|#305330 (1475/1631) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<Hadley> PONY WANNA SEE MY DICK
<Pony> no, hadley. I am strictly in the vagina business
<Hadley> Pony: you should consider expanding your market! i have some brochures about the penis market, if you'd like
<Pony> why have more penis if you already have one yourself
<Pony> it's like buying a second iphone. it's pointless and not usefull
<Hadley> Pony: like the iphone, a penis lacks multitasking, which is where investing in multiples comes in handy
<Pony> then it's still overkill, hadley. the second one should be an ipad or ipod in that case
<Hadley> Pony: so... if i get the analogy correctly... you're only interested in a penis if it's twice as big as your current one?
<Hadley> THEN HAVE I GOT GREAT NEWS FOR YOU
|#301557 (894/986) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<oOrEPPiEOo> what's the furthest you've gone, in baseball analogies
<oOrEPPiEOo> with a member of the opposite sex
<inline4chan> I've never left the dugout
<Trolly> i get ESPN
|#307731 (355/389) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<Amadiro> RumpledElf, according to that definition, my markov-chain based chatbot spouting random phrases combined from previous messages it recollects from its database is probably more sentient than most actual human IRC users.
<Amadiro> aib, it usually ended up pretty much just spouting out sentences it heard previously to other people at a later point. Additionally I ran some simple regexpes over the output.
<Amadiro> That caused some hilarious conversations like the bot arguing with some guy whether it's "slipknot" or "slipgnot" (replaced all k's with g's)
<Amadiro> aib, we also fed it the bible, all 7 harry potter books, various pornographic novels and Karl Marx' "Das Kapital" later on, with brilliant results.
<aib> add a Hitler biography and you've got an Internet discussion generatorComment: ##email@example.com
|#116245 (3056/3394) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<Trinexx> Holy crap that was awkward...
<Trinexx> neighbour of mine called and asked me to attend a surprise party she was throwing for her husband
<Trinexx> About 30 minutes after he showed up, she announced to him and the rest of us that she was pregnant.
<Trinexx> Mike says "Honey, I've been meaning to tell you, but..."
<Trinexx> "I'm sterile."
<Trinexx> I grabbed my coat and left.
|#299054 (1669/1849) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<Aforwolf> COME HERE
<Aforwolf> I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING FANTASTIC
<Aforwolf> if we speak in a code
<Aforwolf> where we change every letter to the next letter of the alphabet
<Aforwolf> anna becomes
<kinganna> I think we should stop being friends.
|#310576 (62/66) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<@kitchen> I logged into yahoo account after probably 100 years of not. got email "unexpected login attempt" even yahoo wasn't expecting me to ever log in again
|#55637 (1392/1542) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<Immortal> Yesterday my dad was yelling at me and said, "You're going to respect your mother you son of a bitch."
<Immortal> Then he hit me for laughing.
|#235864 (915/1011) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<Tom> here's a tip, you can't substitute a washing machine for a dish washer
<Tom> can you hear the noise from up the street?
<Ben> no... which way around did you mix them up?
<Tom> I tried cutlery in the washing machine. it's scratching the door up
<Ben> !!!!!! are you insane?
<Ben> knives at 1200RPM
<Tom> it won't be 1200RPM
<Ben> it will when it gets to the spin cycle
|#64104 (1810/2006) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<pipo> ... kids these days ...
<pipo> just came from the strangest conversation with my little sister
<pipo> she's reading the comics
<pipo> and she asks me
<pipo> "hey what's 'friendship-with-benefits?'"
<pipo> so I give the big brother response
<pipo> "it's a physical relationship, without any commitment"
<pipo> mind you, she's 11 and I don't want to get into much detail with my sis
<pipo> anyway she was quiet for a moment
<pipo> and then she goes
<pipo> "ok so like f***buddies then?"
<niccolo> dude wtf
|#301224 (1311/1451) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<Arang> I hate when I have to turn off a computer by holding the power button
<Arang> it just feels way too visceral
<Arang> like I'm holding a pillow over its head
<Arang> "ARANG WHYYYGHGHGHBLGBHGBL"
<Arang> "mfff mfffffff"
<Fax> *windows sound*
|#61358 (873/965) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
< withnail> i read a true story in a book today, cracked me up. these guys are on a picket line for striking dock workers or something, and they have a snowman there with a toy cops helmet on and a frown made of stones there. anyway, a senior police officer in his range rover drives past and calls over some of the policemen supervising the picket asking about the snowman and saying he wanted it gone (what a dick) the other police said "well we feel a bit silly kicking down their snowman" so the top brass guy goes "fine! i'll do it myself!" and drives into the snowman......what he didn't know was
< withnail> that it was built over a concrete bollard. wrecked seven shades of shit out of his car
|#308933 (223/243) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<Eule> "cloud" aka "I think I'll put my files on a third-party service with unknown backup, retention, and future pricing policies, and hopefully they won't suddenly charge me too many thousands of dollars to get my own files back."
|#301260 (1907/2115) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<Pryoidain> Speaking of Legend of Zelda, I have a good story from last semester.
<Pryoidain> So I bought one of those Ocarina's from thinkgeek this passing summer. It comes with playing instructions and a bunch of other stuff.
<Pryoidain> Including instructions on how to play songs from zelda.
<Pryoidain> well, I woke up one morning and realized I had a midterm exam in a class I hadn't been to in like three weeks. I figure "I'm gonna fail anyways, so I might as well get a good laugh out of it."
<Pryoidain> So I go in, and the prof picks up the exams and asks if there are any last minute questions before the midterm.
<Pryoidain> and I stand up in class and go "MIDTERM?! NO, THIS CANNOT BE!" and pulled out the ocarina and played the song of time on it.
<Pryoidain> The prof actually had to set the papers down he was laughing so hard. he then gave me a 72 hour extension before I had to take it again.
<Pryoidain> Someone else in class asked for an extension, and the prof proceded to chew them out for asking for more time.
<Gimpy> Oh god, the only thing that could make that any better is if someone yelled "DAWN OF DAY ONE. 72 HOURS REMAIN"
<Pryoidain> Well someone did ask if that was real time or game time. Luckily for me, he said real time...
|#289253 (2124/2360) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<@matja> christ that made me jump. just rebooted my pc with new overclock settings and the neighbour fires up a hammer drill the other side of the wall
|#122104 (3140/3492) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
Far2Paranoid: Knew this guy in HS
Far2Paranoid: Built a box with 2x 350Mhz Pentium2, back in '98
Far2Paranoid: The trick was, filled his bathtub w/ glycerin
Far2Paranoid: Took apart a mini-fridge and used the coils to cool the glycerin to ~40F
Far2Paranoid: Then sunk the box so he could OC the CPUs to 1.3Ghz
Far2Paranoid: Coolest shit I've ever seen.
AlbinoChpmnk: If this was sitting in his tub, how did he shower?
Far2Paranoid: After what I just said, what makes you think he showered?
|#188970 (1814/2016) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<G-Flex> I was stealing wifi once and got into the people's router and I just like
<G-Flex> wound up upgrading their firmware
|#249451 (1139/1263) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
Tim333: You sound like a real winner
rockstar111: is that a good thing
Tim333: Have you ever heard of "sarcasm" or "irony", rockstar?
Tim333: Wow. It must be nice to be invulnerable to insult by means of incomprehension.
rockstar111: what the hell r u talking about
|#296866 (1385/1539) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<Pryoidain> I just spazzed on some poor telemarketer, and then orchestrated it to my advantage
<Pryoidain> I picked up my cell phone
<Pryoidain> he said something about vacuumes
<Pryoidain> and I just made this series of loud noises
<Pryoidain> then held the phone away from my face, and yelled in my normal voice
<Pryoidain> "JESUS HE'S GOT THE PHONE!"
<Pryoidain> then dropped it and fumbled it a few times
<Pryoidain> then picked it up, and very calmly said
<Pryoidain> "Nathanial Private Mental Services, How may I help you?"
<Pryoidain> I heard a click, and that's the last I think I'll ever hear from them
|#296712 (1728/1924) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<Xyzyxx> Random fact, I kinda dislike internet-based communications like irc and forums because while I'm typing my response to something, 13 other people have responded
<so|crates> type faster?
|#52748 (4521/5059) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<jesterlo1> So back in the day of the modem, when porn was limited to pictures only, I used to go to lots of thumbnail galleries and save the pictures to a folder that I would use a slideshow on afterwards.
<jesterlo1> The great thing about a slideshow is that pressing any key makes it disappear, good for the uninvited guest, know what I mean?
<jesterlo1> Well it turned out that uninvited guest was my father and I was in the middle of a "session" so I quickly press escape and ask him whats up.
<jesterlo1> He looks at me, looks at the screen, I look at the screen, say, "uhhhhhhhhhh", then he mutters something about if there was any email for him and leaves quickly.
<jesterlo1> FUCKING INTERNET EXPLORER HAS "SET AS BACKGROUND" NEXT TO "SAVE IMAGE"
<jesterlo1> And said pic was a huge cock spraying all over this girls face.
<jesterlo1> But because of the dimensions of the pic, all you could see was a huge cock spraying as my background.
<jesterlo1> And that my friends, is why I use Firefox.
|#70207 (857/951) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<LycoLoco> My son has a gameboy advance, and he blows on the cartidges when they don't work. The funny thing, is that this was not taught to him. He just did it on instinct, which leads me to believe that this behavior is inherited not learned. It seems that I've blown into so many nintendo cartridges, that it has changed my DNA...
|#309885 (139/151) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<BlackMoon> this is why ICANN has never given a single fuck about international chars in domain names
<BlackMoon> because to them, you can't even type those things on a keyboard.
<BlackMoon> Infact im going to wager that you should start a warez/movie site in the USA
<BlackMoon> comprised of international characters
<BlackMoon> Nobody in the USA will ever be able to visit them. definately not the FBI
<BlackMoon> MPAA: "hey fbi you need to go taken this site, its like, swiggly u fancy M then an A with a swiggly hat on it"
<BlackMoon> FBI: "Uh, apparently it already has been taken down, we can't connect to UMA.com, we have no idea what your talking about swiggly hats"
|#197259 (2188/2442) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
janelle: im janelles sister, im 16
janelle: she's away
datagram: Well hello there
datagram: Are you young and impressionable?
janelle: she warned me about you already
|#114096 (2362/2634) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<Timmay> Jeez, my dog and cat were sleeping down by the couch
<Timmay> Dog lets out a hideous fart, cat wakes up, stares at dog, slaps him accross the snout with her paw, and walks off
<Timmay> Sometimes I think my cat has more control over this household than I do :(
|#310205 (195/213) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag |
<kmc> the other day I bought a recycling can from amazon
<kmc> it came in a cardboard box
<kmc> i took the can out of the box, broke down the box, and put it in the can
<kmc> it was amazing
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