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TodayLatestBestTopWorst1337Random<Prev1..39404142434445..599Next> |
#35201 (442/598) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Rjx> A wise man once told me that my main flaw was that I cared too much about other people's feelings
<Rjx> ironically, I told him to fuck offComment: #emulation64
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#48324 (347/467) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<HellPopeHuey> So, didja get some real work?
<Epoch> yeah, today I cleaned viruses off a pc at a baptist church... viruses obtained by SURFING PR0N
<HellPopeHuey> Jesus saves... your History |
#39938 (348/468) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<NuBus> Windows was funny
<NuBus> with the usb keyboard
<NuBus> I plugged it in
<NuBus> A window popped up. Windows has found a USB Composite Device!
<NuBus> Would you like to install the driver?
<NuBus> Installing driver
<NuBus> I've installed the driver!
<NuBus> Windows has found a USB Human Interface Device!
<NuBus> Would you like to install the driver?
<NuBus> Installing driver
<NuBus> I've installed the driver!
<NuBus> Windows has found a USB keyboard
<NuBus> Would you like to install the driver?
<NuBus> Installing driver
<NuBus> I've installed the driver!
<NuBus> Windows gets very excited when things work. It tells me over & over.
<NuBus> "look mum! look what I did huh huh huh I did it huh I did I did!"
<NuBus> on linux I just plugged the fricken keyboard in and started typing. |
#74243 (618/842) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Omi> My brother thought it'd be funny to take keys from my keyboard and put them around the house
<Omi> And where he hid them depended on the key, so it was relevant in some way
<Omi> So he put the 'T' in the kitchen
<Omi> The up arrow on some porn mags
<Omi> The insert key in my stash of condoms
<Omi> The 'P' key in the bathroom
<Omi> The Print Screen key beside the digital camera
<Omi> The Delete key in the bin
<Omi> And the Escape key on an old French holiday brochure |
#73744 (486/660) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Tony-UH> today in a lecture... i was sitting in front of these 2 guys who were chatting quite loudly
<Tony-UH> they went on for a while
<Tony-UH> i was gonna turn to them and tell them to stfu
<Tony-UH> but then i heard another guy trying to say something to them
<Tony-UH> it was "excuse me guys, can you stop please, i'm trying to sleep here" |
#67390 (421/571) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<eieioh> i completely trashed my vocal cords this weekend while playing a few gigs with my band..i'm not supposed to talk
<eieioh> tonight i was at work and they put me on delivery instead of in the kitchen like i usually do
<eieioh> i made nine deliveries before 8, when we stop delivering..and all but two of the customers called to complain that i was rude and impolite because i didn't say anything
<eieioh> and my boss, whenever someone complains, wants the person who was complained about to apologize to the person complaining
<eieioh> but my boss wouldn't let me because of my voice. but finally i got tired of people calling..so i told him to let me take it
<eieioh> here's what i said to everyone.."sir/ma'am, i apologize for your dissatisfaction but i have esophagal cancer and this job is helping me pay my chemotherapy expenses."
<eieioh> my boss and i were laughing so hard, but it hurt so much to laugh i nearly puked.
<eieioh> one of them came in to give me a tip. :D |
#67334 (376/508) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<@oBs> LOL
<@oBs> This is an Apple delivery number. Your goods have not yet shipped from our warehouse and have not yet been passed on to our logistics carrier, therefore your reference number has not yet been passed on to our carriers, as a result I am unable to give you your logistics carrier reference number yet as it has not yet been created.
<@oBs> I will check on your order later today to see if your logistics number has been created and e-mail you the latest status. It is still too early at the moment to provide you with this information.
<@oBs> i have the computer at my house
<@oBs> right now |
#56819 (404/548) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag
(Deranged): I think my girlfriend is cheating on me...
(Deranged): I gave her one of those certificates for her birthday that say "Good for one hour of great sex anyway you want it."
(Deranged): She got this huge expression of joy on her face, kissed me on my cheek thanking me, then runs out the front door yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!" |
#56603 (390/528) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<evilAdmin> I feel like a dolt
<evilAdmin> sitting in a meeting with da b0ss
<evilAdmin> I screwed up a IT expendature report... Put down Win 2003 Enterprise when we needed standard just from downloadin' it off BT as a habbit. It stuck another $3000 on the report by accident.
<evilAdmin> B0ss asked me about it. My first reaction, I kid you not, was this little hand-twitch thing that would have otherwise been CTRL-Z.
<evilAdmin> The b0ss caught it. He said "Did you just press Undo?", and I said "Yeah, now I need to enter the infinite money cheat". He just stared at me.
<evilAdmin> Then him and his 4 goons all started laughing at me :(. My job sux |
#24166 (380/514) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag
dergrue: what's the name of that program that gives you a random meal to eat when you can't pick something?
barry: 'mom' |
#297660 (400/542) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<ambulance> so I have an amusing trojan that opens a command prompt ever 12 hours and links me to 'macho man' on youtube
<ambulance> I think I'll keep it |
#111114 (641/875) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Trinexx> So, we were all sitting around, trying to decide who would cook tonight.
<Trinexx> Someone got the wonderful idea of making ME cook, despite the fact that I once caught ramen noodles on fire. I, of course, told them it was a bad idea. They didn't believe me. Gave me a recipe and very precise directions. I finally agreed to do it, but only if they understood that they eat at their own risk.
<Trinexx> So yeah, we've all got food poisoning now. |
#310173 (32/42) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<ais523> then running repeatedly until you get the right sequence of random numbers
<ais523> and just completely ignoring the input
<cpressey> some people live their entire lives this way, i reckon |
#297780 (418/566) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<kylierenea> I have the COOLEST teacher in my substance abuse class!
<kylierenea> I was in my substance abuse class today
<kylierenea> we were on the topic of marijuana
<kylierenea> and she started telling this story...
<kylierenea> she said "one day i was pulling weeds from my garden"
<kylierenea> and she's this really nice, old lady too..
<kylierenea> and she says "while I'm pulling weeds i see this small plant.."
<kylierenea> "and i think to myself, this looks like marijuana"
<kylierenea> "so i bring it up to my nose and smell it and i'm like.."
<kylierenea> "this SMELLS like marijuana..."
<kylierenea> then she says "so i take it inside, grind it, roll it, and smoke it"
<kylierenea> "and I'm like, 'this IS marijuana!" |
#297793 (289/389) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<TrumpetSamurai> That's it? Tongue piercing? Psh. My "rebellious moment" in college overturned an authoritarian government in South America. |
#309708 (77/99) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag
* Mich is now known as mich
<TB> Little mich
<TB> I don't understand the need to change from M to m
<Tibby> he ran into a goomba |
#299352 (385/521) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag
Psi: and when we went down to the place where they serve food, i noticed 1 guy who i am willing to call a friend standing in the corner, as if he was hiding, when i was getting some coke from a table near wherehe was, i asked him what was up, he told me 'trust me, youd wanna stand here too, oh and dont eat any of the food' then he asked me if i wanted a shot of bourbon in my coke, so i just assumed he was drunk at the moment, and went and sat down near my dad. then this old dude sits down beside me, i look at him and he just very creepily smiled back, so i went and stood by my friend. that was when i noticed you could see into the kitchen from where he was standing. and THAT was when i noticed they were not only reusing disposable plates and food people didnt eat. the kitchen staff was going as far as to pick the shit out of a garbage bin to re use it.
Psi: i decided to take that shot of bourbon he offered. |
#300122 (493/669) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Slashy> Kanye West has a new show coming out
<Slashy> No time slot, it just interrupts other shows |
#150314 (491/667) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Sam> Coding in C is like sending a 3 year old to do groceries. You gotta tell them exactly what you want or you'll end up with a cupboard full of pop tarts and pancake mix. |
#307356 (132/174) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<@Shifteny> Ok, I just did something really stupid and I was glad nobody was over in this office today to see it
<@Shifteny> I have this really nice, very warm fleece pullover I keep in this office because it gets cold over here sometimes
<@Shifteny> it has a drawstring in the waist
<@Shifteny> well, I've been wearing it since lunch because I was cold
<@Shifteny> I started getting hot, so I decided to take it off
<@Shifteny> I didn't notice that I was sitting on the drawstring
<@Shifteny> so as I was trying to pull the garment over my head, the drawstring kept tightening around my waist
<@Shifteny> so I was stuck there for a minute trying to figure out why I couldn't get it off
<@Shifteny> flailing around, trying to pull my arms out so I could get un-stuck
<@Shifteny> it was like the fleece pullover equivalent of a Chinese finger trap |
#306540 (348/470) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<pawz> i use lilo :") in fact.. my first cat was called Lilo
<pawz> i would take him to the vet and they would be like "Oh, Lilo, from the Disney movie" and i would say "Oi, check his birth date. he was born years before that shitty movie. his name is short for LInux LOader"
<Stranj> And then the vet gave you a shot to calm you down?Comment: #lulz
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#300815 (380/514) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag
Mango: So I was trying to troubleshoot this DNS server.
Mango: And I wanted to make sure it gave expected behaviour when you requested a lookup for a non-existant name.
Mango: Turns out
Mango: there actually IS an asdflkjasdf.com! |
#304713 (281/377) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<egreos> you know you're a nerd when you watch porn and pause it to see what textbooks the schoolgirl is carrying so you can judge her attractiveness based on her subjects.
<egreos> she was apparently studying "dictionary", so i turned it off.
<egreos> if it had been a physics book I would have been all over that shit. |
#304691 (145/191) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<BunneH> i saw a urologist yesterday
<BunneH> er.. today, not yesterday
<BunneH> he had to use KY jelly to get his thumb into my prostate
<BunneH> well, i dunno if it was KY
<BunneH> may have been aknockoff
<BunneH> point is, i had a jelly-covered thumb in my anus
<BunneH> i felt like a donut
<BunneH> when he poked it he said "does this make you feel like you need to urinate?"
<BunneH> i almost said "no, but i feel like i need to shit a thumb"
<BunneH> luckily, i refrained, and just said "no" |
#303515 (481/653) ↑Good ↓Awful ⚐Flag
&Akensai: i just brutally slaughtered some russian asshat
&Akensai: called me an elephant penis in russian
&Akensai: so i let him know i could understand russian
&Akensai: by calling him 2 week old moldy dick juice
&Akensai: now we're friends. |
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