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TodayLatestBestTopWorst1337Random<Prev1..147148149150151152153..599Next> |
#55374 (230/414) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Jess_school> I'm about to go watch a girl defend her thesis
<KainX> Of all the things I could watch a girl do, "defend her thesis" isn't at the top of the list. |
#55591 (239/427) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
Mattias: i still say i get a siren and tie it to my belly and get some deeeep pocket pants full of change. Then i walk past a hobo on the street and when he asks me for some spair change i am going to put the siren on and start throwing change at him yelling " YOU WON THE JACKPOT" |
#57074 (308/554) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<hello> my dad was at the mayo clinic and they did some test where they had to put a tube down his throat and they cut him and he started to bleed internally and almost died
<hello> worst clinic ever
<egg> that's why you don't let condiments perform surgery. |
#60285 (359/649) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Bozbozboz> I have chickens
<Bozbozboz> they're cute and fluffy
<Bozbozboz> ickle baby yellow ones
<Diggeh> you mean nuggets?
<Bozbozboz> nuggets are not chicken, fool
<Diggeh> a baby chicken is a nugget
<Garg> Since when?
<Diggeh> i'm sure it is. if a baby chicken isn't a nugget wtf is it?
<lottie_pants> i think it's 'chick'
<Bozbozboz> I thought it was a chick
<Diggeh> then whats a chicken nugget? :/
<Garg> A small nibble made from processed chicken bits?
<Diggeh> ohhh
<Diggeh> fs
<Diggeh> DON'T JUDGE MEComment: He really thought nuggets were baby chickens
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#61592 (304/548) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Khaos> Ok, so I was on a long, boring flight on sunday, ok?
<Khaos> the old lady sitting next to me was joking with the flight attendant, so when the attendant came to get our snack orders, the lady says, "Well, I'd have a nice sirloin."
<Khaos> The flight attendant played along, asking how she wanted that cooked.
<Khaos> As they were talking, I swear that the first thought that popped into my head was "Steak on a plane!"
<Khaos> I actually said this out loud. So now, I have a bruise on my arm from where the guy in the window seat hit me. |
#62020 (217/387) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<&Time> Record Uptime: 13w 1d 8h 47m 15s set on Thu Mar 10 11:08:44 2005
<traxor> wow, time that's really impressive
<traxor> do you show that to girls when they go around to your house? |
#63281 (187/331) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<+syc> a lady having problems burning dvd's
<infralite> infra`: die
<+syc> in her cd-rw
<+syc> she said she keeps putting them in, and it keeps asking for more
<stutter_> syc: do you do support for non-clients of yours?
<+Two9A> huhu
<+syc> i guess nero says 'please insert a disc with enough space blah blah blah'
<+syc> so she she kept putting one after another into the drive
<+syc> until the door wouldn't open anymore |
#69154 (283/509) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Apofisu> Allow me to sing 100 bottles of beer on the wall
<Apofisu> *ahem*
<Apofisu> x = 100;
<Apofisu> while(x > 0) {
<Apofisu> printf("%d bottles of beer on the wall. \n %d bottles of beer. \n Take one down, pass it around. \n %d bottles of beer on the wall.", x, x, x-1);
<Apofisu> x--;
<Apofisu> }
* Apofisu bows |
#232968 (255/457) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Trinexx> I had a hard drive that was rattling like hell once. Me, being stupid with hardware at the time, unscrewed it and booted the computer
<Trinexx> the drive lept out of the drive bay and bounced around in the case.
<Trinexx> Needless to say, I ended up replacing more than just the hard drive -_- |
#295188 (422/766) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Liempt> Wtf?
<Liempt> The wiki article on Iron Maiden is about some stupid band. |
#295266 (266/476) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<shinygerbil> is it basmati, long grain, what
<WolfLord> white!
<WolfLord> white rice!
<daeghnao> There's a zillion kinds of rice.
<WolfLord> white!
<WolfLord> hehe
<shinygerbil> DONT BE SO SUPREMACIST
<WolfLord> THE MASTER RICE |
#299822 (243/435) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<^Migs^> something really weird happened to me last night
<^Migs^> So I'm just sitting up in my room, right? It's about 11:30, I'm on my laptop, and the doorbell rings.
<^Migs^> I'm like, wtf, but figure it must be a neighbor returning my cat or something dumb like that.
<^Migs^> So I answer the door, and this mentally handicapped kid just barges in.
<^Migs^> He's about 13 or so, and he's just frantically looking around. He tells me I have a nice house, wants something to eat, says he returned my cat, then gets distracted by something in the kitchen, all within about 5 seconds. The kid has an attention span of about 3 seconds.
<^Migs^> I actually recognized him from church. He has some sort of palsy, but I couldn't remember his name, so I have no way to contact his parents, and I don't have a clue where he lives.
<^Migs^> Meanwhile, the kid is just tearing through my house, asking me about everything he sees. He offers to clean my family room, turns on my wife's laptop, plays with the baby toys, asks about the Wii...just anything you can imagine.
<Biff> how did he find you?
<^Migs^> I was just the random house he picked.
<^Migs^> It took a lot of convincing and keeping him focused. But finally I get him to call his sister on the phone. He refused to call his mom, because "she was asleep" but I guess his sister was okay.
<^Migs^> So I get his sister on the phone, and get an address from her, and tell them I'll drive him home.
<Biff> he was that far from home that you had to drive him?
<^Migs^> Well, I open the garage door, and try to coax him into my car. He gets all upset over this, and says he'll just go to some other house.
<^Migs^> He was about 6 blocks from home.
<^Migs^> Anyway, he bolts out the door, and starts running down the street. So I get in my car to chase after him.
<^Migs^> Fortunately, the police were out searching the neighborhood for him, too, and they managed to catch him down at the corner, so I didn't have to go very far.
<^Migs^> They called his mom and told her where we were, so we all just hung out and waited. Apparently, it's not the first time he's done this, since the cops knew him quite well.
<^Migs^> The family locks the doors and stuff, but this time he got out through the doggy door.
<^Migs^> Best. Facebook status update. Ever. |
#300584 (239/427) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
Matthew: It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook. We have 11 friends in common. I need new friends. |
#304684 (47/83) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<BrokenHaiku> No but my former neighbours had a lot of sex, which was evident from her yelling. We have pretty thick walls though so often I only hear hear vagely when it's quiet at night...
<BrokenHaiku> And so one night I heard her and it sounded pretty hot so I thought I'd get in on some parallel action so to speak.
<BrokenHaiku> And just when I'm hot and going her screaming gets louder
<BrokenHaiku> And I suddenly realise...it's not her.
<BrokenHaiku> It's her baby crying. |
#307473 (74/124) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Sanzh> wouldn't penis math be cockulus
<TheDeleter> Prickonometry?
<Schazer> dongrivatives?
<Jacquerel> arithmadicks |
#311027 (42/68) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
23:59 <@swight> My daughter just asked why we say "hang up" the phone
Day changed to 31 Dec 2015
00:00 <@swight> and now you should feel oldComment: EFNet
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#311079 (33/53) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<snesbot> Do you think love can bloom even on a battlefield?
<Screwtape> I do not.
<Jistuce> Love can't bloom on a battlefield because love is a battlefield.
<Screwtape> And we can't have nested battlefields, that would be *crazy*.
<Screwtape> What is this, Disgaea?
<Jistuce> Pretty sure it's The Sims. |
#15942 (170/300) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<SamGod> I turn on the faucet to wash my hands, put my hands in the stream of water, and all of a sudden I stop and get TOTALLY grossed out and I'mlike "Oh GROSS, dammit!!" thinking I just got a ton of piss all over my hands. Then I realize it's a freaking FAUCET and water comes out of it, not piss. What the HELL was my brain thinking? |
#16396 (189/335) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<sev0> remember in school?
<sev0> remember the kids upside down stuffed into the garbage can?
<sev0> 20 years later, ircops.
<sev0> do the math |
#17863 (188/333) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<WntBgAsLg> RU people here every night?
<mthw> no sorry this is a 1 time thing
<mthw> channel breaks up by tomorrow
<mthw> we tour irc, go chan to chan |
#18612 (214/380) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<dragondyne> Everdraed: lets play some tetris motherfucker
<`Frieza> DD what version of tetris motherfucker do you have? |
#19199 (238/425) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Phantom> I heard the funniest thing on DBZ today
<Phantom> "Having these balls makes me feel something approaching joy, I think. I want to caress them." --Frieza |
#19894 (235/419) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Surfdog> dood
<Surfdog> my dad was just like "you know its ok to be gay"
<Surfdog> but couldn't keep a straight face |
#26327 (202/358) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<DigDug> deth needs to get in touch with his inner child
<BlackDeth> i tried touching my inner child and he threatened to bring statuatory rape charges against me |
#28797 (189/335) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<poopy> Out of convicted rapists, 57% admitted to reading pornography. 95% admitted to reading the Bible.
<mst_> biblese.cx?Comment: #geekissues
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