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#108878 (406/668) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
NeverWakeUp1229: So I had a major conflict between my ego and my cock today
MotherBound0: don’t the two go hand in hand?
MotherBound0: or dick in hand?
NeverWakeUp1229: Whatever
NeverWakeUp1229: So I was turning in my essay at the same time as some hot chick in my history class
NeverWakeUp1229: We both go for the stapler, and naturally I snag it first
NeverWakeUp1229: So my cock goes, “Be a gentleman and offer her the stapler! It’s one less step for you to go to get in her pants.”
NeverWakeUp1229: And my ego says, “No, don’t be a pussy. You don’t owe her shit.”
MotherBound0: so what happened?
NeverWakeUp1229: I offered her the stapler and she told me to go ahead and use it first
NeverWakeUp1229: Best of both worlds
MotherBound0: you possess the most fucked up sense of logic ever |
#162336 (511/839) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<aq> are you using Adium still?
<ChrisKite> When I use OS X
<ChrisKite> but right now OS X is wiped from my iMac
<ChrisKite> lol
<ChrisKite> I just have XP
<aq> :|
<aq> That's like an exorcism gone wrong!
<aq> It's like you tried to cast out the demons, but accidentally cast out the soul instead... |
#167250 (227/367) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<an0n> If I ever find out someone has an inflatable love doll, I'm going to steal it and leave a note like "i've tried to make it work, Steve, but all you care about is yourself. What about MY needs? You treat me like a piece of meat, just here to fuck and cast aside. You've really let me down... :,(" |
#234785 (367/601) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<cogwheel> So at Longs Drugs there was a rack of "wellness" pamphlets for various ailments. One was called "Women and Migranes". First thought to cross my mind was "Cause and Effect" |
#246997 (254/414) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Annie> Vagina ^_^
*Annie (~Annie@Annie.Annie) has left #plott
<Golvmopp> o.o
<Golvmopp> A GIRL WAS HERE
<Golvmopp> A GIRL WAS HERE
<Some> What is a girl? :o
<Golvmopp> I read about them in a magazine
<Golvmopp> They are like us, but they like horses.Comment: #plott on Rizon
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#296810 (199/323) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<nuclearrabbit> So I was talking to SPC Guyette and he was tellin his lulz from Iraq stories
<nuclearrabbit> Like when the gunner in their hummer threw all the shit from his MRE he didn't want to eat to some kids on the side of the road
<nuclearrabbit> and yelled
<nuclearrabbit> "It's an IED of flavor!"
<nuclearrabbit> But the driver only heard "it's an IED" and swerved off the road |
#298803 (170/274) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<jatboy0> hello
<segin> uhh, hi?
<jatboy0> what is use of grep
<segin> Have you read the grep manual?
<jatboy0> yes
<segin> Do you understand English?
<jatboy0> yes
<segin> Then what is the problem? |
#303238 (183/293) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<gnolam> Blargh.
* gnolam is washing dishes.
<gnolam> Some of this stuff has been lying unwashed for so long that cleaning it is a truly /epic/ task.
<gnolam> So epic I think I should write a poem about it.
<gnolam> I shall call it... "The Grime of the Ancient Marinade". |
#307714 (117/185) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Rose> A friend told me about how Papa John's has a Christian slant like Chick Fil A and I had never heard of them having such a thing.
<Rose> So I order Papa John's tonight.
<Rose> THE PIZZA GUY INVITES ME TO CHURCH. |
#33887 (246/398) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<I|O> goin off to college
<I|O> mom got me a dehumidifer
<I|O> dad got me a humidifier
<xiao> stick em in yer room for a night. let them fight it out |
#34250 (273/443) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
XtBA: oh yea and my moms wants u to ask ur pops if he can drive us to air plane thing
XtBA: holy shit i forgot the name
XtBA: oh yea... airport
Jiggy: ....wow
XtBA: haha i was thinking bout plane station |
#37244 (179/287) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<barracuda> i got a letter in the mail that said i've been fired
<barracuda> theres no reason for termination tho
<barracuda> brb
-a few minutes later-
<barracuda> fuck
<barracuda> i got fired for reading bash
<Smithereen> Where do you work?
<barracuda> at church |
#40641 (176/282) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Blade_Leader> I think that these viruses would be more effective if the virus writers got someone who spoke english to write the bait lines |
#41188 (243/393) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Shadda> So, Like
<Shadda> I'm watching this thing on PBS last night
<Shadda> about this guy who used to be on the bomb squad
<Shadda> Got his arms blown off from the elbow and down
<Shadda> both arms
<Shadda> and they're saying, 10 years later, a radical new procedure is possible
<Shadda> a double arm transplant
<Shadda> Then they get all serious
<Shadda> and the narator goes
<Shadda> "The only catch...the arms must come from a dead person."
<Shadda> like, wtf
<Shadda> Where else would they come from?
<rworks> I volunteer!
<Shadda> "Sorry, sir. It seems you've been taking your arms for granted. Excessive masturbation and constant ass picking. We feel that this man, who has served his country, deserves them more."
<Shadda> *Chink!* |
#41218 (243/393) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
Whitetail: My friend said his teachers used to be worried, because he was normally the happy smiling person..who would sing "Lift your head up high (And blow your brains out) by bloodhound gang, with a smile on his face and in a good mood"
Whitetail: Heh, remember in like school, when you were young, and they asked what you all had in common? "we all have two arms, we all have two legs"?
Whitetail: He said "We're all going to die"
Whitetail: He got a call home, and his mom said...so? Hes telling the truth |
#45629 (176/282) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
RuKK0R: you know.. I was just looking at the official list of the most shoplifted items in the good ol US of A
RuKK0R: 1) painkillers
2) home pregnancy tests
3) razor blades
4) preperation H
5) baby food
6) condoms
RuKK0R: the first thing I had to wonder, upon looking over this list..
RuKK0R: if condoms had been higher on the list, would have baby food and pregnancy tests been lower?
jmlsteele: what I'm wondering is why is preperation H on the list.
jmlsteele: the rest "make sense"
jmlsteele: suicide, teen pregnancy, suicide, ????, teen pregnancy, to avoid teen pregnancy
jmlsteele: how in the hell does preperation H fit into that?! |
#48005 (317/517) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<fittysix> elmo, if the internet were a city there'd be a resturaunt everyone reccomends, but when you walk in you see a gaping anusComment: #genmay on irc.0id.net
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#49282 (300/488) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<TrogL> Found a new use for a chainsaw. Daughter's boyfriend wouldn't wake up. Ran the chainsaw outside his window. He bolted out of bed yelling "I didn't do it! I didn't do it!" He was still twitching three hours later
<Phoon> ROFLMAO
<Phoon> that's why nothing will beat a 12 gauge shotgun for home defense
<Phoon> Even a cat burglar with ice water in his veins will shit himself at the sound of a 12-gauge being pumped
<Phoon> you don't even need to fire it
<Phoon> hell, you don't even need the gun... just the cocking mechanism and a bottle of carpet cleaner to get rid of the shit stain |
#49374 (266/432) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<ndonegan> arghh!! Touched a metal shelfing unit here, and a fellow walking past the office actually came in cause he saw the flash from the static shock and my body in close proximity :/
<hostyle> so you flashed some guy walking by your office?
<ndonegan> hostyle: you have a very interesting way of seeing thingsComment: seen on #linux on irc.linux,ie
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#50795 (264/428) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<J-Dawg> I was cruising through this one-sheep town here in Montana
<J-Dawg> and I had "Get Naked" by tommy lee playing at 3/4 power
<J-Dawg> which means my tires were slipping on dry pavement from the vibrations.
<J-Dawg> and this cop pulls me over
<J-Dawg> "Do you know why I pulled you over, son?"
<J-Dawg> "...because I had Tommy Lee blasting on my stereo?"
<J-Dawg> "Oh, that was Methods of Mayhem?"
<J-Dawg> "Yessir."
<J-Dawg> "Sweet! Have a nice day." |
#51956 (277/449) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<coaster> i wrapped myself in a ton of bubblewrap once and jumped from the 4th floor
<irishlace> no you didn't... LOL
<coaster> yes i did
<irishlace> wtf were you on?
<coaster> well, i was on the 4th floor
<coaster> then the firstComment: irc.lessthanthree.us #<3
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#55218 (281/459) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<illgl> ok people.. got something for yall.
<illgl> i've made a drawing of muhammed! bwahaha!!11
<illgl> >:)-<=< .. those are bombs around his waist. let's see now how long it takes before my embassy is burned, my mom raped and my dog eaten
* illgl (~mymail@<xx>.mine.nu) Quit (Ping timeout)
<@greml> wow, that was fastComment: abc@defghijklmno.com
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#57641 (316/518) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<NiteHawk> My mom just caught me masturbating.. Dammit...
<Mikkel> Ah well, everyone does it man. Shit happens
<NiteHawk> Yeah but while I was about to blow the dog ran in, I was trying to push the dog out of the room when my mom walked in.
<NiteHawk> Lets just say its not a good site one hand on the dog, the other holding a kleenix full of jizz, and my pants half down.
<NiteHawk> The look on her face dood, she was mortified.
<Mikkel> >.< |
#58885 (264/428) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<smiley1635> Anybody want a 9.1gb scsi HD?
<Strings> What colour is it? |
#61575 (295/481) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
SC ALTHACK: somehow emotional final goodbuys seem to have less meaning when you get home an hour later and can talk to the person online like nothing happened |
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