QDB: Top Quotes of All Time
About / Browse / Latest / Random / Queue / Prefs / Submit Quote / Search

TodayLatestBestTopWorst1337Random<Prev1..3456789..587Next>
#61277 (2506/2930) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
Hekili_Manu Ok. So I called my bank's fraud dept about that hotels.com letter I got since I apparently used them twice with two different cards. I forgot completely that when I signed up you can assign your own security question online.
Hekili_Manu So when I called and spoke to the guy they use the same security question and he asked me "Ok, I just need to verify one thing. How big is your c**k?"
Hekili_Manu It took me a moment to remember that and I was like "Uh....."
#140289 (2503/3073) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
iGenius52: i have a ladybug in my keyboard...
GogetaFour: LOL
GogetaFour: nice
iGenius52: i tried to take a pic but my phones acting weird
iGenius52: so i took a video instead
iGenius52: but i was listening to rocky music
iGenius52: so now i have a vid of a ladybug running across my keyboard with rocky training music in the background
#31211 (2495/4787) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<gorilla> if i added up all the penis enlargement emails i have, i would be entitled to, with a money back guarantee, a 14 foot 9 inch penisComment: #gtaforums @ irc.mikernet.org
#117518 (2489/3089) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Rijnzael> correcting wrongs on the internet is like subtracting 1 from infinity
#97738 (2485/2945) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
*** qf2mquo has joined channel #uw
<chronomex> hi qf2mquo
<chronomex> why the unusual nick?
<qf2mquo> o
<qf2mquo> shit
<qf2mquo> that's my password
#101481 (2480/3114) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<SaxxonPike> mmm, steak
<SLASHSPIT> you guys don't respect the environment, do you?
<SaxxonPike> I respect a good dinner
<SLASHSPIT> how can you eat that? cows are like one of the largest contributors of methane gas
<SLASHSPIT> which contributes to global warming and stuff
<SLASHSPIT> so what are you all doing for the environment?
<SaxxonPike> I eat the fucking cows
Comment: #das-cove
#93971 (2476/3156) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
JonTG> Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from A to Z
JonTG> wait, shit
#141584 (2453/3009) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Crucius> I had the best race home from work today
<Crucius> I pull out from work on my motorbike, and theres a guy on another bike right next to me, who sees me and like takes off
<Crucius> so I take off after him, and we're like dodging in and out of traffic hard out
<moxie> lol
<Crucius> and we stop at a set of lights, next to this guy on a scooter
<Crucius> lights go green and we're off again
<Crucius> doing like 120ish in a 50 zone
<moxie> lawd
<Crucius> get to the next set of lights
<Crucius> and like a minute later, the guy on the scooter arrives agaibn
<Crucius> lights change, and we're off again, but we get hed up by a big assed queue of traffic we cant get past
<moxie> D:
<Crucius> so we're sitting there waiting
<Crucius> and the guy on the scooter goes by in the cycle lane
<Crucius> and we just hung our heads
#95266 (2444/2986) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Skevin> At a former workplace, I tried to google for "python scripting trim whitespace". The page was blocked. I asked the owner of the company (who set up the blocking software out of the box) and he responded with "Animals have nothing to do with your job. Writing screenplays have nothing to do with your job. And I definitely will not tolerate my employees looking at websites of racist organizations."
#242915 (2432/3038) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
AzuiSleet: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Ortzinator: is that a "penis caught in zipper" scream or a "omg i just lost 3 hours worth of code" scream?
#57047 (2428/3226) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Mel>People make misstakes daniel, ive made plenty misstakes but i try not to make the smae misstake three times
<Mel> same*
#5523 (2428/5515) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Opcode> i was gonna call 911...but i was downloading a file
#60310 (2423/3201) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<DarkArchon> She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit
<DarkArchon> Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.
<DarkArchon> I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.
<DarkArchon> She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
<DarkArchon> I told her that was what the beer was for.
<DarkArchon> I don't think she's coming back....
Comment: irc.archspace.org 6666 #archspace
#117559 (2413/2795) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<BORK> wow
<BORK> my boss just told me to "Open ze portz" in his heavy accent
<45.50> what ports
<BORK> All of them, apparently. He wants everyone to fire up the torrents/P2P and start enjoying work.
<45.50> shit man can i come work for you? where do i send my resume
<BORK> The reason being, is so that in a month
<BORK> he'll be able to boost productivity by like 1000%
<45.50> how?
<BORK> by telling employee's that he'll close their ports again if they don't do some fucking work
<45.50> ...
<45.50> i want my resume back
<BORK> >:)
#14967 (2413/2984) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<[Ht]Fro> Here in canada we have a special program to deal with the homeless...it's called winter
#173329 (2412/3356) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Trinexx> There. I have allocated two weeks' worth of vacation time, starting on September 7th.
<Apollo> September 7th? You're going on vacation the DAY that Spore comes out? wtf dude
<Trinexx> Exactly.
<Apollo> oh
<Apollo> OH!
<Apollo> Fuck, I gotta do the same D:
#143423 (2402/2968) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
*** dawg88 has joined #medical
(dawg88) hi, are all people in this channel doctors?
(+Reggae) yup.
(dawg88) i just wanna know how the possibility of a father to inherit a sickle cell anaemia gene to his son???
(+Reggae) humm, does his son has a sister?
(dawg88) yeah
(+Reggae) is she hot?!
(dawg88) fuck you
#38 (2401/5467) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Relevant> get oral_sex_training_video.mpg
<Relevant> Oops wrong window.
#121156 (2381/3039) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<max> my mom friended my sister on facebook
<max> but not me
#60986 (2367/3089) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<itai> found a bug in the english wiki site :|
<Angela> what's the problem?
<itai> can't tell :x
<Gentgeen> that makes it hard to fix
<Angela> itai: could you explain where the bug is?
<itai> the site isn't secured
<JeLuF> secured?
<itai> yes
<itai> un protected
<Angela> anyone can edit it?
<itai> yes
Comment: irc.freenode.net #wikipedia
#15641 (2363/5280) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<superwoman> I had a boyfriend once that made me suck him off while I had a mouthful of beer.
<GrandCow> HAHAHAHA that was me bitch!
<superwoman> DANNY?!?!?!
<GrandCow> MOM?!?!?!?!
#114096 (2356/2628) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<Timmay> Jeez, my dog and cat were sleeping down by the couch
<Timmay> Dog lets out a hideous fart, cat wakes up, stares at dog, slaps him accross the snout with her paw, and walks off
<krm> Aaahahahahaha
<Timmay> Sometimes I think my cat has more control over this household than I do :(
#189485 (2353/3549) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<goldfish> I took this little green pill for a headache, on my Granny's recommendation.
<goldfish> I woke up in the backyard three days later, no trousers on, talking to Elvis about the infinite.
<goldfish> Granny was yelling out a window at me, "Get up you baby! I take three of those and do my grocery shopping."
#3935 (2343/4983) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
*** Signoff: Morpheus (Connection reset by peer)
*** Morpheus (vanford@host-209-214-188-107.clt.bellsouth.net) has joined channel #relax
<Morpheus> argh.. that wasn't my speaker cable
#60330 (2336/2944) ↑Funny ↓Awful ⚐Flag
<evilAdmin> ...
<evilAdmin> Never seen that one before.
<evilAdmin> Got back from meeting with a friend, who wanted to show me some $35K Server systems in a datacenter basically underground downtown that he is a part of.
<evilAdmin> During the tour, I'm like "Dude- is that a pizzabox inbetween those 4U servers?", and he's like "Yup. Want some lunch?". Pulls the box out, grabs a slice. I already ate, so I passed.
<evilAdmin> He says that the $20K 8x Opteron boxes generate lots of heat, and thus keep the Pizza warm.
<evilAdmin> I'm like "Don't Oppies have PowerNow or some AMD cooler shit?", and he's like "Yeah, but we run SETI/Prime95 to keep the pizza hot".
<evilAdmin> :\
save page | share <Prev1..3456789..587Next>

About / Browse / Latest / Random / Queue / Prefs / Submit Quote / Search
14,674 quotes approved; 8,936 fermenting; karma: 190.1955