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TodayLatestBestTopWorst1337Random<Prev1..41424344454647..599Next> |
#15983 (435/591) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<gig103> I drove by the fire department the other day, and they had a big public awareness sign that read, "Are your house numbers visible?" I thought, "Who the hell cares? How about you just stop at the house that's on fire?!" |
#32455 (462/630) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Bad_CRC> I went to the hospital today, and it's called "olmstead medical group" so the whole place had "OMG OMG OMG" all over it. |
#31827 (402/550) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<niteshade> awww this is shit.
<niteshade> my router's stuck in a routing loop
<Sendai> power cycle
<niteshade> i mean at UPS
<Sendai> Your router runs UPS?
<niteshade> no I mean I ordered it and it's come through oregon, into seattle, back to oregon and into seattle again. I just checked and it's back in oregon. UPS is looping!
<Sendai> lol
<beer> lol. that doesn't bode well
<niteshade> no shit. I ordered it to replace a crappy dlink that kept fucking with my network
<beer> dlink r good
<niteshade> nup this one was going into routing loops
<niteshade> am I in the twilight zone? |
#13876 (435/593) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<@Beramode> nall?
<+Nall> Huh?
<@Beramode> are you outside my apartment?
<@Beramode> it sounds like someone's raping a duck out there, but i don't wanna look, so i had to ask.
<+Nall> ...Are you room 7F?
<@Beramode> maybe..
<@Beramode> are you raping a duck?
<+Nall> maybe.. |
#18436 (392/533) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
* oddjob throws a rubix cube at jitspoe
<jitspoe> ow
* jitspoe looks puzzled |
#17995 (411/560) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<danie2> do you have a gf?
<ieatrocks> hahahahahah
<ieatrocks> wow, thanks for even asking. |
#16712 (337/458) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Deke> living with a Tobin is odd
<Deke> so Cass started cleaning up, since she found out that people're
<Deke> coming over
<Deke> and found 2 20GB drives in the couch
<Deke> most people find coins
<Deke> we find disk drives |
#103080 (351/479) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<tamara> lets see... something raspberry, coconut cream with chocolate swirls, and lemon marrengue (which I'm having trouble spelling)
<Edmund> "merengue"
<Jens> "Meringue"
<Edmund> or is that the dance?
<Jens> It is.
<Edmund> Dammit, nothing delicious should be hard to spell.
<Edmund> The Anglo-Saxons had a point. "Ham." Three letters. DONE.
<Edmund> That's probably why the British beat the French at empire building. While the French were busy asking for "jambon avec moutard et choucroute sur pain de campagne" the British just went "ham bap" and ate. All those seconds add up.
<Edmund> (Victory! Through boring cuisine!) |
#295489 (404/550) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<workthrick> I just got laid
<workthrick> off |
#300818 (1910/2652) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Crispy`> my friend is making my other friend's girlfriend rage on facebook by arguing with her about how Twilight is the dumbest shit ever
<Crispy`> so I created Twilight for Men.
<Crispy`> government scientist fused DNA with Hayden P. and Mila Kunis to create the hottest woman ever with big titties and a nice ass, and she's all over my dick but it turns out she's a pirate and I'm like "omg but I want to be a pirate" and she's all naked near me and shit and I'm like "you're the most perfect thing ever" ... See Moreand she's like "I know, now fuck me"
<Crispy`> and then all the sudden it turns out the government actually made someone else who was fused from the DNA of Kristen Bell and Elisha Cuthbert and she shows up and is like "what the fuck but I want your dick more." and I'm like "D:"
<Crispy`> and then the Kristen and Elisha fusion is like "OH AND IM A NINJA SHITYEAH" and I'm like "FUUUUUUUUUUUCK NINJAS VS PIRATE" and then this was my face when they were fighting a war near me " :O "
<Crispy`> with none of them wearing shirts oh and they all have super nice tits and are not fat at all and are the most perfect looking women ever and then they all want my dick so bad it's hard for me to choose and also whether I want to be a Ninja or Pirate it's a very tough decision. |
#173329 (2422/3368) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Trinexx> There. I have allocated two weeks' worth of vacation time, starting on September 7th.
<Apollo> September 7th? You're going on vacation the DAY that Spore comes out? wtf dude
<Trinexx> Exactly.
<Apollo> oh
<Apollo> OH!
<Apollo> Fuck, I gotta do the same D: |
#6519 (387/526) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<monami> my boss is okay except for the following scenario that we have to play out four or five times a year :
<monami> Act I
<monami> BOSS: Do A.
<monami> ME: If we do A, B will occur.
<monami> BOSS: I don't care, do it anyways.
<monami> Act II
<monami> BOSS: OH MY GOD, B HAS HAPPENED.
<monami> ME: sigh |
#8102 (1731/2399) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<glome> Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?!
<content> glome stole the cookie from the cookie jar!
<glome> Who me?!
<content> Yes you!
<glome> Couldn't be!
<content> Then WHO?!!
<glome> Woody stole the cookie from the cookie jar!
*** glome has been kicked by DrWoody (fuck you i didn't touch the motherfucking cookie, bitch) |
#71222 (463/631) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
< Syntacs> It's a shame Nintendo isn't releasing today, because they could have an advertising campaign that said "Happy Hallowiin! Don't forget to trick or twiit!", and we'd all be like "Hah! What a delightful pun from the loveable and eccentric Japanese.", and Sony would say "Uh, Happy Thanksps3ing. Err. Shit." |
#60940 (455/623) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<@Rjx> i still wonder why vegetarians aren't more pissed at animals
<@Rjx> i mean your average lion eats far more meat in a day than i do |
#57129 (490/670) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
* qual makes a mental note to look behind couches more often
<Ice_> what did you find?
<qual> just found a full system behind me couch, amd athlon 2400+
<qual> with 2 x 120 gb hd's in there
<qual> and a sb 5.1 soundcard |
#54654 (472/644) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<hax> my boss just told a client his domain was "taken by korean cyber pirates"
<hax> we were on speaker phone with a client
<hax> and i toally lost it
<hax> then my boss yelled at me for laughing
<hax> and i told him "listen, if you're going to tell me korean cyber pirates pillaged his domain, i'm going to laugh"
<hax> "and try not to do it while i'm drinking a coke next time" |
#52718 (248/334) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<HypnoGenX> I know about as much about mobile phones as I do about girls.
<HypnoGenX> They're both noisy and frightening, yet they make me want to touch them. |
#41979 (477/651) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<ToiletDuck> Leaving Montreal for Quebec, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road.
<ToiletDuck> As I go in the washroom the first stall is taken so I go in the second stall.
<ToiletDuck> As I sit down I hear a voice from the next stall...
<ToiletDuck> "Hi there, how is it going?"
<FTW> .....okay
<ROFLcopta> riiiiihgt
<ToiletDuck> I'm not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to do so finally I say: "Not bad..."
<ToiletDuck> The voice says: "So, what are you doing?"
<ToiletDuck> Talk about your dumb questions.
<ROFLcopta> ...
<ToiletDuck> I am starting to find this a bit weird, but I say: "Well, I'm just going to the bathroom, then I'm going back east..."
<ToiletDuck> Then I hear the person say all flustered:
<ToiletDuck> "Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question - this idiot in the next stall answers me..." |
#54412 (447/611) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Tommy> and if you're wondering why I was silent, it's because I just tried to open a 14mb file in firefox by hosting it on the same machine
<Tommy> it hasn't finished loading yet
<Mz> so... on one end your pc was working on loading it, and on the other end it's sending it?
<Tommy> yeah
<Tommy> <Firefox> this is a message to 127.0.0.1 on port 80, I want a 14mb file please
<Tommy> <Apache> Someone's calling on port 80! I better send this 14mb file to 127.0.0.1
<Tommy> <Firefox> I'm having difficulty running all of a sudden, someone's using all the memory
<Tommy> <Apache> I can't send this thing fast, someone's lagging the CPU
<Tommy> <Windows> Fuck this shit, I'm going to bed. |
#52504 (439/601) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<^Spike^> I had my first character censored on City of Villains
<@Stumpy> whyfor?
<^Spike^> They did not appreciate 'Captain Coathanger the Abortionist'
<^Spike^> (He had pirate hooks for hands!)Comment: He's going to hell one day...
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#35093 (421/577) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<takkaria> so, anyway, yeah. who wants an argument about something? I'm bored
<Scoth> takkaria: You're wrong |
#48642 (394/538) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Kogita> My car is doing better than ever. The gas tank used to hold $9 worth of gas, now it holds $13 worth. |
#46655 (365/497) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<%PortoRob> i had a lot of spare time in algebra
<%spock1104> lol
<%PortoRob> i also made programs that did out the problems for you, and sold them to people in the class
<%PortoRob> they would try and cheat me though and only one would buy it and transfer it to others
<%PortoRob> so I developed a copyright system on TI83
<%PortoRob> it involved hidden lists and keys
<%spock1104> there's a way to limit it to the calculator ID
<%PortoRob> and if you didn't have the right key, all of the answers were just random numbers
<%PortoRob> the first test i did that on, people weren't very happy with meComment: #WPI
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#42786 (410/560) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<ToxicNed> Went to pick up the double pack of GTA3 and GTA:VC, and some woman was going to buy GTA:SA for her 7 year old. She asks me if it's appropriate for kids, so I pointed out the M rating on it. She still appeared to not get it, so I explained that there's strong language, violence, drug trafficing, gang warfare, and sex with prostitutes in the game.
<ToxicNed> So she looks at her son and says "I don't know if I should get this for you..." but held onto it anyway. As she's walking towards the front of the store, I hear the kid say "But I won't fuck any hookers, Mom."Comment: #offtopic
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