QDB: Latest Approved Quotes
DreamHost About / Browse / Latest / Random / Queue / Prefs / Submit Quote / Search

TodayLatestBestTopWorst1337Random123456..594Next>
#310642 (20/20) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<muskets> to be tonic water all you NEED is water, bubbles and quinine
<muskets> and then usually you put lots of gin in it
<muskets> it's a british thing because it was medicine but we mixed it with booze to make it taste less awful
<muskets> and then we decided we LIKED it
<muskets> and now we drink it entirely because we want to
<kerin> this is also the story behind gin but in reverse
<kerin> alcohol was supposed to cure a lot of what ails ye
<kerin> but distilled grain alcohol kind of sucks to drink, so hey let's add some mother fucking juniper
<kerin> alright this is rad, i can't wait to get diagnosed with something so i can drink it all fucking day
<kerin> etc
<kerin> so really the gin and tonic brings the story full circle in a beautiful way
<muskets> yeah
<muskets> the main difference is that the original tonic water WORKED
<muskets> it was malaria prophylaxis
<kerin> well, gin worked if your problem was the horror of being trapped in pre-industrial europe
<kerin> it's about the only thing that did
<catplanet> ROFL
#307472 (38/62) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Jessica_Lily> yeh i gave my mac a drink of cider
<Jessica_Lily> turned out not to like it
<Jessica_Lily> keyboard, hdd and trackpad stopped working
<moylan1> ironic that a mac can't handle apple juice?
#302178 (58/86) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Ironholds> "Lady Almeria Braddock felt insulted by Mrs Elphinstone and challenged her to a duel in London's Hyde Park after their genteel conversation turned to the subject of Lady Almeria's true age. The ladies first exchanged pistol shots in which Lady Almeria's hat was damaged. They then continued with swords until Mrs. Elphinstone received a wound to her arm and agreed to write Lady Almeria an apology."
<Dragonfly6-7> "Please excuse the handwriting, as my arm was mutilated when some cow slashed at it with a sword."
#311208 (35/39) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<t12> my dad wins at potrero hill community meeting aggroness
<t12> he went to one and stood up, interrupted
<t12> said heres the address of a crackhouse
<t12> if you guys dont raid it and shut it down
<t12> i'll go to it myself
<t12> they're like "those are armed dangerous people!"
<t12> he's like "i'm a combat vereran! I've killed thousands of people already"
<t12> "if you dont go clean it up you'll find youself in the weird position of protecting crackheads from me"
<t12> they did in fact shut the house down
#311479 (27/37) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<CapnBeeb> cripes
<CapnBeeb> my dad is asking how to disable an adblocker
<CapnBeeb> on a fucking XP machine
<CapnBeeb> YOU DON'T
<CapnBeeb> EVER
#302407 (30/42) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Dustin> Me: "What can I get for you?"
<Dustin> Customer: "I want a small popcorn, and don&#65533;t try to upsell me a medium!"
<Dustin> Me: "Can I interest you in a large then?"
<Dustin> Customer: "I want to speak to your manager."
Comment: #chatspike on irc.chatspike.net
#311629 (19/53) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
< jayis> yesterday my architect said our base64 encoded username "token" is encrypted and i said it isn't and then he said it is and i said it isnt and then he walked away
#305505 (40/70) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
* Now talking on #shakesoda
<Karai> I need to stop having very sexual dreams about my sister.
<LHoT10820> ...
<LHoT10820> What an awesome thing to walk in on.
<LHoT10820> Tell me more, Karai.
<Karai> rofl
<Karai> I had a dream last night
<Karai> that I found a new way to make music
<Karai> by using a glass soda bottle stuffed in her whowho to control airflow or some shit
<Karai> it was WEIRD AS FUCK
<Karai> I seriously woke up with the :| face
Comment: #shakesoda on Freenode
#308984 (31/49) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<tali> They call you TheWatcher? I can guess what you do :P
<TheWatcher> Yep, I listen.
#303699 (30/52) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<William> i just find it strange how life is so much about spending money now on the chance of saving money later
<William> we insure everything
<William> i have three kinds of home owner's insurange: one to protect me if i lose my job, one to protect the bank if i lose my job, and one to protect me if someone gets hurt on my property
<William> same thing for cars
<William> also life insurance
<William> health, dental, vision
<William> it's crazy
<William> at some point in order to break even, i'm going to have to start injuring myself on purpose ;-)
#311640 (40/54) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<whitequark> i used to work with a guy
<whitequark> who was working on ruby on rails website
<whitequark> in dominican republic
<whitequark> and he was doing it exclusively on a mixture of cocaine and amphetamine
<whitequark> and i had to refactor his code
<whitequark> i literally asked my coworkers to give me an ice pick and an one way ticket to dominican republic as a new year gift
<whitequark> unfortunately they refused
#307801 (30/42) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Drazhar> someone help me
<Drazhar> because I think I went insane
<Drazhar> I found something that I agree with Glenn Beck on
<Malware> Drazhar
<Malware> You are undoubtedly, irrevocably mad.
<Drazhar> The radio talk-show host says George Lucas should be "tried for movie crimes" not only for what he has done to a beloved franchise, but also for producing "Red Tails."
<Drazhar> George HAS fucked up Star Wars big time
<Malware> Now we are both undoubtedly, irrevocably mad.
<Malware> Because now I agree with Glenn Beck.
#311438 (23/39) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<ednos> lol, I accidentally started a flame war in work IRC about the gopher protocol
<ednos> I fucking love this company
Comment: they work at red hat
#309169 (16/32) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<snacky> oh. FUCK you krut
<snacky> you are the worst person in the world
<snacky> I look forward to viciously murdering you to death a whole lot.
<snacky> hmm, that sentence is kind of unclear. I will clarify.
<snacky> I will viciously murder you to death a lot, and I also look forward to it.
<snacky> it's not that I "look forward a lot" to viciously murdering you to death
<krut> you look forward to murdering alot
<snacky> the death certificate will list the proximate cause of death as "vicious murder, a lot"
<snacky> although if the coroner isn't careful, he might not notice the signs of murder. in this case, he will identify the cause as "severe acute death"
<ShyJoe> which becomes chronic death after about a week
#311357 (47/59) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<netham45> Bash.org is offline
<netham45> But it responds to SSH.
<netham45> I tried to log into their SSH as 'ERROR CRITICAL BASH.ORG IS DOWN' in hopes their log management system picks up on the keywords.
#300358 (22/42) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Fax> en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rapeseed
<Fax> because if you write nutrition information labels for a living you need to get your kicks from somewhere
<Fax> I'd totally do stuff like "Polyethylene Monosodium Carbonate (Vitamin A, Vitamin B4, Vitamin lol this doesn't even exist I just made it up...but let's see you eat it NOW. Man I can't believe you're even still reading this. Go outside.)"
<lolfighter> Vitamin lol DOES exist.
<lolfighter> It was an experimental food additive developed in the very late 70s.
<lolfighter> By the early 80s a few human experiments had been made.
<lolfighter> My mother was strapped for cash, so she participated.
<lolfighter> She didn't know she was pregnant at the time.
<lolfighter> I was the result.
<lolfighter> The records were sealed after that and all research abandoned.
#307291 (54/80) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
[22:25:04] <horrorfax> I want to make a chemistry joke, but all the good ones argon.
[22:25:39] <oughts> Still, that was a noble attempt.
[22:33:04] <horrorfax> I'm not even going to try to top that.
[22:33:07] <horrorfax> Well done.
[22:33:20] <horrorfax> That's a lie. I tried to top it for seven minutes.
#307327 (37/55) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<@Rabbi> don't ever forget to live life
<@Rabbi> it could be over any moment
< Gobina> and hopefully it will be, soon
<@Rabbi> for instance right now I'm writing code for an emulated 16 year old game and drinking a bourbon, alone in my apartment
<@Rabbi> gotta remember to live
#301256 (38/58) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Sebas> So today's dinner is leftovers.
<Sebas> Problem is, being the greedy fucks we are, we ate all the food yesterday.
<Sebas> I'm not entirely sure how my mum plans to make dinner out of nothing.
#311061 (36/50) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<KateLibby> and no, im not iliterate, my parents were married
#309325 (13/25) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
< CoJaBo> Well, found the Gmail April Fools prank- they now force you to use that stupid new compost form >_>
< CoJaBo> compose*
< yano> hah
< CoJaBo> ..actually, yeh, I'm calling it the Compost Form from now on ==DDD
#303955 (30/64) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
singularity: I don't find alcohol is so much liquid courage
singularity: as it is liquid loss of bladder control
#311246 (26/34) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<MoikeLap> the E7450 was never designed with datacenter work in mind
<MoikeLap> apparently they can't withstand the rigors of being jammed under a 4U Sun server and used as a lever to line up rack-mount earholes
#301838 (70/108) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<@Digga> aaaaand
<@Digga> the site's died
<@Digga> fucking played
<@Sebas`> Rage against the Machine thing?
<@Digga> mhmm
<@Sebas`> Bummer
<@Digga> 120,000 people registered for it
<@Digga> and seetickets can't handle it
<@Sebas`> Too much raging, not enough machines.
#307236 (45/67) ↑Funny ↓Not ⚐Flag
<Parsee> I don't know... Yuyuko, you were suggesting giving missiles as messages, right?
<Yuyuko> Yeah, you don't need an interpreter.
<Yuyuko> Everyone speaks missile.
Comment: #touhou, irc.darkmyst.org
save page | share 123456..594Next>

About / Browse / Latest / Random / Queue / Prefs / Submit Quote / Search
14,881 quotes approved; 8,694 fermenting; karma: 189.4756