|#297192 (1072/1180) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<aestetix> This is more of a good birthday present idea which lead to my mate getting dumped by his GF.
<aestetix> She couldn't afford buying him a bday present, so she gave him a bunch of slips for meals, massages, blowjobs etc.
<aestetix> She dumped him because for weeks he'd pull out a blowjob slip everytime they'd have an argument.
|#299054 (1679/1859) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<Aforwolf> COME HERE
<Aforwolf> I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING FANTASTIC
<Aforwolf> if we speak in a code
<Aforwolf> where we change every letter to the next letter of the alphabet
<Aforwolf> anna becomes
<kinganna> I think we should stop being friends.
|#297794 (1321/1459) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<XenThra> I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
<DevXen> Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
|#55637 (1426/1576) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<Immortal> Yesterday my dad was yelling at me and said, "You're going to respect your mother you son of a bitch."
<Immortal> Then he hit me for laughing.
|#235864 (926/1022) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<Tom> here's a tip, you can't substitute a washing machine for a dish washer
<Tom> can you hear the noise from up the street?
<Ben> no... which way around did you mix them up?
<Tom> I tried cutlery in the washing machine. it's scratching the door up
<Ben> !!!!!! are you insane?
<Ben> knives at 1200RPM
<Tom> it won't be 1200RPM
<Ben> it will when it gets to the spin cycle
|#141669 (2278/2522) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
(@Gunrun) Pringles are clever
(@Gunrun) they're like... self regulating
(@Gunrun) if you can't fit your hand into the tube to get more
(@Gunrun) then you probably shouldn't be getting more anyway
|#64104 (1820/2016) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<pipo> ... kids these days ...
<pipo> just came from the strangest conversation with my little sister
<pipo> she's reading the comics
<pipo> and she asks me
<pipo> "hey what's 'friendship-with-benefits?'"
<pipo> so I give the big brother response
<pipo> "it's a physical relationship, without any commitment"
<pipo> mind you, she's 11 and I don't want to get into much detail with my sis
<pipo> anyway she was quiet for a moment
<pipo> and then she goes
<pipo> "ok so like f***buddies then?"
<niccolo> dude wtf
|#309885 (146/158) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<BlackMoon> this is why ICANN has never given a single fuck about international chars in domain names
<BlackMoon> because to them, you can't even type those things on a keyboard.
<BlackMoon> Infact im going to wager that you should start a warez/movie site in the USA
<BlackMoon> comprised of international characters
<BlackMoon> Nobody in the USA will ever be able to visit them. definately not the FBI
<BlackMoon> MPAA: "hey fbi you need to go taken this site, its like, swiggly u fancy M then an A with a swiggly hat on it"
<BlackMoon> FBI: "Uh, apparently it already has been taken down, we can't connect to UMA.com, we have no idea what your talking about swiggly hats"
|#301224 (1359/1503) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<Arang> I hate when I have to turn off a computer by holding the power button
<Arang> it just feels way too visceral
<Arang> like I'm holding a pillow over its head
<Arang> "ARANG WHYYYGHGHGHBLGBHGBL"
<Arang> "mfff mfffffff"
<Fax> *windows sound*
|#310474 (108/116) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<TheHackOps> I thought i was paranoid because I encrypt all my business emails
<TheHackOps> Get a letter from ISP asking why i am doing it
<TheHackOps> So yep
<TheHackOps> Some desert island is looking pretty good guysComment: irc.freenode.net ##security
|#116245 (3073/3415) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<Trinexx> Holy crap that was awkward...
<Trinexx> neighbour of mine called and asked me to attend a surprise party she was throwing for her husband
<Trinexx> About 30 minutes after he showed up, she announced to him and the rest of us that she was pregnant.
<Trinexx> Mike says "Honey, I've been meaning to tell you, but..."
<Trinexx> "I'm sterile."
<Trinexx> I grabbed my coat and left.
|#249451 (1174/1300) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
Tim333: You sound like a real winner
rockstar111: is that a good thing
Tim333: Have you ever heard of "sarcasm" or "irony", rockstar?
Tim333: Wow. It must be nice to be invulnerable to insult by means of incomprehension.
rockstar111: what the hell r u talking about
|#61358 (885/977) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
< withnail> i read a true story in a book today, cracked me up. these guys are on a picket line for striking dock workers or something, and they have a snowman there with a toy cops helmet on and a frown made of stones there. anyway, a senior police officer in his range rover drives past and calls over some of the policemen supervising the picket asking about the snowman and saying he wanted it gone (what a dick) the other police said "well we feel a bit silly kicking down their snowman" so the top brass guy goes "fine! i'll do it myself!" and drives into the snowman......what he didn't know was
< withnail> that it was built over a concrete bollard. wrecked seven shades of shit out of his car
|#311255 (87/93) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<Proview> i've got this code that's doing some statistical analysis and its telling me there are 8 days in a week
|#310233 (165/179) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<Flashtek> I hate it when someone burns bread when I'm plugging in PC hardware for the first timeComment: #gentoo
|#289253 (2138/2374) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<@matja> christ that made me jump. just rebooted my pc with new overclock settings and the neighbour fires up a hammer drill the other side of the wall
|#122104 (3157/3509) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
Far2Paranoid: Knew this guy in HS
Far2Paranoid: Built a box with 2x 350Mhz Pentium2, back in '98
Far2Paranoid: The trick was, filled his bathtub w/ glycerin
Far2Paranoid: Took apart a mini-fridge and used the coils to cool the glycerin to ~40F
Far2Paranoid: Then sunk the box so he could OC the CPUs to 1.3Ghz
Far2Paranoid: Coolest shit I've ever seen.
AlbinoChpmnk: If this was sitting in his tub, how did he shower?
Far2Paranoid: After what I just said, what makes you think he showered?
|#188970 (1835/2039) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<G-Flex> I was stealing wifi once and got into the people's router and I just like
<G-Flex> wound up upgrading their firmware
|#296831 (1363/1517) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<Paradox> apparently some douchebag went to harrass the gay club on campus
<Paradox> and mooned them. I don't think that guy thought things through.
|#296866 (1420/1576) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<Pryoidain> I just spazzed on some poor telemarketer, and then orchestrated it to my advantage
<Pryoidain> I picked up my cell phone
<Pryoidain> he said something about vacuumes
<Pryoidain> and I just made this series of loud noises
<Pryoidain> then held the phone away from my face, and yelled in my normal voice
<Pryoidain> "JESUS HE'S GOT THE PHONE!"
<Pryoidain> then dropped it and fumbled it a few times
<Pryoidain> then picked it up, and very calmly said
<Pryoidain> "Nathanial Private Mental Services, How may I help you?"
<Pryoidain> I heard a click, and that's the last I think I'll ever hear from them
|#301260 (1911/2123) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<Pryoidain> Speaking of Legend of Zelda, I have a good story from last semester.
<Pryoidain> So I bought one of those Ocarina's from thinkgeek this passing summer. It comes with playing instructions and a bunch of other stuff.
<Pryoidain> Including instructions on how to play songs from zelda.
<Pryoidain> well, I woke up one morning and realized I had a midterm exam in a class I hadn't been to in like three weeks. I figure "I'm gonna fail anyways, so I might as well get a good laugh out of it."
<Pryoidain> So I go in, and the prof picks up the exams and asks if there are any last minute questions before the midterm.
<Pryoidain> and I stand up in class and go "MIDTERM?! NO, THIS CANNOT BE!" and pulled out the ocarina and played the song of time on it.
<Pryoidain> The prof actually had to set the papers down he was laughing so hard. he then gave me a 72 hour extension before I had to take it again.
<Pryoidain> Someone else in class asked for an extension, and the prof proceded to chew them out for asking for more time.
<Gimpy> Oh god, the only thing that could make that any better is if someone yelled "DAWN OF DAY ONE. 72 HOURS REMAIN"
<Pryoidain> Well someone did ask if that was real time or game time. Luckily for me, he said real time...
|#301557 (905/1001) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<oOrEPPiEOo> what's the furthest you've gone, in baseball analogies
<oOrEPPiEOo> with a member of the opposite sex
<inline4chan> I've never left the dugout
<Trolly> i get ESPN
|#296712 (1738/1936) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<Xyzyxx> Random fact, I kinda dislike internet-based communications like irc and forums because while I'm typing my response to something, 13 other people have responded
<so|crates> type faster?
|#52748 (4535/5073) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
<jesterlo1> So back in the day of the modem, when porn was limited to pictures only, I used to go to lots of thumbnail galleries and save the pictures to a folder that I would use a slideshow on afterwards.
<jesterlo1> The great thing about a slideshow is that pressing any key makes it disappear, good for the uninvited guest, know what I mean?
<jesterlo1> Well it turned out that uninvited guest was my father and I was in the middle of a "session" so I quickly press escape and ask him whats up.
<jesterlo1> He looks at me, looks at the screen, I look at the screen, say, "uhhhhhhhhhh", then he mutters something about if there was any email for him and leaves quickly.
<jesterlo1> FUCKING INTERNET EXPLORER HAS "SET AS BACKGROUND" NEXT TO "SAVE IMAGE"
<jesterlo1> And said pic was a huge cock spraying all over this girls face.
<jesterlo1> But because of the dimensions of the pic, all you could see was a huge cock spraying as my background.
<jesterlo1> And that my friends, is why I use Firefox.
|#197259 (2214/2468) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag |
janelle: im janelles sister, im 16
janelle: she's away
datagram: Well hello there
datagram: Are you young and impressionable?
janelle: she warned me about you already
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