<shanty> are there secret handshakes involved in worshipping your balls?
<CB|MC> no
<CB|MC> you just cup them
<collin> lift and tickle.
<Greed> You guys wanna hear something fucked?
<olleman> we're on the internet, after all
koala_bot waits for it
<Greed> The previous owner of my cell phone number died in a car crash involving a drunk driver.
<Greed> His mom, who has dementia, calls me 10-14 times per week and leaves messages asking when 'Thomas' is going to come home and stop dallying around with his friends
<Greed> Or when he's going to come vistit her
<Greed> Or asking Thomas what's for dinner
<Greed> Or pleading with him to call her more
<olleman> dude.
<Greed> And if I pick up the number and explain to her that I'm not Thomas
<Suppa_Spic> :3
<Greed> She'll argue and cry and plead with me to stop messing with her
<Greed> And this happens on almost a daily basis
<Greed> Sometimes she'll call me at 2AM and ask me where I am
<Greed> Why I'm not at home eating cornbread
<olleman> that is heart breaking
<Suppa_Spic> Greed: tell her her son is dead
<Greed> And when I pick up the phone now and again and tell her that she has the wrong number, that Thomas isn't even part of this world anymore
<Greed> She gets angry and even more sad and yells at me to stop playing sick games with her
<Greed> And because of the Dementia, she doesn't remember each encounter the next day
<Greed> Every day is just a replay of the day before he died for her
<WordpressNoob> wait
<WordpressNoob> your number is tied to your phone not a SIM?
<WordpressNoob> get off CDMA man
<Greed> Google Voice.
<Greed> Actually no, the number she calls is the phone's
<chiper> I'd have gotten a new number a long time ago
<Greed> Nobody else knows that number but she and I
<Greed> I mean
<Greed> I can't do that
<Greed> I don't know what it would do to her if every time she called him (Once or twice a day), she got a dead line
<B0g4r7> A Catholic priest, a rapist, and a pedophile walk into a bar.
<B0g4r7> He orders a beer.
<d4|werk> ba dum tsssssh
<mark251> so how was the beer
<Grauwolf> The best thing about UDP jokes is that I don't care if you get them or not
<@X-LP> woowee i think i have a fever
<Jigsy> Is it Bieber fever?
<Jigsy> 'cause that can be pretty fatal.
* Jigsy loads the gun.
<+Raija> what does it feel like to use a penis, though?
<Skarlet> wuh?
<Skarlet> you don't know?
<Fritz> It feels awesome!
<+Raija> I mean, what does it feel like to fuck something with a penis
<Fritz> The power of the world in the palm if your hand
<+Emmy> It's a good thing I've got a nokia.
<+Emmy> I kinda accidentally threw it against a wall >.<
<+Akuma> Emmy: oh shit! is your wall okay?!
<ninja_warrior666> can anyone tell me how to create sodium metal?
<ninja_warrior666> or nitrocellulose?
<Schroedingers_hat> Well, it all starts with an infinitely hot singularity...
<ninja_warrior666> ...
<Schroedingers_hat> But you've gotta create some nothing first.
<Schroedingers_hat> Well, not first
<Schroedingers_hat> because you haven't created time yet.
<Schroedingers_hat> Well not yet
<Schroedingers_hat> but you get what I mean
<&o11c> http://qdb.us/305729
<&o11c> A UDP packet walks into a bar and says "I want a beer". The barman charges him twice but doesn't actually give him one.
<@timmo> i have found that smartphones have kept me from drunk texting ugly girls
<@timmo> due to their face popping up in every text
<Drazhar> someone help me
<Drazhar> because I think I went insane
<Drazhar> I found something that I agree with Glenn Beck on
<Malware> Drazhar
<Malware> You are undoubtedly, irrevocably mad.
<Drazhar> The radio talk-show host says George Lucas should be "tried for movie crimes" not only for what he has done to a beloved franchise, but also for producing "Red Tails."
<Drazhar> George HAS fucked up Star Wars big time
<Malware> Now we are both undoubtedly, irrevocably mad.
<Malware> Because now I agree with Glenn Beck.
<vera> i always ask them if they are having an abortion first because it was awkward that one time i was like look heres your baby and heres his heart beating and she was like ok can you take it out of me
< er1c_> im curious to know about your knowledge of the tensile strength of a vagina though, vhost-. or maybe not
< craige> He was a large baby
< craige> We should leave it at that :p
< vhost-> dude, they can squeeze hard
< vhost-> a penis just kind of sits there, then it raises a little bit, but still just sort of stays there
< vhost-> you can't flex your balls
< er1c_> i um... saw my daughter come into this world. i was adamant about not looking but the fucking nurse kept telling me i needed to see the miracle. words fail me at describing that horror scene
< vhost-> ~(:D)~ OH HAI
< craige> We officially stopped supporting ie6 at work this year
< craige> I think I almost cried
< craige> Not because I was happy, but because I now had a timeframe for how long I'd be supporting ie7
<Navi> I googled 5 a day and it suggested "5.79 x 10^-5 Hz"
<Black_Prince> I haven't left house for 7 days now!
<Black_Prince> :D
<AdmiralA> oh great, people are bragging about not going outside like it's uptime now
<AdmiralA> $ indoors
<AdmiralA> 21:40 not seen light in 2 days, 6:39, 3 meals, kcal averages: 0.23 0.13 0.09
<n0idx80> I have a very nice laptop with 4GB (takes 8) that the cpu fan makes a horrible noise, and I just can't bear to open it up
<Chainsaw> You feel that dust bunnies are animals too and deserve to live?
<Amadiro> RumpledElf, according to that definition, my markov-chain based chatbot spouting random phrases combined from previous messages it recollects from its database is probably more sentient than most actual human IRC users.
<Amadiro> aib, it usually ended up pretty much just spouting out sentences it heard previously to other people at a later point. Additionally I ran some simple regexpes over the output.
<Amadiro> That caused some hilarious conversations like the bot arguing with some guy whether it's "slipknot" or "slipgnot" (replaced all k's with g's)
<Amadiro> aib, we also fed it the bible, all 7 harry potter books, various pornographic novels and Karl Marx' "Das Kapital" later on, with brilliant results.
<aib> add a Hitler biography and you've got an Internet discussion generator
<Rose> A friend told me about how Papa John's has a Christian slant like Chick Fil A and I had never heard of them having such a thing.
<Rose> So I order Papa John's tonight.
<Rose> THE PIZZA GUY INVITES ME TO CHURCH.
* rycuda has just been offered an amp
<@Al> After being given a shock like that it's wise to have a coulomb-down period
<@mgsts> I'm trying to decide watt a suitable punishment for these awful puns is
<@OneCruelBagel> mgsts: it's not his volt, he has troubles at ohm.
<@OneCruelBagel> We should let him have some peace faraday.
<BMF54123> bluh, what the hell is wrong with FCEUX
<BMF54123> I have to load Metroid several times to keep it from crashing at a grey screen
<Inuyasha> it's a REALLY accurate emulator :o
<Peng> Racist. I've dated many perfectly trustworthy robots.
<yonkeltron> Peng: yeah, best to wipe the wd-40 off your whore mouth before coming into the office
<kokoretsi>downloaded a 1925 film and spent 5 minutes looking for subs. I then realise it's a silent film :|
Please upvote if you think QDB should fix the mangling of Unicode characters in submitted quotes.
< Novice> It's not a computer anymore. It's a member of Norton's botnet.