<everest> the iraqis captured 4 italians, 2 americans, and a korean
<everest> they're setting up for an offensive joke.
<everest> tomorrow they'll force the hostages to walk into a bar
<LightFang> I'll be hosting a spelling bee.
<Stellaluna> CAN I BE IN THE SPELLING BE
<Psweet> misspelling "spelling bee" is an automatic disqualification
< bsmntbombdood> StumbleUpon has temporarily run out of sites relevant to you. Please sign up for more topics.
< bsmntbombdood> wtf!
< bsmntbombdood> i've run out of internet!
Jacob: heh
Jacob: my roommate just walked by with a bottle of water
Jacob: I asked her why she wastes her money on that shit
Jacob: she replied with "It's healthier than tap water."
Jacob: I took the bottle from her and showed her where it said "Source: City of Houston Municipal Water Supply"
Jacob: Tap-water.
<KleverOneR> Hey carol...
<KleverOneR> How was the sex? 1 to 10
<Carousel> Which time??
<KleverOneR> Add them all together, then find the average
<Carousel> Hold on
|<-- Carousel has left dalnet (Ping timeout)
<Dayvid> Division by zero is a bitch amiright?
<KleverOneR>...
<Crispy`> my friend is making my other friend's girlfriend rage on facebook by arguing with her about how Twilight is the dumbest shit ever
<Crispy`> so I created Twilight for Men.
<Crispy`> government scientist fused DNA with Hayden P. and Mila Kunis to create the hottest woman ever with big titties and a nice ass, and she's all over my dick but it turns out she's a pirate and I'm like "omg but I want to be a pirate" and she's all naked near me and shit and I'm like "you're the most perfect thing ever" ... See Moreand she's like "I know, now fuck me"
<Crispy`> and then all the sudden it turns out the government actually made someone else who was fused from the DNA of Kristen Bell and Elisha Cuthbert and she shows up and is like "what the fuck but I want your dick more." and I'm like "D:"
<Crispy`> and then the Kristen and Elisha fusion is like "OH AND IM A NINJA SHITYEAH" and I'm like "FUUUUUUUUUUUCK NINJAS VS PIRATE" and then this was my face when they were fighting a war near me " :O "
<Crispy`> with none of them wearing shirts oh and they all have super nice tits and are not fat at all and are the most perfect looking women ever and then they all want my dick so bad it's hard for me to choose and also whether I want to be a Ninja or Pirate it's a very tough decision.
<fbcash> has anyone here flashed their xbox before?
<warbucks> no, but I once showed my dick to a nintendo DS
<Pryoidain> Speaking of Legend of Zelda, I have a good story from last semester.
<Gimpy> Oh?
<Pryoidain> So I bought one of those Ocarina's from thinkgeek this passing summer. It comes with playing instructions and a bunch of other stuff.
<Pryoidain> Including instructions on how to play songs from zelda.
<Pryoidain> well, I woke up one morning and realized I had a midterm exam in a class I hadn't been to in like three weeks. I figure "I'm gonna fail anyways, so I might as well get a good laugh out of it."
<Pryoidain> So I go in, and the prof picks up the exams and asks if there are any last minute questions before the midterm.
<Pryoidain> and I stand up in class and go "MIDTERM?! NO, THIS CANNOT BE!" and pulled out the ocarina and played the song of time on it.
<Pryoidain> The prof actually had to set the papers down he was laughing so hard. he then gave me a 72 hour extension before I had to take it again.
<Pryoidain> Someone else in class asked for an extension, and the prof proceded to chew them out for asking for more time.
<Gimpy> Oh god, the only thing that could make that any better is if someone yelled "DAWN OF DAY ONE. 72 HOURS REMAIN"
<Pryoidain> Well someone did ask if that was real time or game time. Luckily for me, he said real time...
<roxylucy> omg did i tell you what embarrassing thing happened to me the other day?
<hedgab> not that i know of
<roxylucy> ok. well, i was visiting my friend in the hospital
<hedgab> yeah
<roxylucy> and so i was leaving
<roxylucy> but in the next room, i noticed a man covered in machinery, shivering.
<roxylucy> and i thought that was sad, so i pulled the blanket up for him
<roxylucy> and, with his breathing mask on, says, "can you see if my testicles are black"
<hedgab> omg really?
<roxylucy> i tried to decline, but he looked so frail and desperate
<roxylucy> so i checked to make sure no one was looking
<roxylucy> and i looked at it and it was just fine
<hedgab> haha ok
<roxylucy> so i was like, "nope, none of it is black"
<roxylucy> and he takes off his mask and says, "can you see if my test results are back"
<Colin> Am I the only one who doesn't find the "your mom" business funny, by the way?
<Colin> as a parody of poor insults it might have been funny
<Colin> three years ago
<Colin> but you have been doing it for literally years now :P
<Asimir> I've been doing your mom for literally years now
<Rendrag> just remember your car actually has to stop at stop signs
<Rendrag> my driving teacher only told me my wheels must stop rotating
<Rendrag> i took her at her word
<Rendrag> and slid it round the corner onto the main street at 60 with all four wheels locked up
<LDM> hahahahahaha, Nice one.
<Rendrag> needless to say i had to sit my test a second time :)
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<Saul> Man, today was awesome.
<Saul> We all got sent home like 5 hours early because the whole system shorted out and went down.
<kilik> explain.
<Saul> Well, in our office, the doors are always left open because the air con doesnt work.
<Saul> And as a result flies come in from outside.
<Saul> Last year we got some of those electric fly killers installed, you know the ones that glow blue and zap the flies that fly into them?
<Saul> Well today I'm at the watercooler taking a 5-min break.
<Saul> And I swear to God, the biggest bluebottle on the face of the Earth buzzes in.
<Saul> It's like 3 inches long.
<Saul> Goes straight for the zapper and flies into it.
<Saul> The explosion knocked out the power to the entire floor.
<sereni> Protip: If you're in elementary school, and you're reading Euclid's Elements of Geometry, do NOT leave your geometric proofs in plain sight of ANYONE.
<sereni> *teachers marauds over to my seat, notices me writing furiously things that are not the required coursework, looks at pile of papers sitting besides me*
<sereni> "...What does 'A cuts B' mean? What is this about lines and meeting places? What are these diagrams for...?"
<sereni> You see, geometry is a pure science, and it also uses a lot of unambiguous terms. As such, a proof could be applicable in any context.
<sereni> I happened to be sent to the principals office as it seemed my innocent proof could be misread to mean that I was not only going to meet up with another kid, but stab him with a knife, doing so in a very precise way, at angles of approach ranging from 20 to 180 degrees, while moving about in various circular paths.
SoccerGirl114: Today, I was having sex with this guy at a party when out of no where he yells at the top of his lungs, "mortal kombat!".
SoccerGirl114: His friends yelled back, "finish her!"
<Bricker> Hey natpen, we’re trying to come up with some nicknames for Jennings, did you have any?
<natpen> Well, one time we were about to have sex and he was too drunk to get it up. So we laid there awhile and it was pretty awkward. Then, he stood up on the bed with the covers wrapped around his shoulders like a cape, and screamed “I’M BATMAN”. I almost shit myself.
<Bricker> Holy shit, are you fucking serious? Please tell me you’re making that up.
<natpen> No, I’m not. The weird thing is, after he got into the role, he finally got it up, and it was the best sex of my life. So I usually call him batman.
<TMH-> Tip of the day: Do not packet sniff your family's internet traffic, you may find out more than you want to know about them. That is all.
(Bubbles) diabetes...anemia...depression...alzheimers...is there any shitty disease I'm not going to be predisposed to?
(Alex) well
(Alex) STDs
* fantasyprone (fantasypro@hide-3089BE47.static.tpgi.com.au) Quit (Ping timeout)
* Apathy runs off to sleep
<Apathy> also tell fantasyprone i said "saw that coming!"
<snark> future fantasyprone says to tell you she saw your mom coming last night
<snark> I have a time machine
<snark> and will pass on your message to avoid a paradox
* fantasyprone (fantasypro@hide-3089BE47.static.tpgi.com.au) has joined #elitists
<snark> fantasyprone: Apathy said to tell you he saw that coming
<fantasyprone> if you see Apathy again, you can tell him I saw his mom coming
<snark> Will do.
* snark hops in a time machine and jumps back a couple of minutes
* snark emerges from the time machine again.
<snark> All done.
<fantasyprone> thanks
<Jaswinder> I was listening to the radio on the way home
<Jaswinder> And I found this Christian music station, but
<Linka> Yes?
<Linka> =O
<Jaswinder> Some rap station was bleeding into it
<Linka> Gasp.
<Jaswinder> At the most awesome moments
<Linka> That's weird. XDDDDD
<keen> rofl
<Jaswinder> So it was like
<Jaswinder> THANK YOU THANK YOU LORD
<Jaswinder> FOR THE BITCHES
<baryon> brb. I need a shower again, I stink
<emo> baryon: remember my advice
<baryon> god you're still here
<emo> you can significantly reduce the sourness of your body odour by refraining from meat eating
<cl4SS> emo fuck up about it. I'm sick of hearing your shit
<emo> I'm just saying
<baryon> emo, that's got nothing to do with it
<emo> baryon: it does actually. Several studies have shown so
<baryon> emo. I helped move four horses today. I am covered in dirt, dust and horse shit
<baryon> I stink because FOUR DAMNED VEGETARIANS SHIT ON ME
<sdmkun> tar -xzf merc.tgz what the fuck
<sdmkun> how the fuck do you people remember this shit
<bucketmouse> just think with a german accent
<bucketmouse> XTRACT ZE FILES
<@Foxhill> Skittles_Goddess - for something that is basically just an overly complex life support system for a vagina i haven't entered yet, you're pretty damn sexy
< Frowardd> this channel, collectively, is alikened to a bundle of burning cigarettes
< Frowardd> ie, full of nicotine and bad for me.
< Frowardd> goodnight
<@relsqui> that was the subtlest way to call us all fags ever
< Selig> relsqui: what was?
<@relsqui> exactly.
<Zemyla> Did I tell you about what my friend Joe did in auto shop?
<Zemyla> He was working with an arc welder, and the welder tip got stuck to the metal.
<Zemyla> He knew this was a bad thing, so he grabs a hammer and hits the metal to get the tip off.
<Zemyla> Then when he pulls back, lightning arcs from the metal to the hammer.
<Zemyla> The teacher notices this, and yells, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
<Zemyla> And Joe bellows, "I AM THOR!", brandishes the hammer, and shocks the fuck out of the guy next to him.
[krazy]: i was lost in school today
[krazy]: i couldnt find my class
[krazy]: and guess what the room # was
[dizzy]: ?
[krazy]: 404