|#297794 (1267/1403) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<XenThra> I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
<DevXen> Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
|#235864 (905/1001) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<Tom> here's a tip, you can't substitute a washing machine for a dish washer
<Tom> can you hear the noise from up the street?
<Ben> no... which way around did you mix them up?
<Tom> I tried cutlery in the washing machine. it's scratching the door up
<Ben> !!!!!! are you insane?
<Ben> knives at 1200RPM
<Tom> it won't be 1200RPM
<Ben> it will when it gets to the spin cycle
|#301224 (1292/1432) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<Arang> I hate when I have to turn off a computer by holding the power button
<Arang> it just feels way too visceral
<Arang> like I'm holding a pillow over its head
<Arang> "ARANG WHYYYGHGHGHBLGBHGBL"
<Arang> "mfff mfffffff"
<Fax> *windows sound*
|#305330 (1450/1606) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<Hadley> PONY WANNA SEE MY DICK
<Pony> no, hadley. I am strictly in the vagina business
<Hadley> Pony: you should consider expanding your market! i have some brochures about the penis market, if you'd like
<Pony> why have more penis if you already have one yourself
<Pony> it's like buying a second iphone. it's pointless and not usefull
<Hadley> Pony: like the iphone, a penis lacks multitasking, which is where investing in multiples comes in handy
<Pony> then it's still overkill, hadley. the second one should be an ipad or ipod in that case
<Hadley> Pony: so... if i get the analogy correctly... you're only interested in a penis if it's twice as big as your current one?
<Hadley> THEN HAVE I GOT GREAT NEWS FOR YOU
|#289253 (2111/2343) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<@matja> christ that made me jump. just rebooted my pc with new overclock settings and the neighbour fires up a hammer drill the other side of the wall
|#301557 (879/971) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<oOrEPPiEOo> what's the furthest you've gone, in baseball analogies
<oOrEPPiEOo> with a member of the opposite sex
<inline4chan> I've never left the dugout
<Trolly> i get ESPN
|#122104 (3120/3470) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
Far2Paranoid: Knew this guy in HS
Far2Paranoid: Built a box with 2x 350Mhz Pentium2, back in '98
Far2Paranoid: The trick was, filled his bathtub w/ glycerin
Far2Paranoid: Took apart a mini-fridge and used the coils to cool the glycerin to ~40F
Far2Paranoid: Then sunk the box so he could OC the CPUs to 1.3Ghz
Far2Paranoid: Coolest shit I've ever seen.
AlbinoChpmnk: If this was sitting in his tub, how did he shower?
Far2Paranoid: After what I just said, what makes you think he showered?
|#188970 (1805/2005) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<G-Flex> I was stealing wifi once and got into the people's router and I just like
<G-Flex> wound up upgrading their firmware
|#55637 (1374/1524) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<Immortal> Yesterday my dad was yelling at me and said, "You're going to respect your mother you son of a bitch."
<Immortal> Then he hit me for laughing.
|#310172 (200/218) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<Bike> i'm ten pages in to an ethernet-phy manual and i'm pretty sure the internet is impossible
|#61358 (864/956) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
< withnail> i read a true story in a book today, cracked me up. these guys are on a picket line for striking dock workers or something, and they have a snowman there with a toy cops helmet on and a frown made of stones there. anyway, a senior police officer in his range rover drives past and calls over some of the policemen supervising the picket asking about the snowman and saying he wanted it gone (what a dick) the other police said "well we feel a bit silly kicking down their snowman" so the top brass guy goes "fine! i'll do it myself!" and drives into the snowman......what he didn't know was
< withnail> that it was built over a concrete bollard. wrecked seven shades of shit out of his car
|#114096 (2355/2623) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<Timmay> Jeez, my dog and cat were sleeping down by the couch
<Timmay> Dog lets out a hideous fart, cat wakes up, stares at dog, slaps him accross the snout with her paw, and walks off
<Timmay> Sometimes I think my cat has more control over this household than I do :(
|#296712 (1719/1913) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<Xyzyxx> Random fact, I kinda dislike internet-based communications like irc and forums because while I'm typing my response to something, 13 other people have responded
<so|crates> type faster?
|#52748 (4506/5042) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<jesterlo1> So back in the day of the modem, when porn was limited to pictures only, I used to go to lots of thumbnail galleries and save the pictures to a folder that I would use a slideshow on afterwards.
<jesterlo1> The great thing about a slideshow is that pressing any key makes it disappear, good for the uninvited guest, know what I mean?
<jesterlo1> Well it turned out that uninvited guest was my father and I was in the middle of a "session" so I quickly press escape and ask him whats up.
<jesterlo1> He looks at me, looks at the screen, I look at the screen, say, "uhhhhhhhhhh", then he mutters something about if there was any email for him and leaves quickly.
<jesterlo1> FUCKING INTERNET EXPLORER HAS "SET AS BACKGROUND" NEXT TO "SAVE IMAGE"
<jesterlo1> And said pic was a huge cock spraying all over this girls face.
<jesterlo1> But because of the dimensions of the pic, all you could see was a huge cock spraying as my background.
<jesterlo1> And that my friends, is why I use Firefox.
|#249451 (1119/1243) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
Tim333: You sound like a real winner
rockstar111: is that a good thing
Tim333: Have you ever heard of "sarcasm" or "irony", rockstar?
Tim333: Wow. It must be nice to be invulnerable to insult by means of incomprehension.
rockstar111: what the hell r u talking about
|#197259 (2171/2423) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
janelle: im janelles sister, im 16
janelle: she's away
datagram: Well hello there
datagram: Are you young and impressionable?
janelle: she warned me about you already
|#296866 (1369/1523) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<Pryoidain> I just spazzed on some poor telemarketer, and then orchestrated it to my advantage
<Pryoidain> I picked up my cell phone
<Pryoidain> he said something about vacuumes
<Pryoidain> and I just made this series of loud noises
<Pryoidain> then held the phone away from my face, and yelled in my normal voice
<Pryoidain> "JESUS HE'S GOT THE PHONE!"
<Pryoidain> then dropped it and fumbled it a few times
<Pryoidain> then picked it up, and very calmly said
<Pryoidain> "Nathanial Private Mental Services, How may I help you?"
<Pryoidain> I heard a click, and that's the last I think I'll ever hear from them
|#308135 (248/272) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
sammy: Okay..being a mod is like playing Sims because you have all this power...you create a world for your people...you try to make it safe...happy...you monitor it to stop problems...you check their needs and try to meet them...but no matter what you do, sooner or later people are going to stand around waving their arms and yelling illegibly about something you've done wrong.
<TheBeeSingsWithMalice> And then you start herding them into the pool and taking out the ladders...
|#70207 (843/937) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<LycoLoco> My son has a gameboy advance, and he blows on the cartidges when they don't work. The funny thing, is that this was not taught to him. He just did it on instinct, which leads me to believe that this behavior is inherited not learned. It seems that I've blown into so many nintendo cartridges, that it has changed my DNA...
|#218444 (796/884) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<Laxos> I used to work in a musical instrument chain store.
<Laxos> (We specialised in guitars and basses)
<Laxos> There was a guy who worked with me, kinda a geek like me.
<Laxos> After a few months of low sales the business failed.
<Laxos> Half the stores were bought by one firm, and half by another.
<Laxos> Both of them offered to take on all the existing staff, if we wanted it.
<Laxos> I ended up going to one firm, and this other guy went to another.
<Laxos> Somehow, we ended up getting rights to nearly all the existing stock.
<Laxos> Bit of a 'fuck you' to the other firm, really.
<Laxos> When we were putting these basses in the van, I go over to the guy and I'm like 'hey, all your bass are belo--'
<Laxos> I stopped because the guy shot me a look that could have killed a small animal.
|#308836 (58/62) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<aydiosmio> I don't anticipate the world moving away from keyboards any time soon for the sake of productivity
<nydel> aydiosmio: i think the world will split into people who use touch-screens & people who have shit to doComment: #2600 on irc.2600.net
|#308933 (210/230) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<Eule> "cloud" aka "I think I'll put my files on a third-party service with unknown backup, retention, and future pricing policies, and hopefully they won't suddenly charge me too many thousands of dollars to get my own files back."
|#301010 (1036/1154) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<Vivisector> I kind of lol'd when the Tibetan restaurant closed down and turned into a Chinese restaurant
|#297776 (1791/2003) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<DevXen> seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
|#116288 (949/1059) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<Cyan> Some dude tried to break in last night at like 2am, but I was on the comp and it's like right beside the window so I heard the faggot.
<Cyan> Anyways, I grabbed the folding chair and as soon as he was like halfway through I beat the fucking shit out of him.
<Cyan> So he's laying here unconscious and I call the cops. Once they get here, they search him and look at what he fucking had:
<Cyan> 8 track tape (unlabeled), Flashlight (no batteries), Half eaten box of Fig Newtons, Measuring tape, Instructions to "Monopoly."
<dan> Dude, you fucking killed McGuyver!
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