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#237793 (855/971) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
JZarnecki: So I hooked up with a girl for the first time in like a year. She wasn't anything great to look at, but I'll take what I can get.
JZarnecki: Her occupation was USPS delivery.
JZarnecki: We eventually get down to business and I'm fucked up drunk and wearing a condom, but still manage to cum almost immediately because it had been so long. I pumped like 8 times it was terrible. She was pissed
JZarnecki: Anyways, the next day when i wake up shes already gone and i shit you not, there is a "Failure to Deliver" notice from her stuck on my door.
EJAYwarrior42: Give me her new number, I need to invite her to the league of internet superheroes. |
#160168 (1044/1190) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<rbrown11> dude
<anon> ?
<rbrown11> i'm in the student center
<rbrown11> there's this guy in front of me, he looks EXACTLY like you
<rbrown11> should i say something?
<anon> it is me you fucker |
#154860 (443/527) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<BOBNESS> you'll never in a million years guess what happened and thats pretty sad
<@Calisc> you got laid
<BOBNESS> my hint was too good |
#246478 (250/316) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<celeste> that is my least favorite thing in the whole world
<ilanbg> what?
<celeste> that everytime i try to be intimidating or mean you just think it's cute!
<ilanbg> dude, how did you think calling me a "meany butt" could be intimidating or mean |
#297160 (259/333) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
< MYOB> Borders' website just died entirely on me in the middle of a satisfaction survey
< expensivelesbian> ha ha
< expensivelesbian> "how would you rate our website?"
< expensivelesbian> on a scale of 1 to 404Comment: freenode
|
#224117 (251/323) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Scopes13mtg> Anybody know a good place to buy Russian singles online?
<Scopes13mtg> edit: To clarify, I am looking for Magic cards. |
#105156 (190/244) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Kefka> Okay seriously
<Kefka> wHAT
<Kefka> Is the point
<Kefka> Of this ignore systsem
<Kefka> -02:57.54- You are currently ignoring <Jouva> and <Jouva> tried to send you a PM: <Jouva> This is a test of the emergency furry system. |
#297642 (236/306) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
[@pezdispenser] i have no idea where i put my wallet
[@pezdispenser] i distinctly remember putting it down somewhere last night and thinking 'i'm never going to find that in the morning'
[@pezdispenser] at least i was right |
#104063 (273/361) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<T_ConX> It sucks being a spelling Nazi on Facebook.
<Phoz> Why?
<T_ConX> Well, normally when you see someone pound out garbage like 'ya well thaz jyst ur opinun so yo momma!', I simply assume it's being produced by some 12 year old simian on a sugar high.
<T_ConX> However, on Facebook, every poorly writen comment is attached to a persons real name, and the School Network they belong to.
<Phoz> Oh...
<T_ConX> So as a result, I see 'Kate Smith (Harvard)' attached to the comment 'y cant u just acept jeesus in2 ur hert?'.
<Phoz> Ha!
<T_ConX> I'm not lying!
<T_ConX> I have actually seen Ivy League students with the English skills of a second grader.
<T_ConX> There is some hope however.
<Phoz> How?
<T_ConX> You know how companies are using Facebook and mySpace to do cheap background checks on job candidates.
<Phoz> Yes
<Phoz> Oh... I see...
<T_ConX> Kate Smith - Recruitment Status: Rejected
<T_ConX> Reason for rejection: Poor English skills displayed on Facebook. |
#104883 (210/276) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Ashrael> My MP3 of MC Hammer's 'Can't Touch This' has been locked out by the RIAA Piracy Blocker Thing.
<Ashrael> The sense of irony is unbearable. |
#296542 (193/255) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<+Trinexx> my girlfriend logged into my WoW account and setup a fucking parental control lock
<+Trinexx> so now I can't play while she's at work
<+Trinexx> *rages* |
#103771 (187/247) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
FrierT: when life gives you lemons, ask life if it knows its supporting underage farming labour in several tropical countries. |
#104113 (156/210) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Opef> Bahh, screw you, free speech-to-text software.
<Opef> How the fuck does "hair straighteners" sound like "whore stranglers" anyway? |
#103080 (351/479) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<tamara> lets see... something raspberry, coconut cream with chocolate swirls, and lemon marrengue (which I'm having trouble spelling)
<Edmund> "merengue"
<Jens> "Meringue"
<Edmund> or is that the dance?
<Jens> It is.
<Edmund> Dammit, nothing delicious should be hard to spell.
<Edmund> The Anglo-Saxons had a point. "Ham." Three letters. DONE.
<Edmund> That's probably why the British beat the French at empire building. While the French were busy asking for "jambon avec moutard et choucroute sur pain de campagne" the British just went "ham bap" and ate. All those seconds add up.
<Edmund> (Victory! Through boring cuisine!) |
#147598 (202/276) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Smokey> there's a pizza hut down the street from here, but it's across state border so they won't deliver itComment: irc.lessthanthree.us #<3
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#103050 (188/258) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<KR> I don't think anyone ever manged to compile that package
<Cygnum> crap. Any tips anyone?
<KR> divine assistance?
<Cygnum> right. i'll light some candles, sprinkle some holy water on the keyboard and shout "the power of christ compiles you!" before pressing enter. |
#224084 (175/243) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<hci> life lesson: never perform oral sex before visiting the dentist without brushing your teeth first. especially if you're dating the dentist's daughter |
#297158 (158/220) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<furan> so I dropped by my lab to pick up my air conditioner
<furan> things I did not expect to find in the alleyway:
<furan> 1) a fetish shoot
<furan> 2) a fetish shoot |
#298754 (180/274) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<FoH> If you make a glancing reference to those islands southwest of Alaska, is it an Aleutian allusion?
<FoH> If it's only an imaginary reference, is it an Aleutian allusion illusion?
<FoH> If it's difficult to reckon, is it an elusive Aleutian allusion illusion?
<Renee> and if its hard to put your finger on the imaginary glancing reference of riding a Spanish horse on those islands it is a ellusive Aleutian Andalusian allusion illusion
<FoH> And that's the elusive Andalusian Aleutian allusion illusion alliteration for the day. |
#296821 (150/228) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Fredro> but my system language is english
<Freeyorp> I thought it was regional settings?
<Fredro> must be
<Fredro> because I get the game in swedish
<Kage_Jittai> wait... wait... wait...
<Freeyorp> ?
<Kage_Jittai> you DON'T want the game in your native language?
<Fredro> nop
<Jaxad0127> why not?
<Kage_Jittai> Why not?
<Fredro> because I know english better than my native language |
#297824 (108/164) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
< RichiH> my newest addition the the list of things You Don't Do Using Your Laptop As Workbench:
< RichiH> clean your multi-tool with lighter fluid
< RichiH> in related news, lighter fluid turns the black plastic of a thinkpad x31 white-ish |
#105463 (133/213) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<CtrlAltDestroy> I was renaming some files on my desktop earlier, and I guess I got mixed up somewhere.
<CtrlAltDestroy> Because I just found a file called "Metroid Prime 3 Corruption - Chocolate Rain.mp3" |
#141960 (74/122) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Blipo> I'm trying to sell a 1GB DDR-667 RAM chip over Craigslist
<Blipo> So far two people have contacted me thinking I was talking about a mod for the DDR game |
#104432 (88/160) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<GregorR> Gregor's thought process: "I think I'll have a chicken sandwich. Mmm, I should grill some onions for that." *one chicken sandwich later* "Those grilled onions were the best part ... I think I'll just have some grilled onions" *one onion later* "I think I'll go breathe on a friend of mine." |
#295905 (120/228) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Mario> Shooter: I eat pieces of *cake* like you for breakfast.
<Mario> Happy: You eat pieces of *cake* for breakfast?
<Mario> Shooter: ...no.
<Mario> god I hate censorship |
#236973 (107/205) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<tenX> any experiences with expertsexchange.com anyone?
<xsawyerx> i've never had a sex change, so i can't advise there... |
#119961 (100/192) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Squirrel^^> hey hey
<Robin> what's shakin'?
<Squirrel^^> ur mum
<Robin> possibly
<Robin> thanks to the parkinsons disease and all
<Robin> :/ |
#246702 (81/159) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<w00bi> wait question
<w00bi> if you dont masturbate, dont you have a wet dream?
<sash> i assume
<Drunken_irishman> i wouldnt know
<w00bi> I've never had a wet dream
<doubledown> i wouldnt know
<sba> no idea |
#235969 (97/193) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
< topgun17> ion: reop me
< topgun17> or else
-!- mode/#sdf [+o topgun17] by ion
< jakethom> or else what
<@topgun17> I never come back again
-!- mode/#sdf [-o topgun17] by ion |
#250456 (110/222) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Periwinkle> oh man!
<Periwinkle> i just made the best thing
<@stoor> ...
<mikka> what?
<@stoor> hello?
<Periwinkle> oh shit, sorry about that
<Periwinkle> was watching a scary movie on tv and it made me jump so hard i hit myself in the face with my sandwich and got mayonnaise in my eye
<@stoor> hahaha
<mikka> so what did you make?
<Periwinkle> the sandwich |
#259198 (76/154) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<doc|home> hmmm, checking if suspend works by closing the laptop lid is a bit like checking to see if the light in the fridge goes off :/ |
#243326 (71/145) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Anarkii> Security staff in the airport's Qantas domestic terminal discovered a number of passengers had made it to their gate just before 6.30pm (AEST) without proper security screening
<+brad`> how can you tell someone hasnt been properly screened?
<rioter> brad` they are not walking like they just got fucked in the arse |
#104366 (65/135) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<TD-Linux> I have the weirdest dreams
<TD-Linux> like, I finally found a girlfriend in a dream
<TD-Linux> then found out she ran an incompatable OS version o.OComment: Dreaming at freenode
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#298781 (67/141) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<jasabella> i been using my coco chanel perfume lol
<jimster> o, fancy
<jasabella> ya, i got it for free anyways and i've barely used it
<jasabella> might as well use it rather than let it evaporate away
<FOXX> Actually, the ONLY way to use perfume is to let it evaporate away. |
#196803 (103/229) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
15:02:51 Analogy: God I stayed up too late last night
15:03:02 silentjoe: o rly?
15:03:07 silentjoe: how late did you stay up?
15:03:20 Analogy: About 3 pm
15:03:29 Analogy: Later
* Analogy has signed offComment: Timestamps were necessary for this one, sorry.
|
#295012 (85/187) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<hitmonchee> someone was talking about mice the other day and they mentioned that they hibernate
<hitmonchee> and I thought "how the fuck can an animal hibernate"
<hitmonchee> then I realised that they didn't mean saving the RAM to disk and shutting down |
#104302 (64/142) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Gerrit> Cannot join #real-life (Banned) |
#151919 (54/122) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
Hali: I stole a government-issued pencil today
Hali: somebody called me a terrorist for it :O |
#103028 (66/156) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Blacken> I've seriously pissed off headshrinkers before.
<Blacken> "Well, I was raped by my uncle as a child, I slammed my brother's hand in the oven door when I was eleven because I was jealous of the attention that he got as a baby, and I burned the woods behind my house down when I was 15."
<Blacken> "WHAT?!"
<Blacken> "Nah, I'm just fucking with you." |
#103864 (55/137) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Kojispruke> I always claim to know how to play chess
<Kojispruke> and then I piss off my opponent when I start playing checkers
<Kojispruke> >_> |
#235987 (58/148) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<ousti> I'm yelling at you in Korean right now, but you can't hear me!
<Raiden> Are you going "kekekekekeke Zerg rush ^________^" |
#105149 (44/110) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<UMKid08> Hey James, what did the tableau calculus say to the fair node selection algorithm?
<jamesl> ? what?
<UMKid08> You complete me! =)
<jamesl> ...
<jamesl> You know, before you said that I used to wonder why that valedictorian left you for that marine dude... |
#212107 (48/126) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
Matt: is it bad that I just had the thought "I wonder if I missed my 1337th masturbation"?
Cynic: you've probably missed your 13337th masturbation by now... |
#226389 (47/125) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Lenny> yeah i know wayt you saying ....i tey stay out of politics too it more depressess me to know there are so many idiots in the world ..... i think we need to start culling the human population
<AnimeMan> But you'd be the first to go |
#211094 (47/129) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Neko> alas my love you do me wrong, to cast me off discourtously
<perfectlyxflawed> listening to greensleeves?
<XxSilentxScreamsxX> shakespeare , neko?
<Neko> snickers commercial. |
#182262 (43/119) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<pnbeast> althalus, you bastard, why don't you type up my second homework problem for me?
<althalus> depends on what it is.
<althalus> If you want a highly pessimistic rant on the state of the world and the intelligence level of the average person today, I'm your man :) |
#103108 (49/141) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Fire_> HAHA
<Fire_> That was classic
<Fire_> My dad looked at my mum when we finished eating, and said "Thanks honey, that was the best you've made all week"
<Fire_> We were eating cereal
<Fire_> Frosties, in particular
<Fire_> I think you had to be there
* Fire_ is away: Blargh
<dev> remind me never to visit your house |
#297666 (52/150) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
Esmé: fuck, I need to play some more of this RL game. I looked out the window, saw a rainbow, and thought "shit, not another skittles commercial" |
#114682 (54/162) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<+Anonzz> Lord-Frost: here is a challenge for you then...
<+Anonzz> I'm hard yet soft, I am coloured yet clear, I am fruity and sweet. I am jelly. What am I?
<&Lord-Frost> gayComment: #/b/tv@rizon.net
|
#295400 (45/137) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Dutch> I've a girl coming over tomorrow to have sex with in my room
<Dutch> what should i tell my mother
<Dutch> so she don't suspect us doing naughty thing?
<Emma> if she doesn't want you to shag in HER house, she's the one who needs to be respected
<Dutch> my plan is telling my mother she is interested in playing some new video games on my computer
<Dutch> would that work?
<Foxhill> what if your mum runs in with a copy of wii bowling and an extra controller and you're busy getting a groinal spitbath?
<Foxhill> it could happen.. |
#296571 (32/96) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
*Global* A novice srvx class will be starting in about 10 minutes. Please /join #class if you would like to attend and learn more about what features are available to you and how to use them.
<Fax> A cervix class?
<Fax> I wasn't aware you could get a gynecology degree over the internet |
#103486 (47/171) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Kcaj> Coworker goes "It semms like weed up here". I was like... "Maybe it is my cologne, here check this shit out, smell me", and they come over, I hold out my shirt, they take a huge whiff and go "Yeah, it is definitely your cologone".
<Kcaj> semms = smells
<Kcaj> sorry I'm high lol |
#151396 (36/130) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Garrett> I was speaking with a student the other day, he was all like, "One thing I like about being a student? I get a week vacation man! I'm sitting at home, playing video games, watching porn, sleeping in, while you, you my friend, you gotta go to work."
<Garrett> and I said, "sure. But while you're watching porn, playing games, and so on, I'm making $600." |
#298750 (26/108) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Valtieri> also I advocate the adding of feet/legs to Jesus fish by using silver Sharpie |
#294505 (24/100) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
< _judas_> i'm told i look a bit like tom cruise under certain lighting conditions and from the back
< frayed> from the back? |
#104149 (30/132) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<@bob> i usually go with my friend steph, who i have known since before she had boobs and we even knew what boobs were.
<@bob> who, long story short
<@bob> told me
<@bob> she is not my best friend anymore :p
<@bob> cd best-friend; patch -p1 < upgrade-to-girlfriend.diff |
#158063 (28/136) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Craiggers> DG was making me watch Chimp Eden tonight and the dude was trying to catch bushmeat traders.
<Craiggers> It was fucking pathetic, he was standing there, being as White as my fucking bare ass with a camera crew, asking his Black friend to ask the bushmeat trader if he had any chimpanzee.
<Craiggers> The dude behind the counter was like "Uhhh, we do not sell chimpanzee because that is illegal and...uhh...wrong."
<Craiggers> Hell, I mean, why don't I go to downtown Indy with a fucking camera crew and ask to buy some crack.
<DeaconVerter> lol
<snex_lptp> maybe they figure a dumb knee-grow doesnt know what a camera is
<Craiggers> "Excuse me, my brother, I believe that I am whack for crack, and am interested in transacting with one who may be able to accommodate my business need." |
#182512 (26/138) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Orochi> Well dude, think about it, it beats sticking your dick in the air and being all like "LOOOK AAAT MAAAH JUUUUNK" or something
<Orochi> oh shit wrong window
Orochi acks
<Cirabeau> >.< Xd
<Roxas> lmfao
<Kazuma> XD
<Cirabeau> roflmao
<Orochi> omg I'm closing this shit D:
Orochi [Orochi@Nightstar-5017.hlrn.qwest.net] has quit IRC: Quit: bb tomorrow D |
#104061 (22/122) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
* Blacken sets mode: +m
<Blacken> Announcement:
<Blacken> By GOD, I fucking hate furfags.
* Blacken sets mode: -m
* Blacken has quit IRC (Ping timeout)
<Willfor> Apparently the reason he hates them is because they chewed through his internet wires |
#103855 (18/102) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<italy> i listen to a fuckton of orbital last night
<spook> orbital is like listening to a computer that won't boot
<italy> who dislikes orbital lol
<spook> beeeep beep beep beep!
<spook> is my videocard busted or is it orbital? |
#105387 (15/93) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
< Nugget> internet6.irs.gov - - [04/Sep/2007:07:58:02 -0500] "GET /mroadster/ HTTP/1.1" 200 6537
< Nugget> this can't end well. :) |
#103911 (15/117) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Pikeman> Heh... I wonder if they ever relcate the Los Angeles airport... will the old one be called EX-LAX? |
#105650 (9/121) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Hooden-Hen> i wanna see muse again
<Hooden-Hen> the fuck is she
<rmuser> college
<Hooden-Hen> she should really come online
<Hooden-Hen> to talk to me
<rmuser> she's a FAT WHORE with DOZENS OF PIERCINGS
<rmuser> not that there's anything wrong with that
<Hooden-Hen> looks are unimportant to me
<Hooden-Hen> we connect on a spiritual level
<rmuser> we discuss ass lube |
#139645 (14/192) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<@HeXeN> last night
<@HeXeN> another odd dream
<@HeXeN> This construction worker hung himself in my house because he got green paint on his lucky shirt
<@bbot> I dreamed that some fag named hexen wouldn't shut up about his dumb ass dreams |
#298575 (6/112) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<mathrick> so there's this song, right, that goes "all I want to do is make love to you"
<mathrick> this is a classic case of an inexperienced / bad coder using unnecessarily verbose and inefficient expressions in a misguided attempt to make things more readable
<mathrick> compare the idiomatic version: "all I want to do is you". Shorter, more readable AND more to the point
<mathrick> remember, kids, not using idiomatic expressions and commenting on obvious parts of the code will get you to the special code hell |
#152010 (2/92) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Hagfish2> camelCasing is more of a convention in other languages, especially Java
<Hagfish2> and it's slightly faster to type
<apathy--> faster tot ype?
<apathy--> I disagree
<moveax> I like camelCasing, nothing wrong with it.
<Hagfish2> well, you have to press the shift key either way, and underscores add an extra character
<apathy--> if the extra character bothers you, php isn't the right language for youComment: #php on EFnet
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#104052 (1/177) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<Opef> This one time at Madonna Camp, I stuck a flute, a tuba, a didgeridoo, a clarinet, a trumpet, a violin, a double bass, a guitar, and a cello in my pussy. |
#244231 (-2/152) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
[17:44:06] <@Prophet> dude do this
[17:44:10] <@Prophet> write a letter
[17:44:14] <@Prophet> make up letterhead
[17:44:17] <@Prophet> with your name on it
[17:44:21] <@Prophet> mail it certified
[17:44:25] <@Prophet> it will get on their desk
[17:44:36] <@Prophet> as opposed to some email bin some secretary reads
[17:50:10] <@alchy> wonder if the letterhead and envelope was like
[17:50:11] <@alchy> #vanity, EFnet
[17:50:13] <@alchy> would it be opened
[17:50:23] <@alchy> and the entire letter is an irc log
[17:50:28] <@wckd> probably sent to FBi |
#196261 (-1/111) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<&Unhuman> when cloning is invented
<&Unhuman> JUST THINK ABOUT THAT
<&Unhuman> A MILLION OF ME
<&Lyle> Oh. You're looking to recreate Munckinland, Unhuman? |
#103122 (-2/124) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<@Rjx> time is on my back
<@Rjx> twelve-winged demon with a million penises
<@Rjx> can't stop or it'll fuck meComment: #geekissues
|
#251763 (-3/127) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
< Neouka> oh, and .... fucking old people
< Neouka> Landau roofs ARE NOT IN STYLE ANY MORE
< Neouka> and they make your MODERN car look FUCKING STUPID
< Neouka> cars i've seen with a landau roof in the past week: 04 Impala, silver, with black landau roof
< Neouka> 06 Toyota fucking Camry, beige, with white roof. Looked absofuckinglutely ridiculous
< Neouka> seriously, who let these people put that shit on their car
< Neouka> I might as well put louvers on my Pontiac Vibe |
#298757 (-3/93) ↑Funny ↓Bad ⚐Flag
<+Spike|Work> Damn, dude, Tucows herd we like resellers, so they put resellers in their resellers. |
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