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#307916 (422/468) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<@Sebas> Apparently I tried to go to sleep with my feet on the pillow because "then they'd get to be comfortable for a change, too"
<@Sebas> And when the girlfriend told me I'd suffocate then, I told her "No, because I'm James Bond"
<@Sebas> Which I later explained, after they told me this, was because James Bond is an under-cover agent.
<@Sebas> So obviously he wouldn't suffocate under the blankets.
<@nukespooon> ahahhaha
<@Sebas> EVEN WHEN I'M SHITFACED OUT OF MY MIND, I MAKE TERRIBLE PUNS |
#307843 (425/507) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Grauwolf> The best thing about UDP jokes is that I don't care if you get them or not |
#307813 (273/331) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<+Emmy> It's a good thing I've got a nokia.
<+Emmy> I kinda accidentally threw it against a wall >.<
<+Akuma> Emmy: oh shit! is your wall okay?! |
#307812 (169/239) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<ninja_warrior666> can anyone tell me how to create sodium metal?
<ninja_warrior666> or nitrocellulose?
<Schroedingers_hat> Well, it all starts with an infinitely hot singularity...
<ninja_warrior666> ...
<Schroedingers_hat> But you've gotta create some nothing first.
<Schroedingers_hat> Well, not first
<Schroedingers_hat> because you haven't created time yet.
<Schroedingers_hat> Well not yet
<Schroedingers_hat> but you get what I mean |
#307868 (166/238) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Greed> You guys wanna hear something fucked?
<olleman> we're on the internet, after all
koala_bot waits for it
<Greed> The previous owner of my cell phone number died in a car crash involving a drunk driver.
<Greed> His mom, who has dementia, calls me 10-14 times per week and leaves messages asking when 'Thomas' is going to come home and stop dallying around with his friends
<Greed> Or when he's going to come vistit her
<Greed> Or asking Thomas what's for dinner
<Greed> Or pleading with him to call her more
<olleman> dude.
<Greed> And if I pick up the number and explain to her that I'm not Thomas
<Suppa_Spic> :3
<Greed> She'll argue and cry and plead with me to stop messing with her
<Greed> And this happens on almost a daily basis
<Greed> Sometimes she'll call me at 2AM and ask me where I am
<Greed> Why I'm not at home eating cornbread
<olleman> that is heart breaking
<Suppa_Spic> Greed: tell her her son is dead
<Greed> And when I pick up the phone now and again and tell her that she has the wrong number, that Thomas isn't even part of this world anymore
<Greed> She gets angry and even more sad and yells at me to stop playing sick games with her
<Greed> And because of the Dementia, she doesn't remember each encounter the next day
<Greed> Every day is just a replay of the day before he died for her
<WordpressNoob> wait
<WordpressNoob> your number is tied to your phone not a SIM?
<WordpressNoob> get off CDMA man
<Greed> Google Voice.
<Greed> Actually no, the number she calls is the phone's
<chiper> I'd have gotten a new number a long time ago
<Greed> Nobody else knows that number but she and I
<Greed> I mean
<Greed> I can't do that
<Greed> I don't know what it would do to her if every time she called him (Once or twice a day), she got a dead line |
#307814 (61/143) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<+Raija> what does it feel like to use a penis, though?
<Skarlet> wuh?
<Skarlet> you don't know?
<Fritz> It feels awesome!
<+Raija> I mean, what does it feel like to fuck something with a penis
<Fritz> The power of the world in the palm if your hand |
#307922 (19/145) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<@Rjx> I've noticed a trend in modern SEO
<@Rjx> which involves shitting up your URLs and shitting up your content
<@Rjx> to meet some imaginary standards |
#307870 (-20/152) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<shanty> are there secret handshakes involved in worshipping your balls?
<CB|MC> no
<CB|MC> you just cup them
<collin> lift and tickle. |
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