.
<dr2chase> That's why IEDs get buried, stuffed into dead dogs, what have you. Around here, if you wanted to hide a bomb in plain sight, you'd stick it in a crumpled Dunkin Donuts bag.
<anony> Isn't a Dunkin Donuts bag the first place a cop would look? |
#176291 (473/623) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Pyro> my desk is complete I think
<Chroder> i cant believe it took you 3 days to build an ikea desk |
#298989 (215/279) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<AlexExtreme> is there any way to make other members of your team not take the powerups on UT single player? ><
<froggey> yes, enable friendly fire and shoot them |
#296919 (375/493) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<dd7> "erics laptop is all elite and shit he has a black console up all the time and he's always typing in these color coded commands i have no idea what he's doing on it"
<dd7> i didnt have the heart to tell dan i was just using a fancy irc theme |
#271579 (506/668) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Sharq> I was at work one day with my fellow temps at an IT job, fairly menial work for someone in IT, such as OS upgrades on old hardware...
<Sharq> Anyways, one day we were discussing our wages, considering the fact that they probably knew we were accomplishing dick-all in our hole in the wall while roaming the internet unmonitored using our admin privileges.
<Sharq> That's when I thoughtfully declared that they were not in fact paying us for our work. I pointed out that we worked with no supervision, limited accountability and no job security (we were done working there as soon as the project's time-table finished).
<Sharq> With this in mind I argued this point while gesticulating wildly at a pile of over a hundred freshly unpacked and reformatted laptops worth over $200,000...
<Sharq> They were in fact just bribing us not to steal shit. |
#304098 (363/479) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<@Eltu> "The main idea of "Inception": if you run a VM inside a VM inside a VM inside a VM, everything will be very slow" |
#304196 (358/470) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
Panucci : Guess what my geek wife said when we were on bed last night?
Magicpork: HTTP 411, HTTP 417, HTTP 403? |
#203271 (2543/3413) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Croc> Okay well I got this new girl home
<Croc> One thing led to another and you know
<Croc> well in the awkward moment after sex
<Croc> but before anything else happened yet
<Croc> I had the strangest impulse
<Croc> I took some left over cum and smothered it on her forehead and said "Simba..." |
#142941 (477/631) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<mgregory> Setting IE to 'secure' is a lot like putting on your seatbelt in a crashing plane |
#309716 (104/132) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<LAMMJohnson> So here's my point;
<MarisaKirisame> that's a semicolonComment: #/g/sicp on irc.rizon.net
|
#154996 (323/423) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<sungo> I love resumes.
<sungo> Folks, fucking proofread your resumes.
<sungo> This guy has been a web developer since Aug 2997
<cat-xeger> sungo - novel...
<drforr> I didn't know they will have had web in 2997...
<sungo> if we still have php in 2997, I'm setting off the nukes RIGHT NOW |
#43336 (376/494) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<R3mix> once i asked a g33ky chick for her number
<R3mix> and she gave me an IP
<R3mix> it turned out to be the IP for the goatse server :( |
#31893 (477/629) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<HiddenGenius> dude, my microwave just cooked a frozen hot pocket in like 40 seconds
<HiddenGenius> my mom is freaking out, she made us take the microwave outside and now she's making us get tested for cancer
<HiddenGenius> I can't stop laughing |
#12475 (361/474) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<flee> my favorite people to talk to on the phone are those
<flee> that are self-absorbed enough that all I have to do
<flee> is say "yup" and laugh at appropriate intervals.
<flee> it's only annoying when I don't know how to detach.
<flee> I should write a program that will say "yup" and
<flee> laugh for me.
<flee> of course, I can't tell anyone this.
<mrg> yup!
<mrg> hahahah |
#24382 (435/575) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Zone-MR> Nope, but my gayfever is killing me
<Zone-MR> OMFG, Damn. Why did the QUERTY designer have to place the 'G' next to the 'H' :'( |
#300220 (558/740) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<BubbaTheLoveSponge> more facial hair talk: tom
<SpaceGeostrategy> Tom's facial hair is basically the reverse Hitler
<@strifeheart> my head nearly exploded when I saw his beard for the first time
<SpaceGeostrategy> he has facial hair everywhere Hitler didn't
<BubbaTheLoveSponge> whats he doing these days
<SpaceGeostrategy> perhaps he is creating 6 million Jews |
#115706 (253/331) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
* scalpod shakes his head in cornfusion
<Phinny> cornfusion? Is that like being caught in a maize?
<Asquire> corn fusion? is that like ethanol? |
#144222 (307/403) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<tarepanda> My parents lived in a village called Scotland.
<tarepanda> So they named me... Scott.
<tarepanda> I endured so much teasing for so many years.
<tarepanda> Scott from Scotland went to Scotland Elementary... and our mascot was the Scotland Scottie.
<LightFang> did you let them get off...scot-free? |
#83745 (389/513) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<InkyGhost> So, I work for a college, managing one of their labs. The college had problems with people abusing the printers, so they switched to a "pay-per-page" system.
<InkyGhost> Our printer, however, is free and unmetered, but for Computer Science stuff only.
<InkyGhost> We've turned a blind eye to people printing off reports and whatnot, but lately someone's been abusing it. So, we're locking down the printer a little more.
<InkyGhost> What broke the camels back was some student repeatedly printing out this 30 page excerpt called "The History of Judaism" 4-5 times a day for 2 days.
<Morigann> So, when the students complain, you'll just tell them to blame the jews?
<InkyGhost> If it would not get me so incredibly fired, that would be the notice on the printer. |
#304158 (223/293) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<welandB> God dammit.
<welandB> I went to the Renaissance Festival and hit it off with a girl so I tore off a piece of paper from the map and wrote down my number for her.
<welandB> So my friend tears off more pieces and writes down "Call Nate for gay sucking and fucking" with my phone number.
<welandB> And starts handing them out.
<welandB> So I take them away from him and stuff them in my pocket.
<welandB> My cat just dragged one right to my mom.
<welandB> We just had a sit-down talk where I had to clarify that I am not soliciting sex from strange men. |
#287935 (530/702) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
< liat> OH MY GOD
< liat> IT'S GONE TOO FAR
< liat> I just got slipped a card at work when I wasn't looking.
< liat> It's one that you can self-record.
< liat> I didn't want to open it, I had this feeling.
< liat> I did against my will.
< liat> I got rickrolled, by a god damn CARD.
< liat> NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP.. |
#297172 (475/627) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<foxygrl> so me and my girlfriend were thinking of coming out together, to each others' parents
<hulachick> wait, marissa?
<foxygrl> kristen??
<foxygrl> holy shit i didn't even realize it...
<hulachick> yeah, weird isn't it...
<foxygrl> ......
<foxygrl> ...wanna cyber? |
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