QDB: Statistically Best Quotes
About / Browse / Latest / Random / Queue / Prefs / Submit Quote / Search

TodayLatestBestTopWorst1337Random<Prev123456..584Next>
#64822 (3642/4006) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
[DAY] Trinexx: I saw the most awesome Windows error today: "A malicious program has attempted to shut down Windows. As a precaution, Windows was shut down."
#62061 (3611/3975) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
Greatgreen: I'm going to fail :(
NumberGuy: think positively
Greatgreen: I'm going to fail :)
#311142 (92/98) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<l0de> oh shit that "walked over my grave" feeling when someone's IRC nickname is your root password
#115317 (1901/2091) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Zemyla> Did I tell you about what my friend Joe did in auto shop?
<Zemyla> He was working with an arc welder, and the welder tip got stuck to the metal.
<Zemyla> He knew this was a bad thing, so he grabs a hammer and hits the metal to get the tip off.
<Zemyla> Then when he pulls back, lightning arcs from the metal to the hammer.
<Zemyla> The teacher notices this, and yells, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
<Zemyla> And Joe bellows, "I AM THOR!", brandishes the hammer, and shocks the fuck out of the guy next to him.
Comment: #cmc on Nightstar
#137652 (1305/1433) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Trinexx> Foster brought a client down to the basement today
<Trinexx> I was wearing that fucking hat they decided to make me wear
<Trinexx> my hair in a ponytail
<Trinexx> this shiteating client sees me, thinks I'm a chick
<Trinexx> says "hey baby, are you having fun?"
<Trinexx> I ignore the asswad
<Trinexx> he walks up behind me, puts his hand on my shoulder, and repeats the question
<Trinexx> I turn around, look him dead in the eye, and say in my deepest voice possible "Yeah honey, now that you're here"
<Trinexx> guy nearly jumped out of his skin
#301278 (973/1067) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<DaynaGirl> I had an app once... it adjusted your volume to full in all regards... then screamed out into the darkness "Hey!!! Look at me!!!  I'm watching PORN over here!!!"
<DaynaGirl> then it kindly returned everything back to normal settings.
<reiser> hahaha DaynaGirl
<zarko> DaynaGirl: i believe i saw such a web site
<zarko> it opened dozens of windows, filled with gay porn, and played that msg repetitively
<zarko> well, it said "GAY porn"
<DaynaGirl> I thought it was so funny... I renamed it "DaynaNude.Exe" and kept a copy on the desktop.
<DaynaGirl> one night at about 2am... I'm awoken to the app playing...
<DaynaGirl> I rush out to my puter to find my mother turning forty shades of purple...
#300794 (2692/2966) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Nub> Can someone explain to me how cells divide?
<K4rli> o
<K4rli> 0
<K4rli> 8
<K4rli> oo
#302132 (1082/1190) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<scgtrp> guys!
<scgtrp> someone make me fall asleep :/
<PhantmShado> ok, once upon a time
<PhantmShado> there was a guy named scgtrp
<PhantmShado> and it was late
<PhantmShado> but he wasn't asleep
<PhantmShado> so he went to irc
<PhantmShado> and was all "guys!  someone make me fall asleep :/"
<PhantmShado> so a guy named PhantmShado said
<PhantmShado> "Once upon a time
<PhantmShado> there was a guy name scgtrp
<PhantmShado> and it was late
* Dritz has kicked PhantmShado (no recursion)
<scgtrp> i was enjoying that story >:(
#68976 (1150/1264) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<iV> close call tonight
<iV> on my way home from work, and this guy comes out of this alley in front of me, then runs towards me and shoves me down on the ground
<iV> he has a pistol in his hand and says "why'd you do it? tell me why i shouldn't fucking kill you right now!"
<iV> then he stops, looks at me and starts laughing...
<iV> he helps me up and he's like "haha sorry man i thought you were this other dude...whew glad i noticed the difference."
<iV> and he goes back into the alley
<iV> seriously..wtf
#296831 (1308/1438) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Paradox> apparently some douchebag went to harrass the gay club on campus
<Paradox> and mooned them.  I don't think that guy thought things through.
#295827 (1396/1536) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<paul> my mom was suspected of child abuse by my pediatrician as a kid
<paul> she swore up and down i wasn't being abused
<paul> the doctor was sceptical
<paul> they went out into the waiting room where I was
<paul> mom was like "paul, come here!"
<paul> I get up, look at her instead of where I was going, and run full tilt into a pole
<paul> doctor's like "sorry maam, you had to see this from my position"
#155550 (3274/3614) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<TEHd> walkin home last night from the bars, reasonably wasted, stumbling everywhere, etc.
<TEHd> cop pulls up alongside me and charlie
<TEHd> says "You boys been drinking tonight?" in a pissed off, you're getting a ticket voice
<TEHd> charlie stares directly in his eyes, waves his hand in front of him and says "these are not the drunks you are looking for, move along"
<TEHd> cop laughs his ass off and drives away
#310234 (111/119) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<@Slime_Master> I hear damn near all of the wildlife in Australia wants to kill humans
<@Slime_Master> even something as cute as Koalas
<@Xenesis> Koalas are gross and mean.
<@Xenesis> Anyone who thinks koalas are cute has never heard them fuck.
<@Slime_Master> O_O
<@Alex_Lykos> .....
<@Slime_Master> I don't think that's an image I need in my head right now
<@Alex_Lykos> as if i would want to know why you watched koalas fuck
<@Xenesis> Watched? No.
<@Xenesis> Heard from hundreds of metres away? Yes.
#300771 (935/1027) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
[Marcus] : So I'm filling out an injury report for one of our stunt men...
[Greta] : Oh no what happened?
[Marcus] : He busted his nose in a stunt no big deal it happens.  But the answers for the questions on the forms...
[Marcus] : How did the employee injure himself: his head was getting pushed into a toilet.
[Marcus] : Would this be a common work place injury: yes
[Marcus] : Statement made by employee: it's ok john, next week I get to hit you with a car
#298212 (992/1090) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
CoJaBo> Tho technicly, if its combusting at a subsonic rate, its called defloration..
RADiX> Thanks, Ill fix it on the way to class :)
! RADiX has quit (Leaving).
CoJaBo> *Deflagration, lol that would have been bad o_O
CoJaBo> uh-oh...
#302899 (871/959) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Pryoidain> What are you trying to hide?
<asaph> Nothing that needs encryption, I just want it to be tricky to find.
<Pryoidain> got a separate /tmp partion?
<asaph> of course.
<Pryoidain> unmount it then copy shit to /tmp. It will actually copy it to the /tmp directory on the ROOT filesystem. then when you remount /tmp, the directory becomes a pointer, pointing to the real one, but without removing any of your files in the physical directory on the root system.
<Pryoidain> No one will ever find them unless /tmp fails to mount, or they're looking for it. even if they're looking for it, they'll see them in /tmp and assume their garbage, that is if you name them right.
<asaph> ...that's fucking genius.
<Pryoidain> I know, I've been hiding my porn under the /boot directory for about 3 years now.
#309152 (172/186) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
TheEnd. : I hate my job, too boring.
JimmyKillsAlot : I hated my last job
JimmyKillsAlot : I worked for this call center for the board of education
JimmyKillsAlot : we managed servers and helped teachers all over the state
JimmyKillsAlot : like teaching approved sites and keeping them certified
TheEnd. : Sounds boring.
JimmyKillsAlot : it was
JimmyKillsAlot : and always buggy, people couldn't register and had to call us
JimmyKillsAlot : and when we made the account the username was based off of first name, last name, and a random number
JimmyKillsAlot : one day this woman calls and we go through the motions to make her an account
JimmyKillsAlot : when the info pops up
JimmyKillsAlot : I had to keep a straight face as I told Irene that her username was IMaho247
JimmyKillsAlot : my boss had to put the lines on hold for 5 min until the laughing stopped
#62116 (1163/1281) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<@Pie> unemployment rocks
<@Commander> you got fired?
<@Pie> long story
<@Commander> well, you're not going anywhere
#297192 (1051/1157) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<aestetix> This is more of a good birthday present idea which lead to my mate getting dumped by his GF.
<aestetix> She couldn't afford buying him a bday present, so she gave him a bunch of slips for meals, massages, blowjobs etc.
<aestetix> She dumped him because for weeks he'd pull out a blowjob slip everytime they'd have an argument.
#299054 (1657/1835) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Aforwolf> ANNA
<Aforwolf> ANNA
<Aforwolf> COME HERE
<Aforwolf> I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING FANTASTIC
<kinganna> ?
<Aforwolf> if we speak in a code
<Aforwolf> where we change every letter to the next letter of the alphabet
<Aforwolf> anna becomes
<Aforwolf> boob
<kinganna> I think we should stop being friends.
#141669 (2256/2498) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
(@Gunrun) Pringles are clever
(@Gunrun) they're like... self regulating
(@Gunrun) if you can't fit your hand into the tube to get more
(@Gunrun) then you probably shouldn't be getting more anyway
#64104 (1798/1992) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<pipo> ...um.
<pipo> ... kids these days ...
<pipo> just came from the strangest conversation with my little sister
<niccolo> ?
<pipo> she's reading the comics
<pipo> and she asks me
<pipo> "hey what's 'friendship-with-benefits?'"
<pipo> so I give the big brother response
<pipo> "it's a physical relationship, without any commitment"
<pipo> mind you, she's 11 and I don't want to get into much detail with my sis
<pipo> anyway she was quiet for a moment
<pipo> and then she goes
<pipo> "ok so like f***buddies then?"
<michelle_113> ...
<niccolo> dude wtf
#301260 (1899/2101) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Pryoidain> Speaking of Legend of Zelda, I have a good story from last semester.
<Gimpy> Oh?
<Pryoidain> So I bought one of those Ocarina's from thinkgeek this passing summer. It comes with playing instructions and a bunch of other stuff.
<Pryoidain> Including instructions on how to play songs from zelda.
<Pryoidain> well, I woke up one morning and realized I had a midterm exam in a class I hadn't been to in like three weeks. I figure "I'm gonna fail anyways, so I might as well get a good laugh out of it."
<Pryoidain> So I go in, and the prof picks up the exams and asks if there are any last minute questions before the midterm.
<Pryoidain> and I stand up in class and go "MIDTERM?! NO, THIS CANNOT BE!" and pulled out the ocarina and played the song of time on it.
<Pryoidain> The prof actually had to set the papers down he was laughing so hard. he then gave me a 72 hour extension before I had to take it again.
<Pryoidain> Someone else in class asked for an extension, and the prof proceded to chew them out for asking for more time.
<Gimpy> Oh god, the only thing that could make that any better is if someone yelled "DAWN OF DAY ONE. 72 HOURS REMAIN"
<Pryoidain> Well someone did ask if that was real time or game time. Luckily for me, he said real time...
#307731 (353/387) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Amadiro> RumpledElf, according to that definition, my markov-chain based chatbot spouting random phrases combined from previous messages it recollects from its database is probably more sentient than most actual human IRC users.
<Amadiro> aib, it usually ended up pretty much just spouting out sentences it heard previously to other people at a later point. Additionally I ran some simple regexpes over the output.
<Amadiro> That caused some hilarious conversations like the bot arguing with some guy whether it's "slipknot" or "slipgnot" (replaced all k's with g's)
<Amadiro> aib, we also fed it the bible, all 7 harry potter books, various pornographic novels and Karl Marx' "Das Kapital" later on, with brilliant results.
<aib> add a Hitler biography and you've got an Internet discussion generator
Comment: ##programming@irc.freenode.net
#116245 (3042/3380) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Trinexx> Holy crap that was awkward...
<Trinexx> neighbour of mine called and asked me to attend a surprise party she was throwing for her husband
<Trinexx> About 30 minutes after he showed up, she announced to him and the rest of us that she was pregnant.
<Trinexx> Mike says "Honey, I've been meaning to tell you, but..."
<Trinexx> "I'm sterile."
<Trinexx> I grabbed my coat and left.
save page | share <Prev123456..584Next>

About / Browse / Latest / Random / Queue / Prefs / Submit Quote / Search
14,519 quotes approved; 9,647 fermenting; karma: 191.2949