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#303656* (?/72) ⚐Flag
<Rican boy87>: my dick is like Inception
<Rican boy87>: just keeps going deeper and deeper.
<GOLD SWORD>: then you wake up
#307291* (?/62) ⚐Flag
[22:25:04] <horrorfax> I want to make a chemistry joke, but all the good ones argon.
[22:25:39] <oughts> Still, that was a noble attempt.
[22:33:04] <horrorfax> I'm not even going to try to top that.
[22:33:07] <horrorfax> Well done.
[22:33:20] <horrorfax> That's a lie. I tried to top it for seven minutes.
#304451* (?/57) ⚐Flag
<mikemike> massive fail
<mikemike> put mail() on wrong line
<mikemike> just emailed myself 1273 times
#301772* (?/57) ⚐Flag
<Matazar> haha, so I found this girls profile on some dating site
<Matazar> her about me started off with:
<Matazar> "I am me, me I am! Do I like green eggs and ham? Do I like them on this couch? Do I eat them from a pouch? Do I like them with some punch? Do I eat them just for lunch? I guess you'll have to ask and see, and come to have some green with me!"
<Matazar> So I just sent her a message with the subject:
<Matazar> "I does not like green eggs and meat. It's you who I would like to eat."
#301256* (?/47) ⚐Flag
<Sebas> So today's dinner is leftovers.
<Sebas> Problem is, being the greedy fucks we are, we ate all the food yesterday.
<Sebas> I'm not entirely sure how my mum plans to make dinner out of nothing.
#306670* (?/47) ⚐Flag
<Nae> for fuck's sake
<Nae> STOP SPOILING SHIT YOU DUCKS
<Nae> fuck
<CUM_quesa> heh
<Nae> i was going to write either dicks or fucks
Comment: #isharia
#302407* (?/26) ⚐Flag
<Dustin> Me: "What can I get for you?"
<Dustin> Customer: "I want a small popcorn, and don&#65533;t try to upsell me a medium!"
<Dustin> Me: "Can I interest you in a large then?"
<Dustin> Customer: "I want to speak to your manager."
Comment: #chatspike on irc.chatspike.net
#311084* (?/15) ⚐Flag
<rikai> digitalcircuit: Also, unrelatedly, is the ircbutt site you list in your PR down or something? I can't get it to resolve. :o
<digitalcircuit> ...whoops.
-*- digitalcircuit disabled Cloud2Butt.
<digitalcircuit> *disables
<rikai> LOL
<rikai> thats the best messup ever :P
<digitalcircuit> Fixed.
<digitalcircuit> I knew it'd bite me in the cloud one day, but it makes business-buzzwordy websites a bit more bearable otherwise :)
#300358* (?/31) ⚐Flag
<Fax> en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rapeseed
<Fax> because if you write nutrition information labels for a living you need to get your kicks from somewhere
<Fax> I'd totally do stuff like "Polyethylene Monosodium Carbonate (Vitamin A, Vitamin B4, Vitamin lol this doesn't even exist I just made it up...but let's see you eat it NOW. Man I can't believe you're even still reading this. Go outside.)"
<lolfighter> Vitamin lol DOES exist.
<lolfighter> It was an experimental food additive developed in the very late 70s.
<lolfighter> By the early 80s a few human experiments had been made.
<lolfighter> My mother was strapped for cash, so she participated.
<lolfighter> She didn't know she was pregnant at the time.
<lolfighter> I was the result.
<lolfighter> The records were sealed after that and all research abandoned.
#311390* (?/31) ⚐Flag
<theblazehen> I should really learn perl sometime
<andrewlsd> ^ that's what he sed
#306632* (?/46) ⚐Flag
<Drag> In the US, you can say ass, and you can say hole
<Drag> but you absolutely cannot say "asshole"
<Drag> you will get bleeped
<Rena> what if you're referring to the hole an ass is in
<Rena> "that's the hole where we keep the asses. the ass hole."
<devin> at that point you are charged with animal cruelty for keeping livestock inside of a hole
<Rena> well maybe it's a very big hole
<Drag> It must've taken a lot of work to get the ass hole that big
#307260* (?/41) ⚐Flag
<HarryD> well shit
<HarryD> that girl that i went on a date with?
<B1naryth1ef> yes
<HarryD> wants to "head my log"
<B1naryth1ef> Why shit?
<HarryD> by log she meant penis
<HarryD> (i hope)
<B1naryth1ef> Or ya know, she has a lumberjack fetish
<cITs> why would she want to read old entries of your logfiles?
Comment: #anapnea
#309766* (?/36) ⚐Flag
<The_Ass_Burgerler> Er, Satan, you know that virgin I sacrificed to you?
<The_Ass_Burgerler> I kind of want her back
<Satan> Damn really?
<Satan> Well, rumor has it she isn't a virgin anymore
#304863* (?/36) ⚐Flag
<Hbomb> .seen zelse
<feepbot> Hbomb: I have last seen zelse 45 weeks, 3 days ago saying "well that was a disturbing mental image".
<Constie> It really bothered him a lot.
#302178* (?/75) ⚐Flag
<Ironholds> "Lady Almeria Braddock felt insulted by Mrs Elphinstone and challenged her to a duel in London's Hyde Park after their genteel conversation turned to the subject of Lady Almeria's true age. The ladies first exchanged pistol shots in which Lady Almeria's hat was damaged. They then continued with swords until Mrs. Elphinstone received a wound to her arm and agreed to write Lady Almeria an apology."
<Dragonfly6-7> "Please excuse the handwriting, as my arm was mutilated when some cow slashed at it with a sword."
#305579* (?/60) ⚐Flag
<Valtieri> Hmm, close friend's got an English professor who refuses to let the guys in his class wear anything on their heads, but allows female students to - no, it's not a religious thing, either; I asked him if it was just so that Muslim ladies could keep their headscarves on if they chose.
<Valtieri> I told him to wear his cat ears in. They're not a hat, they're an adorable headband. Discussion over.
<ShadowCrow> :D
<Valtieri> Haha, just told him this, too:
<Valtieri> <Val> Oh jeez, owls apparently keep swooping down like they're gonna steal my friend's hat when he's out jogging in the evening.
<Valtieri> <Val> What the fuck...?
<Valtieri> <Val> I told him to get a beanie hat, you know, with a propeller... form the blades from stainless steel, sharpened, power them with a drill motor.
<Valtieri> <Val> But this is a problem that should never exist.
<Valtieri> <Val> You could do something similar with your professor. "Mr. Veilleux, take off that hat." "Okay, take it from me."
<ShadowCrow> hahaha :D
<ShadowCrow> xD
<Valtieri> Thinking 18/8 stainless should do well enough for the cost/difficulty.
<Valtieri> Hmm... run off of the appropriate number of NiCd or NiMH AAs in a pocket, with a momentary switch inline for safety and convenience.
<Valtieri> Easy enough.
<Valtieri> The hardest part would be stabilising the hat, but if you take a construction hard hat, drill a couple holes, and install a low-profile mounting bracket for the drill motor (a bog-standard Mabuchi RS-540 would do it)...
<Valtieri> Paint that shit like a beanie hat, with gaily coloured quadrants...
<Valtieri> From there it's wire, a quick-release connector so you could carry the batteries and switch around but take off the hat, solder, and possibly resistors.
<Valtieri> I've never thought about murdering owls with a hat before.
#311330* (?/20) ⚐Flag
<G-Flex> a scammer just called my cell phone. Let's see where this goes
<G-Flex> lmao "Mr. Johnny Wilson"
<G-Flex> he's the "general manager"
<G-Flex> of the publisher's clearinghouse.
<G-Flex> I won a cherry red Mercedes! And a check for $1.5 Million!
<Shydow> lol
<Firestarter> Can I lend $5
<G-Flex> wow
<G-Flex> I tried playing along and he still thought I was messing with him
<G-Flex> he told me to get a pen and paper, and a few seconds later I was like, yeah, what do you want me to copy down
<Firestarter> Haha
<G-Flex> so he accused me of playing games because nobody could get a pen that fast!!!
<Sme> no one would ever answer their phone at their desk right
<Mrgary> what is notepad
<Keenan> I've always wanted to get one of those and flip it around.
<G-Flex> yeah I was like "I'm sitting at my computer, I can write down anything you want"
<Keenan> Be like "You know, it's a good thing you called. I'm Bob from Microsoft and your computer has a virus!"
<G-Flex> he wanted me to get a moneygram made out to a Kenneth Jones in Wichita, Kansas
<G-Flex> for $100
<G-Flex> so I could get a receipt, to show to the publisher's clearinghouse guys
<Sme> you should get right on that
<G-Flex> after a few more minutes I told him that it was nice I could waste that much of his time, and asked if there was any way I could possibly waste more of it
<Shydow> "Unfortunately, all my money is tied up right now. If you can advance me $100 right now, I could get access to my nigerian fortune"
<G-Flex> and that if he manages to scam anyone, it's probably going to be some old lady who doesn't know better, and that's kind of sad
<G-Flex> I love the idea that I'd have to send a $100 moneygram to someone in order to /claim/ over a million dollars.
<G-Flex> he hung up on me :(
<Keenan> I have a friend who is still sour with me because I didn't lend him money for that very same scam a few years back.
<G-Flex> the sad thing is, people fall for this stuff
<G-Flex> a customer of ours was talking to "Microsoft" who wanted her to pay them in iTunes gift cards.
<G-Flex> she bought the freaking cards before someone told her "yeah that's probably a scam"
#302643* (?/20) ⚐Flag
sunny_mousey: you are on your way to alcohol poisoning town.
SudoJones: do hety have laoiqikcer store ther
Comment: #inportb on freenode
#302958* (?/20) ⚐Flag
<Unosuke> how does one go about cureing insecurity?
<Holst_> I hate this approach but it's really true (in most cases): Face your fears Uno
<Unosuke> but i wanna fix myself BEFORE I actually do anything D:
<Holst_> That's what I hate about the approach
<mark> Unosuke: there's also watering your scrotum till you grow a pair.
#311245* (?/20) ⚐Flag
<nacht> I sold body armor in a rite aid parking lot yesterday.
<Naraka> I love everything about that.
<nacht> Ohio ftw
<nacht> Are you a felon? No? Here buy this AK and 2000 rounds out of my trunk.
#302352* (?/9) ⚐Flag
lonestarnorth: so i had lunch at the mall today
lonestarnorth: i like to do that on mondays so i don't have to make my own lunch, ie can sleep in
lonestarnorth: and i was walking back
lonestarnorth: now, picture a guy 20 something years old
lonestarnorth: walking ahead of you
lonestarnorth: say he was walking past a store window
lonestarnorth: and suddenly he noticed there were BOOBS in that store window
lonestarnorth just as he was passing
lonestarnorth: imagine the look he would make
Scaramouche: heh, okay.
lonestarnorth: i saw an old guy do that
Scaramouche: LOL
lonestarnorth: but for a sale on sweater vests
lonestarnorth: not boobs
Scaramouche: ...
lonestarnorth: i guess your priorities really do change when you get older
#305297* (?/50) ⚐Flag
<roverbat> I live near an old nuclear reactor
<roverbat> there's nothing wrong with me
<iva|phone> roverbat, how do you explain your wings then?
<roverbat> they go up and down, iva|phone
#311582* (?/25) ⚐Flag
@KittyKatt | I'll describe the weather to you in the form of a haiku.
@KittyKatt | There are birds chirping
@KittyKatt | But my heater is broken
@KittyKatt | I am fucking cold
#308361* (?/25) ⚐Flag
<Jeck> That's pretty much the opposite of my opinion. There's a time and a place for drugs, but a situation where you might die if you're not smart/careful enough is not one.
<Jeck> I might be biased, too. The time I had pot I had such an extreme reaction I hallucinated choirs of angels singing death metal while I shivered and threw up on a bathroom floor.
#303699* (?/35) ⚐Flag
<William> i just find it strange how life is so much about spending money now on the chance of saving money later
<William> we insure everything
<William> i have three kinds of home owner's insurange: one to protect me if i lose my job, one to protect the bank if i lose my job, and one to protect me if someone gets hurt on my property
<William> same thing for cars
<William> also life insurance
<William> health, dental, vision
<William> it's crazy
<William> at some point in order to break even, i'm going to have to start injuring myself on purpose ;-)
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